Christmas a week away

I just spent a few minutes reading my last few posts.

AND, mauling over my emotions about fixing this iPad for Teag/Jesika. She didn’t want or need anything other than it fixed so leave it at that. It gives me the chance to help and serve anyone…especially during Christmas time.

I did not get the job at Exxon, but David did tell me I’m 6-7 people out of the current hiring group. Meaning, if they hire in the next 12 months, I could possibly get an offer…which I would take. Unless I get to interview and offered the coordinator position. It would be straight days, no weekends, and no physical labor.

I’m ahead of schedule to fix my financial issues and have a pretty good path for buying something in Kemmerer…it will be hard to find something that works…newer, garage, 3/2 mix. Right now, my options are wait for something or buy/build Jimmy’s land?

Also, this last week…I realized I love being out in public, talking to people, visiting with them…I find that my humor is more present, and I feel more like myself. Also, I need to work out…running is excellent…probably my preference but anytime of exercise is good.

I do like my job but get frustrated at other people’s lack of understanding…of how to make everything else run easier for everyone. I can’t control people’s actions, so the best thing is just appreciate that I do get it and doing what I can do to help them.

My Christmas plans have been foiled! I was going to leave on Wednesday for Tempe and drive back whenever…but my car has exhaust issue that will make it undrivable. There are emissions requirements and the more I drive it without addressing the issues, it will eventually limit my speed to 4 miles per hour. The part I need is literally unavailable. There are 4 dealerships in the country that have this part in stock, because of demand, they are not willing to part with it. It’s been over a week, so I’m limited to flying down Christmas eve and coming back 3 days later. I’ll be back down two week later, and we’ll finish our celebrating.

I’m lucky to be a dad to Castle and Roman

Rambling...on

I love being informed, but don't like the feeling my life is in peril from politics.

I love being active, but struggle with getting on a schedule with winter, shiftwork, and overtime.

I enjoy physical work, but would rather not have my work load hinge on other's efforts.

Having days off work is great, but I'm not good enough with money and I have hobbies that are expensive.

There is not great joy in my life...right now...than spending time with my kids, but need to take financial responsibility for my future.

My heart and soul want companionship more than anything, but my ground is not firm enough.

Alone...

I heard a phrase recently and I wanted to try to make sense of it. The context is really what makes it…real?

“You’re not alone, so don’t pretend that you are.”

It was used in step with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. When someone has a traumatic event, or possibly an addiction, habit, or event in their life where they feel like nobody else understands, they isolate themselves to cope. At least that’s my take on it and I’ve experienced it myself.

After Ricky died, when I found myself in the depths of my addiction, after my divorce, and after heavy heartbreak…I wanted to just hide, run away, be alone. The reality, I needed companionship, friendship, and interaction more than anything.

For me the best start is service…finding someone or something that help.

I read in social media sites all the time that there is power in loneliness and isolation…a way to reinvent yourself. That's when you find power, health, and growth in seclusion, there is sovereignty and control in your future.

Maybe there is truth to having a balance…knowing you don’t need others to be happy, but a greater happiness comes when shared with those you love and serve?

Purpose

I’ve always known there is an emptiness or void that occupies my mind, but I’m starting to understand it. To say that it’s a lack of purpose sounds extreme, but it’s having a daily agenda or monthly goal…and something to accomplish within the next year. For the past 3 months I’ve been obsessed in working overtime to pay off debts; putting off exercise, social interaction, traveling, and simple pleasures that I use to enjoy.

As a student there are layers of being in school; social interaction, classes, starting and testing out of a class…

As a husband it’s joining together to build and develop a life together. Tackling ‘Honey-dos” and planning for the days ahead.

As a father it’s getting them to school, making lunches, doing homework, playing games, doing adventures, taking them to practice, arranging play days, watching, and supporting them in their activities and commitments.

I look forward to having health distractions…dating, restoring Lucky, traveling, home-keeping, etc.  

But for right now, I have to stay focused and get rid of this financial anchor.

perspective

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I offered to work for a guy so he could spend time with his family, knowing I wasn't going to be with mine.  Mostly, I wanted to be occupied.

Something dawned on me with a weight that I hope has lasting effects.  Gratitude and offense/bitterness cannot occupy the same being.  Initially I was going to the same space, but that really isn't accurate.  There is a ruling factor in a person's personality...you are generally a person happy with what you have or you complain that someone else...does less, has more, yada, yada, yada...

I always thought I was a person who was more grateful, but I can see now I never have been.

As I look at my jobs, my circle of friends and family, arena of politics...my head usually states...what's wrong or unfair about what is on the side of the conversation rather than look at what I have.  

I'm pretty damn lucky!

I have parents that have always been able and willing.

I have siblings that are responsible, helpful, and contributors.

The friends I have in my circle are incredible in everyway.

I have a job that provides exceptional income, benefits and freedom.

I have physical health that gives me the freedom to be active as I want to be.

I have resources all around me that give me protection and mobility.

I have two kids that are free from real struggle, intelligent, and adjusted.

I have faith and knowledge that gives me direction and stability.

What I have focused on is not worth my time, energy, or mental health.  I want to purge them, but be aware of what my role is to affect them positively.

My work role, America's direction, relationship status, my social, career, and financial status.

Again, I'm lucky to have the life I do.

loyalty vs honesty

Something I haven’t been able to understand, became clearer to me this evening. It’s not going to be easier to process, but I hope it will help me navigate down the road.

Everyone values different things, possibly mine is loyalty. In my last relationship, loyalty was not equal on both sides of our feelings. Loyalty for me is a growing, organic thing. For her, it wasn’t. Not to say that she doesn’t value it, but that we value it differently. In the same breath; honesty, humor, and directness was probably at the top of her list...and I struggle with the execution of those things. Not that I don’t value them, but labor with fear and disappointment to be better.

With this new revelation, I will not live-in fear, but be true…honest…direct…and laugh about my mistakes…all while being loyal.

focus and direction

I’ve been thinking…

Not sure what actions need to be taken, at least for right now, to point me in the right direction of my ultimate goal(s).

My faith wants me to pursuit the highest level of the celestial kingdom…and that will always be…there?

There is the pursuit of hope and faith and the pursuit of something immediate and quantifiable. The means is to have both…I can still focus on a meaningful relationship, stabile relationships with my family, and promise of a realistic retirement. I want to chase adventure, life, humor, and legacy.

I love the lessoned learned, “emotions give us information.” In an attempt to limit emotion and instill a process and activities…I need to funnel my focus to get the quickest results possible. I know that I’m doing better, but I can do more.

1. Pay off debt ASAP

a. No unreasonable travel – no Arizona, no Utah, no Idaho

b. No unreasonable spending – no maverik, no movies, etc.

c. On days off, find ways to make money

i. Sell cello & bike

ii. Sell headboards, pallet signs, etc

2. Read 30 minutes a day; preferably scriptures with other books from time to time

3. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week

4. Make visits to people once a week – church, community, friends, etc

5. Make church meetings whenever possible

6. Be tidy & clean

Once there is zero debt…$1500/mo towards savings/house fund. Within, 2-3 years purchase a house in Arizona.

What I have to offer and where I am doesn’t lead to a happy hunting ground of finding that meaningful relationship. I can’t invest in hope…if I chase the “hope” it will take time, resources, and emotional capital. If it happens…it happens.

moving on...maybe

I interviewed with Exxon yesterday after my night shift…

I’ve given ample reasons to stay with Williams and only a few to move on. I don’t want to leave out of resentment, nor do I want to decide with my emotions. So, self-check…my emotions are giving me information…the information tells me that I work hard and don’t feel like appreciated for my efforts…regardless of my mistakes, short-comings, and lack of self-focus on understanding the process. I take pride in my contributions, my attempts to make other’s jobs easier…there are many micro justifications that I have, and I want to make the poised decision…

I want a meaningful relationship, but there is no guarantee that will happen…what I do know is that I will be father for the rest of my life. There will be birthdays, holidays, graduations, college, weddings, vacations, celebrations, and extensions of my family…and the guarantee I know, Exxon will allow me to make me more available to do that. With the schedule and the increase in income, I would be limiting myself by staying with Williams.

I’ve made my decision if the offer is extended…I will be taking it.

There was a scenario that I once maneuvered with…my life is busy, complicated, and unique…and unless I found a relationship that would exists in this area…I might have to be a split my time in two locations…if…

job change...possibly

I’m in a position that I might need to decision if I’m going to stay with Williams or possibly take a position with Exxon…if offered.

Why would I leave and why would I take a different job. Am I chasing money or running away from challenges? Does is allow me to pursue my ultimate goal or does is restrict my options?

If I stay with Williams…I have a shorter commute, better schedule, better benefits and more opportunity for movement within the company.

If I leave and go to Exxon, it will be my last job. I’ll need to stay here in Kemmerer, SW Wyoming area. Idaho is out of the question…the schedule is not ideal nor is the daily commute. I don’t know that dynamics of the workforce nor do I know the mobility locally or movement to another location.

There is a sourness when it comes to my compensation and those that started after me at Williams. I don’t know if I’m justified in my frustration of getting paid less for more quality of work. It is arrogant to think I work harder than a few of the operators and Williams, but I know that I do.

I don’t know what my compensation package will be? I don’t know what my benefits will be? 401K? Pension? Stock Options?

My #1 thing is to have a meaningful relationship? And I’m on the best path I’ve ever been and placing myself in a position to do that.

I hate to think that I will have to put conditions on a relationship that will work…Keep my “energy” job in Wyoming and commute back to my family wherever they may be. Is there a girl out there that would be okay with that? Splitting my time?

The Exxon schedule would be awesome for that scenario…7 on, 7 off? More pay…

Can I do shift work for the next 20 years? I’ll have to do that with Exxon, I will be on days if I stay with Williams…hopefully?

Truths...

I want a meaningful relationship.

Right now, I don’t offer enough to attract what would be meaningful.

My feelings about my future are not consistent.

My inner dialog being spoken gets me in trouble.

One of the best ways to find fulfillment is through service.

In order to have greater mastery I need to be mindful and practice the following;

· Self control – Health, Health, Health

· More polite directness and NO passive comments – ground myself

· Know my boundaries and respect them – personal, professional, relationships

· Confidence in my moral worthiness – Kindness, service, and faith

Find confidence in mastery

My mind wanders quite often…past relationships, future adventures, current projects, career pursuits, financial obligations, promises to posterity…as I try to feel my way through life I have moments, few steps forward, few steps back.

I know I need to learn to forgive myself for the steps back…acknowledge and embrace the atonement. Confidence is a strength that can fuel all those avenues of my life…relationships, adventures, projects, pursuits, obligation…my legacy for my posterity. Stay focus and keep moving.

There is a tug between the independence that is healthy for me and a co-pendency that I have allowed myself to fall into.

The battle that with my emotions and passion are slowly losing against calmness and balance. Self-control and patients are not my strengths…they only thing I want more than that…a wonderful, sexy, fulfilling relationship.

Direction...AZ will have to wait

I have lost my cool multiple times in the last week.

The frustrating part is, I want to be able to control my emotions, stay balanced and poised. It’s easy to blame my environment, but it’s not that. There’s no doubt that it’s a contributing factor…but I really would like to peal the layers back and see where the basis of my frustration is.

The easy answer…and I honestly think is the core…I’m not where I want to be. It has nothing to do with my location or my environment, but my position…lot…stage in life.

Comparing myself to my friends surfaces a lot of those emotions. I’m comparing myself to who and where I thought I would be when I was 25. I look at my friends and family…while they are on fall break or a family vacation…I’m 900 miles away from my kids, working overtime to tackle debt, little to no assets, no relationship, a job where I put too much unnecessary effort and not enough focus understanding how to move up and onward?

It’s easy to tell someone that they need to be happy with who they are and where they’re at…or learn to be happy by yourself…lots of clichés to pick from.

Previously I found happiness in accomplishment and companionship…I can’t have impact on a relationship that doesn’t exist or is present…so accomplishment is where my focus must stay.

Get out of debt…as of right now if I average $1677/every two weeks I’ll be debt free by next summer.

That goal is in site and kind of exciting, but I’m not sure where to take the next step?

Do I get back into physical accomplishment? Ironman’s? Races? Adventures? I’m not sure?

Do I focus on obtaining assets? Investments? Most likely?

Should I put effort into a relationship? My overall goal is to find…build a meaningful relationship. That’s what I would like to do, but without assets…investments…financial foundation and future, what kind of relationship do I really attract?

So…where do I start? What should I plan for? What path…environment…what framework is going to help me accomplish that for my stage of life. Meaning…45/46 years old? $100K income (right now) No real assets…little or basic retirement?

Best path is to stay right here in Kemmerer. My income will only get better, costs will stay controlled. Retirement planning between Williams 401K and pension, Fire Dept pension, and my personal planning is good…It’s a predictable and consequences are known. Financial side is high…relationship and personal activities…is LOW.

Idaho is great a good balance. My income will drop b/c the lack of OT pay…going to 40-45 hours per week? Fire Dept retirement goes away? So financial outlook drops, but the personal fulfillment and relationship outlook greatly improves.

Arizona is where my heart wants to be, but my head tells me that I shouldn’t even be considering it. My overall plan is to work frantically towards a rental property there…Air BnB and a car…giving me an awesome step for assets/financial planning? Going to AZ would be a step back in career, income, and future planning. The only advantage is being close to Castle and Roman…friends??? And potential dating?

I need to step back from looking at AZ…maybe put a few feelers out once I’m debt free…and some money saved up?

Right now, stay in Opal for the next year PLUS, but always look and pursue Williams opportunities in Idaho. Remove debt, save for 2-3 years, buy a property in AZ while I keep my expenses low here or in Idaho. That’s a plan…now I need to belief it…be patient with it…and trust it will resolve frustration and increase joy.

stopping my mind from racing...

It's disappointing, my mind races and overthinks when I go running or for a bike ride.  I haven't tried lifting or going that direction, but I'll try tomorrow.

Working on my bus, watching movies, playing phone games, swiping on dating apps are the only things that really keep my mind from going nuts...

I hate that I'm being physically lazy, but I feel my head and mind need more attention that my cardio or waistline. Those areas can bounce back.

In the last 48 hours I've put a serious amount of time and thought into finding a way to move back to Tempe.  The options are not good right now...either have a $85K year job or very low cost of living...buy I house for cash...going with the second option, it would take me 4-5 years make that happen?  Passively working towards that might be something to consider?

Considering where I am at, my resources, my over health, my projections...I have to plan on staying at the Opal plant long term?

If that's the case...work hard, pick up all the OT I can, take any and all promotions I can get.  Stay healthy, watch my spending...

All the time keeping my eye open for opportunities...

Stay with Williams...work days...relocate...make it work. Idaho? Colorado? Texas? None of these are options without staying with Williams.

Look for opportunities to get back to Arizona?  Not sure how that will happen?  The path that is the most clear...move back with the ability to buy a house for cash & enough savings that any job will work?

How?  Work here and save...save...save...invest...invest...invest.  Sacrifice everything now to make it happen sooner???

I can do that in Opal/Kemmerer pretty easy?  Even if I have to buy a simple place here?

I'd really like to get to Boise area...I can continue to work with Williams, but do some side work with Whitey.  The upside is all in Idaho right now?  Work, side work, personal opportunity, better weather, hobbies, activities, etc. 

Feeling better about having my eyes and ears open for opportunities that present itself.

Whitey, Lynzee, & Chad

I would hope that everyone has a brother, sister and friend like them...

Luckily...thankfully, I was able to talk to each of them today and what was incredible...they each called me.  Then to finish the night...facetime with Castle & Roman.  

I really don't know how I would have gotten through the last several years without each of them. Castle & Roman are my "why" but right now there's not a dialog or exchange that makes me think or challenge the status quo.

With Whitey there's not a lot of pushing, but all support, kindness, and being optimistic.

Lynzee does help me to understand myself better and poses enough questions to place my perspective in different directions.

Chad really is an incredible human being...against the odds...he pushed through more resistance in his life and came out on top.  He really has been a great friend and I would hope that everyone has someone, that is not blood related, that is like Christopher Chad Sullivan.  He is heaven sent and one of the greatest blessing in my life.

Finally...the letter to myself...this was hard

Bryan…

Stop overthinking this…everything.

In a world where mediocre and surviving is the normal, you are anything but that.

You have concentrated on elements of your life that are red flags to a perfect person, but those flags are things you are addressing with focus, energy, and a dedicated plan. There are not many people that have or are willing to do what you are doing. Most people will just push them aside and even hide from them.

You have $50K that is outstanding, but you have only been working at it for 6 weeks and $10K has been resolved. Your plan is working.

You know your short comings and working with a counselor to work on them.

That’s what you are allowing to limit your value…that’s it. Focus on everything else you have worked at throughout your life…

· You are an honorable father and ex-husband; you do everything to be helpful

· You are a college graduate with a career that provides opportunity

· You are a volunteer firefighter

· You volunteer regularly in the community and school system

· You practice your faith and strive to be better

· Your work ethic and integrity are often unmatched in your circles

· You have completed in 5 Ironman races and will continue to do them

· You always ask others what you can do to help them…you love to serve when many can’t or won’t

· You have been forgiven...remember that

· You have learned the value of resolving conflict, square up to it and have a balanced conversation with it, you have found that it’s usually not as big as a deal as it once was…

Keep your head up and know you are worth the trouble, worth being patient, worth waiting around for, and worth any sacrifice…stop comparing yourself to who you were 3 months ago, he was full of hope…they guy you have been for the past 30 days is so much more. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

Moving forward…there is nothing but positive upside for you…for yourself, for your family, for your friends, for anyone in your future.

Remember you can get through anything…you always have.

Letters....

So the first letter assignment was to no uncertain people in my life...to basically clear the air and heal the relationship.

The only people would be Lindsey and Jesika, but I was having a hard time getting started. Not sure why...after thought it's because both of those relationships...at least in my mind are still evolving. Lindsey for sure...she'll really never be out of the picture. We will always be parents and eventually grandparents together. Life can't do anything to change that path.

Jesika is more of a choice and logically, it's a stupid choice.

There is no indication of us getting back together and on a short sidewalk...nothing has been said or extended to think we'll even spend time together.

My heart has hope b/c of things said, but my head also says give up b/c of things said...obviously from her.

Hope - from everything that was said before she took a leave of absence; the I love yous, the I want to adult with you, the I want you around as much as possible... Then the middle break up; we can still date, we should spend time together and see how things shape up... Then the, I'm checked out comment with a, I'll never close the door. The logical side...she's made up her mind that I'm a combination of broken and financially not an option and it would take a higher power and a large endowment/retirement to redirect affection in my way.

Head - Financial health is too important to her and weighs too much to override other positives. Concerns towards addiction and depression b/c obvious between Hawaii and the end of August...my neediness pushed her over the edge...rightfully so. I hated how I acted. And the over looming cloud of passive aggressiveness really put her into...just not a good fit.

There's always a but...

If there ever was a chance to talk...after healthy balance came back...knowing what I know now, learn and understand who I am turning into...and even everything we were...there is conflicting feeling between her truth that she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean and not having some type of serious conversation about trying to work it out...any type of ultimatum..."Bryan...this **** needs to change...let's take a break or step back until we can decide if this is a "live with or end" kind of behavior. If we were just dating...then I wouldn't need that. But we had a serious talks and had every intention of getting married.

THAT BEING SAID...

I have let go...weeks now of any hope...all that exists is a boys wish.

So Brett has asked me to change the letter....a letter to myself that I'm enough...that I'm worth all the trouble and a plea to myself that gives me the evidence and confidence to be more than enough...

I'm so conflicted b/c I don't know where I lost that with Jesika...honestly if I did have it was a façade. I needed to address the financial issue. Also, I needed to address the passive aggressiveness...and stop complaining being critical of others.

I'm heart broken to know that I wish I could have met Jesika 8 months from now, when these 3 things will be minimal, if not eliminated from my life.

The really hope is that it will be gone for the next relationship...no matter what.

And I know that I'll be worth it...

pops...

 I'm not ready for this...

Stage 5 kidney failure.

Time really is the most valuable currency...

Assignment and 1st Video Session...I like where I'm heading

Letter assignment…

I had my first video session with Brett, I like him, and he seems like a guy I would get along with. His tempo and thoughtfulness in the process I’m going through has been good for me. There has been a good balance of him validating me and challenging me. So naturally, the trust I have in him is refreshing.

I wish I would have taken some notes b/c there was one time in the conversation that it was deep water stuff, but I felt safe and comfortable opening up and accepting what was being discussed. BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!?!?!?! Haha…

We talked about my break throughs with JR and my mom…oh…this is it…

With JR it was me having a need to get more from him but in a better form. For a couple of years ever time I go to JR to ask for help, direction, or an explanation, he buries me with too much information, and I’m left overwhelmed, frustrated, and missing the boat on what I needed in the first place. So, I approached him with me need(s)…very directly.

“JR, give me the 1 min explanation or remedy and if that doesn’t answer it, then I can ask follow up questions about upstream or downstream…???”

I continued to let him know about my frustration but optimism in working with him in the future on stuff…but moving forward…this is what I needed. Afterwards, there was a burden lifted about holding any grudge with him.

Around the same time, I asked my mom about how I was growing up. Answering with a quick “I always thought you were an angry little boy…”

That was hurtful but I immediately recognized it was reality for the both of us. My follow up, “Was I like that when we lived in Green River…???”

With a questioning shake of her head…” No, not really.”

I remember the feeling of leaving Green River…I was so angry, selfishly I felt like I had it perfect in Green River and there was nothing in Kemmerer that was going to make me forget my friends, the awesome house we lived in, the neighborhood, the adventures, and everything I was loving about my life in Sweetwater County.

And I finally told her…” I was so mad at you and dad for moving away from Green River.”

I stay in the house for the better part of the summer and refused to find any enjoyment. It only took that amount of time to really hurt my emotions…that really have burdened me for 30+ years.

The moment I told her that, there was a healing in my soul that I had no idea that would come from it. I was holding so much internal resentment towards my parents for something they felt was the best for everyone. I haven’t had any bitterness towards my parents since that conversation.

I enjoy JR now and it’s allowed me to be more positive and optimistic with others at work.

I’m now looking at other people that I could potentially have a conversation with that will unburden me…

But that’s what Brett said that was so deep…he said that it starts with a need that needed filled or resolved. Asking a direct question that could help me move forward or in a healthier direction.

The only two people that I feel like I want to do the same with is Lindsey and Jesika.

I’m not tethered emotionally to Lindsey, but I still complain about her and critical of her, so I feel like I need to do something.

Jesika, I’m deeply emotionally bonded too and it’s due to my own efforts. We invested 5-6 months into each other, but I reasoned and settled down with every intention of marrying her and that has made it difficult to let go. She has given me answers that I have spelled out in earlier entries, but still can’t server my connection with her. It gets easier and easier each day, but with every buzz of my phone I hope it is her reaching out. Brett has asked me what I would need to do with untether myself from her…the cold reality…I don’t want too, but logically it’s the path that is present.

recognition...and hope.

Today Brett asked me about my passive aggressive behavior and the areas I tend to act up...or areas I want to focus on.

I have thought about this in a general sense but never put a hard line connecting the two and analyzing the baseline element that ignites everything. The more I uncovered the layers, the more I realized it deals with my perceived efforts, my expectations, and getting recognized for it.

For the last 4 days I have been working, kind of isolated and on an island by myself. Honestly, it's what I prefer and it allows me freedom to work fast, flexible, and work on projects. The negative side of that, that freedom gives me leniency to slack off in areas I should be focusing on...studying flows, cause and effects, walking down P&IDs, understanding the process better…

I’m spinning my wheels for the sake of gaining personal facade satisfaction of accomplishment. I’m doing unnecessary things to be busy and seem like I’m doing my job, but I don’t know what I'm doing. I’m not where I should be. I’m not the operator I should...could be. I’m great at taking direction and completing tasks assigned to me, but I should be able to troubleshoot and fix upsets in our plant without too much help or direction.

I look at my physical qualities, perceived presence, and general trajectory...and think I have a pretty handle on life, but I have a false sense of security, confidence and availability. I am and have been stuck between feeling like I’m a dateable guy and someone every girl should avoid.

What these two areas have something in common and possibly other areas too…

My efforts might be in the wrong areas and focused somewhere else is what’s really needed. My expectations are my own and should not be for others. Heck...I don’t understand where other people are putting their focus so why would I judge them if I don’t understand them? The last part of this is getting recognition for something I know shouldn’t get anything other than a casual nod.

The reality...I want to be praised for a job that I don’t understand because I'm too busy doing what I want and not what is necessary?

When it comes to relationships...I’m starting to understand that there are some similarities. Yea...I say a lot of the right things, I do a lot of the right things, I make sacrifices and concessions for the relationship. But do I...or am I...mmm...doing anything that is really the right thing for the relationship without reward or recognition...remove any expectation other than the love and companionship we both want. AND, know my efforts are honest and accepted.

Brett made a comment earlier....balance is not necessarily equal.

My lack of confidence and other issues...I passively sit back and wait, then make a comment to create a reaction. I have to learn how to rewire myself.

Right now, I’m not a catch. Nothing can change that reality, the silver lining...I haven’t felt better about myself for 23 years. I hope to thank those that have help me along the way.

Idaho? option? or hope?

Between prayer, journaling, and dialog with Brett…I’m understanding myself a little better each day.  I sent him another message today that I feel like I’m handling things better…I have more balance, but I really haven’t been tested as much as I would like…to get experience and get better.

MMM…well two weeks ago I let me patience and frustration surface towards someone, and it came out.  Instead of asking a simple question to get a simple answer, I said that I “took” care of it when I hadn’t.

These are the situations I might struggle to acknowledge in the moment…

I’m a finding myself in a pickle….

Before Jesika…I have a few goals and things I wanted to focus on…those same things are some of the reasons why she bailed…Now those goals are more important than ever.  Not only for her, but for me…for anyone in my future.

My greatest desire to have a meaningful relationship that I can put my all into…have someone that I can love, support, and grow with…someone that will challenge me, and we do it together.  Jesika was that and so much more…that’s my perception.

But also, I had a plan to leave Kemmerer at some point…just to have a better environment, access to life, opportunities for person growth…and now…finding that meaningful relationship.

Ideally, I don’t want to leave until my debt is gone.  Secondly, I want to put hope into Jesika.  Third, there is a level of known vs. unknown.

I recently put in for a transfer to Meridian, Idaho…and its day job with no shiftwork, no weekends…at least Sundays and I find that I rather enjoy being at church.

I face myself with a question that I kind of already know…what happens if I get the job offer?  Leave without telling Jesika?  Before I accept the position, share with her the news, and see how she reacts?

My first impression, she will be happy and say that I should take it if I think its good and not hold off in the hope of “US.”  She is not sentimental nor bound to anything or anyone.  Her feelings are numb towards me at this time and would need multiple…positive experiences of friendship, bonding, and new character revealed by myself…that would take time.

But I love her enough to keep that hope…I’m NUTS!

The Natural...

One of my favorite movies...specifically baseball movies and I've heard this line dozens of times...

I'm probably more sensitive to certain movies or parts of movies that are related to things I'm going through. I've watched "For the Love of the Game" twice in the last week...Right now I'm drawn to this movie for two people that ebb and flow through life...

Kelly Preston is a single mother and Costner a major league pitcher at the height of his career when they meet...She tests the boundaries of their compatibility and is wishful in the future of them. He, however, lives in the moment of convenience and always yields to his career...specifically his legacy as a hall of famer pitcher.

The movie time jumps between the life of their relationship and his last game...one that he is flirting with a perfect game...no hits, no one on base. Costner is so consumed by revisiting his relationship with Preston and how hours before she broke things off permanently by taking a job in another country.

His distraction...focus on the break up, the highs and lows with his love...put him in a place where his doesn’t press...and somehow find himself in the zone...the place where the highest performance exists....

In no way do I think it's relative...but I relate that someone else has told me what I want, what I need...But also, that I have yielded to my own preferences...my decisions...my past rather than love what I had.

That’s also to say that I have not gained a great amount of experience about my functions...shortcomings...behaviors...and health.

Anyway, to finish up with the line that was so thought provoking from the movie, The Natural.

At the end of the movie, Robert Redford is talking with Glenn Close about his past, he says that some mistakes I guess we never stop paying for…

Iris: “You know, I believe we have two lives.”

Roy: “How...what do you mean?”

Iris: “The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.”

Someday I hope to find my Iris...

growing...grounding

I’ve been using the grounding techniques a few times a day…

When my mind is racing…when I find myself thinking too much about a certain person or certain stress…when my emotions are higher than usually, specifically when I’m frustrated at a person or situation.

On Monday I did a small flow test for going on the board and I failed miserably.  It was decided that I need to pulled off from training on the board. Initially I was angry about it, by the time grounded a few times, removed myself from the reality of the situation, I was okay with it.

I don’t think I ever wanted to be on the board but I was looking for something to make more money.  I’m disappointed that I’ll miss out on upgrade pay and sitting inside during the cold months, but I like being active, I like doing little projects and it keeps me busy.  Sitting in the control room makes for a long day and lately, my mind wonders too much.

The grounding helps me stay patient.  I find myself racing into the future, expecting, or wanting change before there is any action taken to create change.  As much as I am learning about modifying my thinking, establishing boundaries…grounding my feelings…I need more time to have it become instant in those moments.  I’m still amped in my feelings…ideally, I want to be able to instantly ground myself without exercises to act on my feelings.

The rush of emotions, positive and negative are still strong.

Grounding Technique

Brett passed along a little exercise for me to test when there is an imbalance.  Or maybe when my feelings are amp up and it difficult to control.  Again, feelings are to give me information…

My experience, my feelings are strong and have a challenging time manage my reaction…I need to find a way to control or suppress my reaction until I’m in a good place to address it, specifically ask a direct question rather than making a ½ cocked comment.  Brett used the example of Christmas morning…the excitement of that moment and tempering it down.  It also swings to the other side of the spectrum…

I’ve already used this exercise to push my anxiousness aside…specifically dealing with staying patient on my process of re-wring my head, attacking my financial goals, and seeing results on all fronts.

Here is the diagram…and I think it will be a good way to help me sleep at night…stop my mind from racing…control my overthinking…and find balance quicker.

The technique is to go through each of these steps, and concentrating of each element with the greatest detail. I like it.

Talk 8/21/21 - Camp Review - Priesthood -> Tempe -> Mission

The Alchemist is one of my favorite books...a recurring dream troubles Santiago, a young and adventurous Andalusian shepherd. He has the dream every time he sleeps under a sycamore tree that grows out of the ruins of a church. During the dream, a child tells him to seek treasure at the foot of the Egyptian pyramids. Santiago consults a gypsy woman to interpret the dream, and to his surprise she tells him to go to Egypt. A strange, magical old man named Melchizedek, who claims to be the King of Salem, echoes the gypsy’s advice and tells Santiago that it is his Personal Legend to journey to the pyramids. Melchizedek convinces Santiago to sell his flock and set off to Tangier. When Santiago arrives in Tangier, a thief robs him, forcing him to find work with a local crystal merchant. The conservative and kindly merchant teaches Santiago several lessons, and Santiago encourages the merchant to take risks with his business. The risks pay off, and Santiago becomes a rich man in just a year. Santiago decides to cash in his earnings and continue pursuing his Personal Legend: to find treasure at the pyramids. He joins a caravan crossing the Sahara desert toward Egypt and meets an Englishman who is studying to become an alchemist. He learns a lot from the Englishman during the journey. For one, he learns that the secret of alchemy is written on a stone called the Urim and Thummim. The ultimate creation of alchemy is the Master Work, which consists of a solid called the Philosophers Stone that can turn lead to gold, and a liquid called the Elixir of Life that can cure all ills. Santiago learns the Englishman is traveling with the caravan to the Saharan oasis, where a powerful, 200-year-old alchemist resides. The Englishman plans to ask the alchemist the secret of his trade. As it turns out, the caravan must make an extended stop at the Oasis in order to avoid increasingly violent tribal wars taking place in the desert. There, Santiago falls in love with Fatima, who lives at the oasis. During a walk in the desert, Santiago witnesses an omen that warns of an attack on the historically neutral oasis. He warns the tribal chieftains of the attack, and as a result, the oasis is successfully defended against the assault. The alchemist gets word of Santiago’s vision and invites Santiago on a trip into the desert, during which he teaches Santiago about the importance of listening to his heart and pursuing his Personal Legend. He convinces Santiago to leave Fatima and the caravan for the time to finish his journey to the pyramids, and he offers to accompany Santiago on the next leg of his trip. While the alchemist and Santiago continue through the desert, the alchemist shares much of his wisdom about the Soul of the World. They are mere days away from the pyramids when a tribe of Arab soldiers captures them. In exchange for his life and the life of Santiago, the alchemist hands over to the tribe all of Santiago’s money and tells the soldiers that Santiago is a powerful alchemist who will turn into wind within three days. Santiago feels alarmed because he has no idea how to turn into the wind, and over the next three days he contemplates the desert. On the third day, he communicates with the wind and the sun and coaxes them to help him create a tremendous sandstorm. He prays to the Hand That Wrote All, and at the height of the storm he disappears. Santiago then reappears on the other side of the camp, and the tribesmen, awed by the power of the storm and by Santiago’s ability, let him and the alchemist go free. The alchemist continues to travel with Santiago as far as a Coptic monastery several hours from the pyramids. There, he demonstrates to Santiago his ability to turn lead into gold using the Philosopher’s Stone. He gives Santiago gold and sends him off. Santiago begins digging for the treasure at the foot of the pyramids...

I was fortunate enough to be a part of the Aaronic Priesthood Youth camp this last month, and you’ve heard a few highlights from most of the young men and Brother Merrick. Our goal for the camp was to create a highlight, a turning point, and help everyone in attendance get on the path towards their personal legend…just like Santiago.

Finding your personal legend is finding the best version of yourself through trial and error, exploring life’s adventures through pleasure and knowing if it’s part of the legend or fighting against it. It’s also experiencing pain and how to process it in a positive way. In life's journey we are going to experience all kinds of emotions and feelings... information to help us formulate the best path forward.. Knowing the difference between love and fear. And possibly the most important part of our path...finding honor in the pursuit of what you truly want out of life.

Unlike wild animals, we need more out of life than survival and basic instincts. A beaver wakes up every day with the intention of making his pond better...never does the thought enter his mind that the beaver upstream has a bigger pond or more to eat. Now our four legged friends get used to the affection we provide for them, but they don’t compare that affection with what a pet up the street is receiving?

Our lives are full of layers that give us pleasure and pain, love and fear, humor and sadness. ??? Are we not all pursuing the same thing...a consistent and reliable source of happiness. Along our journey to find this happiness, we realize what our core needs are and it’s different for everyone...for one it might be a sense of adventure...hiking, hunting, fishing, exploring nature and find joy in our father’s creation. Another might be emotional fulfilment and affection, they want to give love and receive love and will sacrifice financial and physical well-being to have that love in their life. Competition, humor, wealth, knowledge or prestige...there are so many paths people wander to find joy. Unfortunately, some stop and just try to survive life, wandering...going day in and day out with a routine that provides little resistance and little if not any reward.

Our goal for YM camp was to create an environment to get the boys to hear a message, feel the spirit and keep the option of pursuing a life that includes the gospel, specifically...priesthood progression, temple attendance, and fingers crossed...serving a mission.

We had excellent speakers lined up...Bishop Skidmore talked about turning points and it instantly became the theme of our camp. Brother Linnemeyer spoke about mission experiences and building a solid foundation for our lives. Bishop Erickson reviewed the talk by Elder Holland and testified about the joys of working together in pursuit of the rewards given by Heavenly Father. Brother Rusty Kaiser shared his experience of the Lord has a plan for you, trust his timeline for you. President Deardan talked about a relationship that he formed from his mission, in his words...brotherhood that was formed in the pre-existence...a promise to find...testify of the truthfulness of the gospel. I talked about the importance of creating good habits now to strengthen and prepare for our future. Brother Paul Kaiser shared his conversion story and what he wanted and how that changed once the gospel changed his life. To finish the night we had Teryn Thatcher, recently crowned Miss Teen Wyoming, she talked about what a girl is looking for in someone to date. It was encouraging to hear her talk about taking care of themselves physically, staying clean and taking care of their bodies. She shared stories about boys at college that freely gave of themselves through service and being open about their feelings. Hearing her talk about the difference between boys that know how to express themselves in a healthy way and boys that give a don’t care vibe...was refreshing and hopefully motivating for the boys to learn how to communicate better and not through texting, snapchat or someone else’s vines. The story that really touched me was when a few boys overheard them talking about not having the sacrament because of Covid...the boys left the room, called their priesthood leaders for permission to administer the sacrament...not only did they see an opportunity to serve, but they were in that moment worthy...they were ready.

It reminds me of the talk from Jeffery R. Holland…

It may not be blizzards and frozen-earth burials that we face this conference, but the needy are still out there—the poor and the weary, the discouraged and downhearted, those “[falling] away into [the] forbidden paths” we mentioned earlier, and multitudes who are “kept from the truth because they know not where to find it.” They are all out there with feeble knees, hands that hang down, and bad weather setting in. They can be rescued only by those who have more and know more and can help more. And don’t worry about asking, “Where are they?” They are everywhere, on our right hand and on our left, in our neighborhoods and in the workplace, in every community and county and nation of this world. Take your team and wagon; load it with your love, your testimony, and a spiritual sack of flour; then drive in any direction. The Lord will lead you to those in need if you will but embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ that has been taught in this conference. Open your heart and your hand to those trapped in the twenty-first century’s equivalent of Martin’s Cove and Devil’s Gate. In doing so we honor the Master’s repeated plea on behalf of lost sheep and lost coins and lost souls.

Before we departed on Saturday, President Nelson recapped our camp and bestowed promises and blessings on young men, reminding them they are part of a royal army, reserved for this time…

This camp started off with ideas of grandeur...splitting the boys into companionships, pre-missionary priests teaching the classes, simulated mission experiences, explosive activities and games, thought provoking and life changing discussions...we had it figured out.

We started off as a committee of 10 brethren back in February and it got whittled down to 3 by the end of June. Between work schedules, family life, county fairs, and other random reasons...it was apparent that we needed to focus if we were going to pull it off.

We didn’t know how many boys were going to show up, we had Kevin in Pinedale working frantically on meals and did a great job, and Darren scrabbled to get supplies and logistics mapped out...I was working with the stake on a theme and finding people to teach or lead discussions...we all agreed with the time and resources we had, we wanted to accomplish just 1 thing...feed these boys. Let’s make sure the boys have plenty to fill their bellies and that they feel the spirit as much as possible. Days leading up to the camp, I kinda felt like Nephi...not knowing beforehand the things which I should do...Nevertheless I went forth...but I’m sure we were lead to call the different people to speak...Bishop Skidmore, Bishop Erickson, Ryan Linnemeyer, Rusty Kaiser, President Deardon, Paul Kaiser, Teryn Thatcher...President Nelson.

Our goal was to move just one boy from one side of the fence to the other. Administer to that one boy that was starting to question his faith and provide an environment where he could feel the spirit and direct his focus on staying worthy, honoring his priesthood, and if he chose, serve a mission. Our hope, to help one of these young men to see his personal legend...not to find treasure at the bottom of the pyramids, or a chest of treasure, but to seek after these things...being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...believe all things, hope all things, endure many things...pursue things that are virtuous, lovely or of good report or praiseworthy….

In the alchemist, Santiago meets Fatima at the Oasis and falls in love with her...and for a moment feels like giving up on his personal legend...for something that feels so wonderful...and a great substitute for personal legend. How many times do we allow distractions to get in the way of our purpose...girls...college...job or early start to a career...fear of the unknown. The false sense that you are putting life off for 2 years? Something that feels good and possibly even safe, even comfortable and right.

I want to finish my synopsis of the alchemist…

Santiago begins digging for the treasure at the foot of the pyramids to find his treasure and fulfil his personal legend, but two men accost him and beat him. When Santiago speaks to them about his dream vision, they decide he must have no money and let him live. Before leaving, one of the men tries to illustrate the worthlessness of dreams by telling Santiago about his own dream. How discouraging it might have been for Santiago at this point in his life...he could have stayed at the oasis, stayed with Fatima and lived a comfortable life. But the dream of the man that just beat him allowed him to see the big picture...the man’s dream is about a treasure buried in an abandoned church in Spain where a sycamore tree grows. The church is the same one in which Santiago had his original dream, and he finally understands where his treasure is. Santiago returns to Spain to find a chest of jewels and gold buried under the tree by the abandoned church. By following his personal legend, he gains knowledge and intelligence, he meets his love, grows in his own abilities and connects with God on a higher level. He obtains his treasure and plans to return to the oasis, where he will reunite with Fatima, who awaits him...

If we are on the Lord’s errand, all of the treasures that he has await for us...

For whoso is faithful unto the obtaining these two priesthood of which I have spoken, and the magnifying their calling, are sanctified by the Spirit unto the renewing of their bodies..for he that receiveth my servants receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth my Father, and he that receiveth my Father, receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.

This includes those worthy desires you have now...love of a spouse...a worthy career to provide for your family...comfort in the spirit...and the possibly the greatest reward...HONOR.

The Doctrine & Covenants tell us this is the most worthy pursuit…

“...and it came to pass that Adam, being tempted of the devil - for, behold, the devil was before Adam, for he rebelled against me saying, Give me thine honor, which is my power…”

And in Moses…

“And I, the Lord God, spake unto Moses, saying, That Satan, whom thou hast commanded in the name of mine Only Begotten, is the same which was from the beginning...behold, here am I, send me...I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it, wherefore give..ME..THINE...HONOR...and he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies...to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will…

Our fallen brother even knew that true power starts and ends with honor…

What is honor…

It’s keeping commitments...it’s saying you will do what is asked of you. It’s instilling confidence in those around you that you can accomplish the tasks assigned to you. Honor is to have the ability to get people to follow you because of your courage, service, knowledge, faith, and love for them and love for your Heavenly Father. Honor is having high esteem and respect for all...Honor is the difference between a shepherd and a sheep herder...no one can lead without honor.

As a father I work tirelessly to earn the right to ask the tough questions that are coming too soon. With my 11 year old daughter, Castle, it’s playing games, singing songs, doing Legos, watching movies, and being an example of hard work and accomplishment. For Roman, it’s Pokemon hunting, building forts, creating adventure and entertainment, being patient and kind when he loses his cool...and helping him find ways to earn money for his piggy bank. Of course, I facetime for homework, reviewing their day and seeing if they need anything...I’m trying to honor my responsibility as a father...and I’ve learned some painful lessons in the past few months about what it is to have honor as a father, particularly a father physically removed from his children, but honor is more than time. Honor is co-parenting with their mother and meeting my obligations to her and supporting her. Honor is withholding their wants and administering their needs. Honor is being perfectly honest with them, helping them manage their emotions and square their shoulders to challenges of their life. Honor is listening with the intention of understanding and not hearing to respond. Honor is knowing that 5 minutes now is more important than 5 minutes later.

Our goal of camp was to get one boy to stay or get back on the path...honor his priesthood, be worthy to enter and frequently visit the temple, serve a mission…

Just like any calling...any lesson we prepare...any talk we put time and effort into...it’s that person who needed it the most. I’m confident, I was the boy who needed this camp the most...I needed to hear those warm testimonies from leaders from our stake. I needed time to consider what it means to be physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually healthy. I needed to be reminded to trust in the Lord’s timeline. I need to have this camp to create a turning point for me. I needed this camp to feel my Savior’s love.

I want to share a story from my friend Mark...he shares…

Disclosure, all of our kids are usually really good kids. But Canon, my 11-year old son, always scores bigger than his siblings from Santa on Christmas morning. I’ve watched him do this since he was 6. So how does he always make a haul? And my other kids get a lump of coal by comparison? I think I’ve cracked his code. And also learned a little something about God in the process. Say “surprise me” In October the kids start writing letters to Santa, my oldest three send epistles, they revise and resend. Until our horrible little elf on the shelf finally leaves. But Canon writes only one letter each year…”Dear Santa, you always do awesome. Please surprise me! Love Canon” Then on Christmas morning, while the other kids are opening the air force ones and new clothes, just like they asked for.. Canon thoughtfully pulls little gifts out of his stocking...Cherishing every moment. Tara and I bounce off the walls excited for him to see “The Surprise” that Santa brought him. In 2019, he got a trip to Israel with me...What if Jesus has simply answered the exact prayer of Peter, Andrew, James and John before they knew him...they would have really missed out on some things. “Jehovah, please send us more fish!” God want to maximize our lives through Jesus and he will. But we need to stop thinking we’re the experts on our own growth. After all, does a seed know that is needs water and sun to become a tree? No Jesus doesn’t offer a little change here and there. He doesn’t want Christmas lists...For you Father knows what you need before you ask him. Jesus wants a whole new creature.

C.S. Lewis said…

“The more we let God take over, the more truly ourselves we become - because he made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and were intended to be...it is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to his personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”

I hope all of us will take the opportunity to understand how important callings and assignments are...not to keep the work going forward, but to keep us going forward.

To the young men that are preparing or age ready for a mission...take the time to meditate about a mission, fast, pray, talk to someone about what it meant to them to leave behind everything comfortable for the unknown. Ask them about the friendships that are bonded over the sharing of the gospel. Ask them how it is to see someone find peace in the atonement of their Savior and be a part of that.

Week review - goooooood week

Reviewing this last week I want to think about things that happened; where the Lord made his presence known, a time where I have failed, and opportunity to grow and an overall feeling how the week went.

Where I failed...Tuesday, we were moving gas volumes from one processing plant to another plant & placing both of those plants into recovery mode. Which is to say, simple with experience, yet tricky if things are not lining up. To make a long and complicated story short, I spent too much focus on starting a system in both plants and ignored a medium level alarm on the refrigeration system. The first time I looked at the alarm, I mentally dismissed it as minor and “chattering.” As it continued, I got annoyed...looked at the screen with the alarm and didn’t notice anything concerning.

Without looking at the screens that affected that flow both upstream and downstream, I didn’t understand or realize there was much more going on. I exhausted the initial system and flooded everything downstream without knowing about it. My lack of understanding that system could have cost the company thousands and thousands of dollars.

At that moment, I wanted to walk out and never come back. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t know what I was doing. A few days later, I can acknowledge that it was a great learning experience and understand further how to troubleshoot issues. I failed, but have valuable experience.

The opportunity to grow continued at work. The more they leave me alone in the control room, the more I am forced to learn how to navigate the system. Where I can borrow pressure, temperature, and use it to create better gas, or more liquids. I realized how much I took for granted the time this last spring, I’ve only been focusing the last few weeks...and for that I should be reprimanded...or at least have a serious talk with.

I had a great experience in the temple this week...I really need to continue making this a weekly thing. The sacrifice of 5+ hours to drive and spend, has proven both valuable, productive and uplifting. Something that I heard for the first time, God took from man a rib, made he a woman...she to be a helpmate, but did not say for man to be a helpmate to her…??? Also, heard with a clear mind, and the spirit testified to me the promises and blessings during the session...I wish I could put more here so I can remember it and revisit it often, but that’s what will happen with more visits. I know I can be better, be more, have more faith...be more obedient...sacrifice for my faith...sacrifice for patience, sacrifice for humility...sacrifice for love. His hand has been there all week.

Good week and hopeful for the same this coming week. I’ll work 5 days, 12 hour shifts, hike Mt. Timp Friday night/Saturday morning, Star Valley temple Saturday afternoon...and sometime, move my bus? If that all happens...it will be almost perfect.

Feelings are just information

I’m getting great feedback and dialog with Brett.

Hearing the comments along with processing how it aligns with my personality, what I’m trying to change, and hearing what I give back is great. Brett is making it simple, but within  it, there is depth.

When he specifically talked about my overthinking he brought up boundaries. I just jumped into her life without holding back and it wore me down. In hindsight, I didn’t need to reduce the time I spent with her, but acknowledge, like Brett brought up...know that balance is not ever going to be equal. As I look at things, I was assuming that time would eventually resurface normalcy and regular schedules. I would refind myself while she ran with hers. But while going through it I reduced myself to a relationship, rather than an individual in the relationship. Admittingly, I can now say I wanted this to happen so much, I wanted to keep up with her and I couldn’t. I got worn down and lost myself...and I know she would have preferred that I just be the best version of myself.

Another point that Brett brought up that I really liked was teaching me that my feelings shouldn’t dictate what I do. And they have...I’m an emotional person and I react. He stated that feelings are not instructions on how to act or what to do, it gives us information. The goal moving forward is to identify the emotions as they come, act with purpose and be direct.

As I interact with anyone, if I’m wondering, feeling doubt, unsure...and I even with positive feelings...joy, excitement, etc...identify the feeling, use the information to form a line of communication. What I say will also give that person information, but that’s for them to decide how to use it. But be honest, be direct, be true.

He finished with, “...don’t be scared of feelings, but it’s just information to take action.”

I like his style so far.

Gratitute

Yesterday I wrote down my inner thoughts and frustrations with the intention of re-reading it and deleting it. The emotional dump was refreshing, and a weight was removed that seemed to make my mind work overtime.

I read a thought from a general authority, that to really know yourself, you need to write. Putting down words and finding the right way to describe my feelings has been therapeutic. Whether or not I’m being 100% honest with my entry is another conversation. And…that’s where yesterdays “ball of paper to the trash can” comes in useful.

The last two days I lashed out at a co-worker. ***Disclosure*** This particular dude is a wreck. He’s unpredictable and difficult to navigate around. Most days, I need to spend a portion of the morning massaging his needs and involve myself with his stuff.

I’m trying to turn and navigate a rather large corner in my life and it’s requiring me to make substantial changes… This whole process is exhausting and I’m not checking myself like I should. Well, I didn’t mind myself and my mouth jumped the gun, and I dumped my garbage right at his feet. Not a good moment in the life of BTC.

Last night I was on a casual bike ride and felt the need to remind myself of those things I’m grateful for. President Nelson asked us as a church to flood social media with gratitude…I need to remind myself how good I really have it. Sure, there are people that are in a better place, but I have no idea the sacrifices they have made to get there…. this time next year I hope to review my life and see a bliss life and clear path to a genuine and joyful world.

Not in any order…

Castle & Roman. I would like to go into detail how special they are. Their stark differences are wonderful blend that is selfishly perfect for me. Castle is kind, patient, content and thoughtful. A fond memory I have of her, as a toddler she would walk through each pew at church and shake everyone’s hand. When visiting city parks around town, she would go up to random kids and say, “Hi, my name is Castle, wanna play?” Her balance of playing by herself and enjoying other’s company is wonderful. Roman on the other hand…is a comedian and full of fire and passion. He is determined and when he’s focused, there’s not a wall he can’t climb over or go through. Of course, they both are learning about their limits and where they get frustrated, but that’s life and I love where they are going.

I have a great life and perspective, there’s no doubt that it come from my faith and belief in a higher power. Because of this, it keeps me between the lines. At least, more often than not. It’s not safe, nor fair to compare myself to others…BUT the complications of living within different moral guidelines have limited my pain, suffering and grief. This relationship also keeps me accountable to progression. There is a growth that I need and pushing myself in different ways. Just this last month, I’ve had the painful experience of growth. Something I should have gone through years ago, but within the eternal perspective…it doesn’t matter when it gets done, but rather the change taking place. The living gospel is something I highly value and am grateful for.

I am fortunate to have great health and desire to keep fit. I’m not sure where this comes from, but I can do all that I want, push myself to do things others only dream of, and the ability to plan and prepare for awesome adventures.

The job that I have is not for everyone, heck…it might not even be perfect for me. The income, the benefits, and the schedule are everything I need. I have the ability for overtime and promotions…and all of that allows me to pursue things that are important to me. I can visit my kids frequently, pursue my hobbies, and find new adventures…I’m lucky.

Friends…I was adding other titles…supervisors, mentors, coaches, leaders, etc to this list, but the reality, they are all friends…if not family. I would have not been able to find and re-find…AND re-find my way in this life without them. I hate to single anyone out, but specifically…Chad & Whitey have truly been heaven sent on so many levels. I cannot express enough how much they have helped me, supported me, and gotten me through some very difficult times. There have been others, but I know and pray for them often.

This might be something I regret being grateful for, but I love that I am self-aware and can recognize and acknowledge my strengths and more importantly, my weaknesses and shortcomings. They only reason I have been able to traverse through this wonderful and sometime awful life is knowing where I am and where I stand. I have a long way to go, but I’ve also came a long way.

There’s so much more to be grateful for and it’s often the little things that make these bigger things stick together. I do love my life…I’m not for everyone, but I’m grateful for those that are along for the journey.

Giving up...not part of the plan

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, house of fasting, house of faith, house of learning, house of glory, house of order, a house of God.”

I had a spiritual experience yesterday reading the Come Follow Me lesson, going through the scriptures in D&C and followed up with a prayer to know my position with Heavenly Father…

It’s obvious to me that I have not done this enough in my life and taking time to evaluate my position before God, my habits, my intentions, my path, and my faith. There’s always been a moral threshold that has kept me from abandoning my faith, even though I’ve drifted a few times. As I look at where I am currently am, where I’ve been and the possibilities of my future path, I must accept that I might give up…

Thinking about the different scenarios where I might give up…it would be for companionship and filling the void of being alone. I don’t think I would abandon my faith in God, Jesus Christ, and the gospel, but my activity in the church would go dormant to sustain my relationship with my companion…I hate to think I would make that sacrifice?

To safeguard from that happening, I need to stay organized and put my financial health at the front of my priorities. Followed by planning for chaos…creating additional streams of income??? Stay prayerful which will feed my hope. Fast regularly to curb my appetite and mental toughness. Strengthen my faith…regular temple and church attendance & participation. Daily study of scriptures and Come Follow Me to understand and develop purpose. Stay organized and plan for chaos.

I’m really trying to place everything in God’s hands right now…I have moments where I’m grounded and feeling good and other times where I feel desperate, alone, and empty. In those moments, I’m trying to find purpose…and it when I feel like give up the most.

Jimmy - worthwhile

Yesterday I received text yesterday from Jimmy…Dave King, with the attached picture reading, “How do you like me now!!!”

Of course, I replied, “I freaking love this!!! I wish I would have known!!!”

As I started to think of his journey towards going to the temple and getting sealed, I couldn’t help but think this is what matters…pursuing the goal of being sealed and then working together towards exaltation.

And as I review my life, I realized that I have this blessing and I really need to appreciate it more. Although Lindsey and I are no longer together, we are sealed to our beautiful kids for time and eternity…being worthy of this blessing is worth every effort to stay on the path of righteousness.

At the same time, always looking towards the horizon and seeking companionship…

It goes back to the principle of accountability that I was studying earlier this year. To really get the most out of your progression, it helps to have outside influences to keep us accountable. From my notes I have this list (who we should be most accountable to)

1. Heavenly Father – Faith

2. Spouse/companion

3. Children

4. Parents/Family

5. Employer/employees/co-workers

6. Neighborhood/community/country

7. Health/wellness/mind/body/soul

8. Coach/teacher/therapist/mentor

9. Environment/nature/life

We have been taught that there is a triangle between the relationship between ourselves, our spouse, and our Heavenly Father. The ideal plan is, the closer you move toward Heavenly Father, the close you move to your spouse. The closer you move toward your spouse, the close you get to Heavenly Father.

I appreciated Jimmy sharing this with me, I’m excited for him. He finished with…

“I have never felt so small and insignificant yet 10 foot tall and on top of the world at the same time.”

Looking forward to having those feelings again…soon.

Holy Places

Last few days, the thought of…” Standing in Holy Places” has been going in and out of my mind.

I work in a facility that is full of crudeness, rudeness, and foul sense of humor. Even though, individually, all the guys I work with are good and decent people. When the mob gets worked up, its combustible and a lot of junk gets thrown out.

I have a family, specifically myself, that has struggled with conflict resolution, temperance, and meekness, as well as being open to other’s ideas, thoughts, opinions, and paths. There is a stubborn streak in me and it’s a lack of trying to understand where that person stands.

If I am the one standing in a Holy place, I hope that I will see that person as our Father sees them…someone struggling in life, trying to the best they can when what they know. I don’t know their environment, or the circumstances, or the demons that have a grip on them. BUT I can understand the feeling of wanting to be better, the pursuit of a better life, the want to be happy…

So, I’m reevaluating how, what, and if I can do anything to put myself in a Holy place.

Here are my locations I find myself in, HOME, WORK, GYM, NATURE, CHURCH, TEMPLE, HOMES of FRIENDS, FIRE STATION, STORES, VENUES, PARKS, etc. Those are the ones that came to mind…

If I really want to stand in Holy places, there is only so much I can do to affect the physical location, but where my mind and heart are will have a great impact on my attitude, perception, and understanding of being Holy.

I can give a blessing on those places I reside, but what really matters in filling my mind, my thoughts and consuming my life with the pursuit of God, salvation, kindness, and service. Praying for those opportunities and more importantly, acting when I am prompted. The more I can tune my heart, eyes, ears, and being towards those worthy things in life, the more I will stand in Holy place.

It’s not going to hurt, to make the goal to get to the temple once a week. It will be more difficult having the Star Valley temple 90 min away compared to 15-20 mins for the Mesa or Gilbert Temple.

A thought from President Erying, write down something…where I felt like the hand of the Lord was part of my day. The other day, Ryan Davis, a missionary friend reached out to me asking about life…I appreciate that now even more than when he did…he’s always been in tune and really needed it when he did. I want to be that kind of friend.

I have been blessed with many admirable qualities…hard work, perseverance, determination, a healthy body, and a willing mind…but the demons that haunt me now...my level of patience, it's my achilleas heal.

It has been the torn in my side my whole life, and if I’m honest…it’s the reason for all my setbacks, short-comings, and pitfalls.

Whether it’s addiction, career path, relationships, or personal goals…I can trace back to the element of patience that has slowed, stalled, or choked my progression.

The quick path, easy road, having fulfillment now rather than flourishing later is not a quality that I’ve practiced. I’ve always wanted to consume the marshmallow now, rather than wait 15 minutes for the reward of a second.

I am being tested right now with the desire to be loved and give love…when I’m not ready to give or have either. I want my troubles to go away without the effort to dig myself out, knowing that I’ve had the time, resources, and ability to do so. Again, I want the easy path to feel good now.

This is going to challenge every part of my soul and I know that I will be better, wiser, and more appreciative, if…when I can climb out of this. (This is where I spiritually get to exercise my self-control…lots of prayer, lots of fasting)

I have let Jesika go with the hope that she will be there when I’m healthy.

It’s challenging to put her out of my head and heart, and this obsession is unhealthy.

Reassessing my goals right now:

1. Pay back child support ASAP. Right now, my main priority needs to be caring for Castle and Roman. This needs to be my new obsession. Having the ability to have rights and visitation w/ them is so important, to me…to them. If I ever do have a relationship with a girl, I want Castle & Roman to be there and along for the ride.

2. Eliminate Debt and never look back. I can’t dream with these kinds of anchors around my ankles. There’s no way to launch into prosperity if there are no resources. Sure, I can save money and slowly pay off debt, but where I am right now, I’m limiting the time to really make a financial impact on my future while I have earning power. I can take the next 5 years and save $200 and put towards investing and pay off debt? That would make me $12K and I “could” be out of debt? Or I can kill myself and get out of debt in 13-15 months, and put $400 a month towards investing…and be $19K+ at the same time? I have 12-15 years left to work. Scary.

3. Create a path/plan for creating wealth – LATER

4. Find/Develop a relationship with a girl that is meaningful; healthy physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. My GREATEST NEED and WANT.

5. Serve - EVERYWHERE

Service & Becoming more like our Savior

 

Good morning brothers and sisters.  I’ve always been a fan of movie quotes, music lyrics, and other quotes that make me think...often I’ll write them down in my pocket journal to recall later.

I’d like to share a few...

“My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get”

Or

“There’s no crying in baseball”

How about…

“You’re killing me Smalls”

Or 

Big Gulps huh...well, see ya later...

Okay…these might not be motivating…but definitely entertaining and break the ice almost every time.

More serious ones…

I really like a few obscure quotes that really make me think and put into perspective a clearer path…from the Pursuit of Happyness Chris Garnder talking to his son…

“Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something, not even me. Alright? You dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.”

Another one from the live version of Cinderella…

“The greatest risk any of us will take will to be seen as we truly are.”

I really enjoy the quote from the movie Life of Pi talking about faith.

“Faith is a house with many rooms with a common guest named doubt, often visiting every floor and every room.  But doubt is useful, it keeps faith a living thing, after all you can never know the strength of your faith until it has been tested.”

A while back I listened to Randall Wallace speak at the National Prayer Breakfast.  Mr. Wallace is the writer of Braveheart, Sectretariat, and We Were Soldiers…and he shared a personal experience during his earlier career that became an iconic part of the movie Braveheart.

As he stated…

I had my embarrassments and my setbacks, but I kept writing; I moved to Los Angeles, I got an opportunity in television. I married. We had two beautiful sons. I had purpose in my life, and I worked like I’d seen my father work, with pride and passion. I won a multi-year contract with a thriving company. I bought an old home and remodeled it; I was promoted to producer. Except for an occasional mishap with my tie, life was sweet.

Then the Writer’s Guild went out on strike, which caused the company I worked for to void its contract with me. The strike went on forever, and when it was over the company was barely there anymore. I was out of work; my savings were gone. No one would return my phone calls--I’m sure that’s never happened where you work.

I kept trying, of course, I was always good at trying. But one day I was sitting at home, at my desk, staring at nothing, my stomach in a knot, my hands trembling, and I realized I was breaking down, as my father had. I feared I had failed my father, and my mother, and my grandmother. And my greatest fear was that I would fail my sons. I was afraid they would see me come apart, as I had seen my father come apart, and it would be something they could never forget.

I got down on my knees; I had nowhere else to go. And I prayed a simple prayer. I said, “Lord, all I care about right now are those two boys. And maybe they don’t need to grow up in a house with a tennis court and a swimming pool. Maybe they need a little house with one bathroom, or no bathrooms at all. Maybe they need to see what a man does when he gets knocked down, the way my father showed me. But I pray, if I go down, let me go down not on my knees, but with my flag flying.”

And I got up, and I began to write the words that led me to BRAVEHEART.

Tolstoy wrote in WAR and PEACE that in a battle, one man throwing down his weapon and running away can panic a whole army, and in a panic one man lifting up the flag and running back toward the enemy can rally the whole army.

How can you apply the principle to living the gospel of Jesus Christ…how can we be the one to lift the flag and rally our troops…

This week in Come Follow Me we got to review the story of Oliver Cowdery and his desire to be a part of the bringing forth of the Book of Mormon.  During that process both Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery received revelation recorded in Doctrine and Covenants Section 6…

“If that wilt do good, yea, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God. For there is no gift greater than the gift of salvation.”

We all know this on principle…but do we pursue this with an eye single to the glory of God.

No matter how to feel about it, we can do better…

We work…40+ hours a week to put a roof over our head, food on the table and add some of life’s enjoyments where we can.

We play…vacation, exercise, hobbies, enjoy nature and the outdoors and when the Wyoming winters hit, we resort to watching TV, board games, puzzles, and unfortunately scrolling through drabs of social media.

We really have it easy…

But like Randall Wallace experienced during his breakdown…he glimpsed into all of our futures and put into perspective…and how many of us will be...as he put it...

“And dying in your bed, many years from now, would you not trade all the days from that day to this, for one chance, just one chance…to spend more time working out our salvation, building a relationship with Heavenly Father, teaching our children early on about the importance of faith, prayer, forgiveness, repentance, and service...

So how do we start, where do we start?  How do we help each other focus more on the Savior and receive the gift of salvation?  What can we do to be that soldier in a panic, that grabs the flag and rallies the entirev army to move forward?

So, what’s first?

“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

Seems easy, but do we do this?  I have two types of testimonies.  The one I bring with me to church and share at the end of talks and when I choose to share it...the other is on how I live, what I talk about and how people see me act and behave...I’m trying to do better with the second one.

What am I talking about…I talk about how tired I am of politics, how much I wish live music and concerts would return, spend most of my time with work, family time, hobbies, and activities?  When I facetime with my kids its usually about what they did that day, if they have any homework they want to go over or how school was...?  Talking about my faith is not an arrow in my quiver of discussions that I have on a consistent basis.  When I die, what will my obituary say...what will my family and friends say I represented...that is my real testimony.

So how do we start to talk about Christ more…

Ammon gives us a great example and method anyone can do…if we have the desire…and is just one of the many things we can do to help each focus on the Savior.

Ammon went to the land of Ishmael, among the Lamanites and was carried before King Lamoni.  He convinced King Lamoni that all he wanted to do serve the king and “dwell among this people for a time, yea, and perhaps until the day I die.”

Three days later a number of certain Lamanites scattered the flocks, and the other servants began to weep…

“Ammon saw this his heart was swollen within him with joy; for, said he, I will show forth my power until these my follow servants, or the power, which is in me, in restoring these flocks unto the king, that I may win the hearts of these my fellow-servants, that I may lead them to believe my words.”

After restoring the herd, the Lamanites came again to scatter the flocks, but this time Ammon stood forth and began to cast stones at them with his sling, yea with mighty power.  Determined even more that come forth with clubs to slay him.

But behold, every man that lifted his club to smite Ammon, he smote off their arms with this sword…now six of them had fallen by the sling, but he slew no save it were their leader with his sword.

Afterwards, the servants of the king testified to the things which they had seen, and he had learned of the faithfulness of Ammon in preserving his flocks, and also of his great power in contending against those who sought to slay him, and the King said…Surely this is more than a man.

Am I saying that through service, or perfect practice and execution at work will lead to the Governor or General Manager to ask you about your faith…might not happen?  But when we are in the service of our fellow being, we are in the service of our Lord.  When we open up the door to serve others, it leads to conversations about life, about hobbies, vacations, what we did on the weekend…thus creating an opportunity.

That brings up another great movie quote…

Great Moments are born from great opportunity. And that’s what you have here tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned her tonight, one game…tonight you are greatest hockey team in the world.

Isn’t all we are asking for is an opportunity…

Jeffery R Holland address General Conference in 2006 had a great challenge, he ended that talk with the following…

“This morning President Hinckley movingly reminded us that this is the 150th anniversary of those handcart companies, as the general conference was convening in October of 1856 here in the Salt Lake Valley, were staggering through the last freezing miles of Nebraska and were soon to be stranded in the impassable snows of the high country of Wyoming. He quoted to us President Brigham Young’s inspiring general conference message to the Saints, “go and bring in those people now on the plains.”

As surely as the rescue of those in need was the conference theme of October 1856, so too is it the theme of the conference and the last conference and the one to come next spring.  It may not be blizzards and frozen earth burials that we face this conference, but the needy are still out there - the poor and the weary, the discouraged and downhearted, those “falling away into the forbidden paths” we mentioned earlier, and the multitudes who are “kept from the truth because they know not where to find it.  There are all out there with feeble knees, hands that hang down, and bad weather setting in.  They can be rescued only by those who have more and know more and can help more. 

 And don’t worry about asking, “where are they?” They are everywhere, on our right hand and on our left, in our neighborhoods and in the workplace, in every community and county and nation of this world.  Take your team and wagon; load it with your love, your testimony, and a spiritual sack of flour, then drive in any direction.  The Lord will lead you to those in need if you will but embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ that has been taught in this conference.  Open your heart and your hand to those trapped in the twenty-first century’s equivalent of Martin’s Cover and Devil’s Gate.  In doing so we honor the Master’s repeated plea on behalf of lost sheep and lost coins and lost souls.

I’d like to challenge everyone to earn the right for an opportunity… to ask and discuss those difficult questions.  The best way we can do this is to invest the time.  There is no substitution for time with service, time spent listening, time understanding their concerns and challenges of their life, time praying for them, time following up with things that are going on in their life. Time asking them about their family, their work, their projects?  After we have earned that right, then we can have deeper discussions about Christ, how to rejoice in Christ, how to preach of Christ and how to help our children to know what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

They will feel different when those conversations about the Savior and his mission are more frequent, more sincere, and with the purpose of what happiness can result from living the gospel.  When this happens, they continue the rally.

Isn’t that exactly what Ammon did…earned the right through service, execution of duties as a servant and going above and beyond what others in that same position did? He was willing to put in the time…Perhaps until the day I die?

So many ways to help each other focus on the Savior...pray with each other, study with each other, be examples to each other, but I’m confident the one thing we can do is serve each other.

Let’s not miss the opportunities that make the most of our lives.  Don’t live in fear but have the confidence to love as Jesus loved.  If we really want to help each other focus on the Savior there are so many paths to do that…But service and time served will provide us the opportunity to teach and be taught of the Savior.

I want to bear you my testimony…