Leaving Williams...

The heart going back to Arizona all hinges on what is in Arizona and has nothing to do with elements in Wyoming or working for Williams.  

BUT...

I would have never started looking if I felt like things were going in the right direction, it was an environment I was enjoying, and felt appreciated for my efforts and contributions.

I'm disappointed and confused today...not one supervisor or manager gave me well wishes, a good luck, or any other type of acknowledgment about me leaving Williams.  I don't know if it's the status quo or if they truly are upset about me leaving?  I have to look at only what I know...

If I'm honest with myself, I haven't been happy here for a while and my attitude and attention to being the best operator I can, was not yoked with what I'm capable of.  I always thought myself as one of the better hands here at the Opal plant, but I've been moody, isolated, closed off, and bratty to most everyone.  

I'm confused that not one of them said anything...

Now I need to look at what I can do better with the next step.  Have a better attitude.  Be honest with what I bring to the table.  Don't expect a pat on the back for doing my job.  Exceed expectations about my abilities, learning my job, and executing.  Be happy for myself, be happy for others and be optimistic about life.

Just a feeling...and I'm optimistic

I'm less than a week away from leaving Wyoming and going back home to Arizona...

Strange to say that I think of Arizona as my home, but it really is.  My family, roots, and youth are all here in SW Wyoming, but my friends and circle of interests are all in Arizona.  Set aside my kids being there, I don't ever seeing myself move back to Wyoming.  Maybe Utah (b/c of a spouse) or Idaho...maybe Colorado?  Who knows for sure.  

I've been packing up my stuff for the past few days, I've rehearsed what I'm leaving behind and things I will possibly miss...

Definitely will miss my parents and the ability to visit my family that's close by.  I don't think I ever realized how incredible Kemmerer is to infinite adventures in surrounding states. I'm 10-12 hour drive from hundreds of national and state parks. I'll miss being part of the fire department and helping out with coaching & reff-ing. Part of me is disappointed in love not connecting, but that part is hopeful in my move to Arizona.  I'll miss waving to people when I'm on runs around town, or riding my bike from place to place and hearing honks from friends. Having casual conversations at the swimming pool or grocery store, catching up on small talk.

BUT...I don't have a deep connection with anyone here...I thought I did at one point.  I'm not a bigtime hunter, nor do I care for ice-fishing.  I don't own a side-by-side or a snowmobile, and crushing a 12-pack of beer is not my idea of a Saturday afternoon well spent.  I'm a country boy that loves access to stimulus and services...multiple options for fun and adventure.  I have found myself more in the last 2 years that will make Arizona so much more than it was before...As long as I can side-hustle, stay in budget, and keep my focus on being healthy...life is going to be grand.  

I can't help but feel optimistic about this move...not that I believe in signs, but there are already multiple things that have happened to build my excitement about the return.  

My last trip down to the valley, I was on the return flight with a friend who told me his sister is going through a divorce and might need a friend to bounce around with...no expectation, but it would be nice to have a good friend to concert jump, hike, and adventure with???

Then the first week back, a friend already invited me to go to the ASU football game...heck yeah!

My first day back, and I just found out about this yesterday...all my best pals will be having our fantasy football draft party. 

The next day, my kids are having a piano recital!  The next day...I start my new job.

I love that I'll be busy and options to get reintegrated. I feel lucky, blessed and optimistic about this move.

conflicted...

Leaving Wyoming means leaving my parents and the possibility that I may never see one of them alive again?  Pops has not been feeling well lately and Mom is burning herself out with over working herself and stressing. 

I'm conflicted b/c they don't have a good relationship.  I know that I have a healthier relationship with my dad, but most of it exists on the surface.  Mom is complicated and stressed with expectations.  Dad is tired, worn out, and doesn't have a lot of drive to live out the rest of his life...he's kind of waiting?  Mom, constantly is nesting and stresses when others don't align with that.  She doesn't treat herself well, or has confidence when Dad is around.  Most of the siblings can talk and enjoy time around Dad and Mom resents that.  She also resented that about Grandma...she wants that same thing, but involves herself and interjects herself into things with the intention of approval rather than discourse and balance.  Her sensitivity is another person in the room.

I'm conflicted...on how to say goodbye, how to leave for Arizona and leave in good graces, how to stay connected while I'm in Arizona, how to stay involved, how to be supportive and not come across as ungrateful. 

Going back to the Heat Box...I love it

 Well, as long as my background check and drug test come back clean, I'll be a resident of Arizona in a short while.  The positives win in a landslide.

• Being close to Castle & Roman
• attending events, concerts, competitions, etc
• having more impact on thier development & growth
• holidays, vacations, & breaks
• Better work schedule; no holidays, weekends, or night...but I will be on-call.
• More access to personal relationships, friendships, and social life
• No more living in snow
• Ability to actively participate in my faith
• Access to hobbies & entertainment that fit my lifestyle

The only downsides to going to back Arizona is being away from Mom & Dad and the cost of living in Arizona...it's going to be expensive.  But the plan I have will work.  

On another note, last Wednesday...the 20th, Dad got all serious and wanted to tell me something...and it sounded serious.  He proceeded to tell me he didn't know how much more time he had, but wanted to tell me that he loved me and loved being my dad.  It's was a special moment, sincere and heartfelt.  It will be difficult to regret the last 6 years being close to and growing my relationship with Dad...there been more trust and memorable moments together.  Even though Mom and I have butted heads the last few weeks, it's been nice to connect in a different way. 

still weighing on my mind...

I've now discussed this move, back to Arizona, with Mom, David, Marshall, Lynzee, & Whitey.  It seems like a clean, clear choice...go back to Arizona.

So why is it difficult?

It all evolves around money...making it, saving it, investing it, spending it...

I'll make less, save less, investing will roughly be the same, but I'll be spending more too.  

I want to reach out to Erik, our financial guy and see what my options are to buy a house in Arizona ASAP.  I don't have anything for a down payment, nor do I have anything as collateral, not that would be an option. I would like to use my income and work history of Williams to back my mortgage.  I saw a house in Mesa, modular/manufactured home that was extremely nice for $150K and my payments would be $1200/mo...which is great. The other possibilities...cash out my 401K...pay crazy taxes on that to pay for a down payment?  The last option, wait until we sell the houses in Kemmerer in two years and cashout with them for my down payment? 

Again, I put myself in this position.  I should have over $100K in equity or other investments...then this decision wouldn't be so difficult.

I would be awesome to find a sugar momma that just wants a 46 year old boy to tag a long in life?  But again, I probably wouldn't gel with her if that's what she wanted.

I don't want to adult this decision

In the next 2 weeks I will interview for two different positions...one that will allow me to work straight days, no weekends, limit my income, and remain in Kemmerer...potentially for the remainder of my career.  The second position will take me back to Arizona, work days, no weekends, limit my income, raise my cost of living, be closer to my children and potentially slow my financial plan.

There's no real way to weigh the pros & cons of these decisions.  I've been giving it so much thought that I'm really struggling.  If I move back to Arizona, I get to be close to my kids and have regular interaction, my social life sky rockets.  If I stay here, my cost of living will stay low, allowing me to save & invest more.  Going to Arizona, I'll need to budget and find a healthy side hustle.  Staying in Kemmerer I have accepted being single and my companion will be adventure & season ski pass to Beaver Mountain.  

Buying a house in the Phoenix area is not going to happen with the wages I will make from this position, so I'll need to find a realistic side hustle that can bring me $10k-20k extra a year??  Selling mattresses? Delivery? Remodeling? Turo?

If I stay in Kemmerer for 2-3 more years, I'll have to stay with Williams.  When I get over 50 years old, I'll be un-hirable.  There's no doubt, it's tilted to Arizona...but the cost of living is a big weight to consider.  I've been looking at places to live...rent is going to be $1300-$2000 a month...then utilities on top of that?  I'm just not sure how I'm going to make that work?  

First step is to interview and see what comes back?

New Chapter....CBC Properties LLC

I’m excited about the future.

I’ve shifted around my focus but haven’t changed any of my goals. Finding a meaningful relationship has taken the elevator down to the bottom floor. I really don’t have the ability to influence it more than I have. I’m not giving up on it so I will keep my eyes open. I get interest, but nothing that’s realistic for staying in Kemmerer???

Kids will always have the focus and energy, and everything defaults to their needs and helping them.

Consistency with my general routine is important and keeps my focus. I would like to do better with feeding my spiritual side…prayer, studying, churchy stuff…

But my drive is to create more avenues of income and financial stability. I’m lucky enough to have both hands around this and partnering with Whitey and his brother-in-law. With that same breath, we are fortunate to land two rental properties to kickstart our partnership. By this time next year, we’ll be bringing in $500-1000 plus equity per month on those. Our hope is to have multiple rentals & AIR BnBs in ten years. Fingers crossed.

I’ve been driving at knocking down my school loans but decided to go with minimum payments. I’m not sure it’s the best option, but I’m not getting value off paying down any sooner but giving me more buy in power with our property LLC will. This new direction has more potential to create velocity for better financial outcome. There’s no guarantee, but it’s a logical choice.

Hope seems to creep into my head, through my heart…to keep that potential relationship alive. The blunt truth…unless I forego my religious values, I don’t see a relationship happening if I stay in Wyoming.

Hopefully in 2 years, I have a home in Arizona that is my primary home that I’m AIR BnB when I’m not there, Turo-ing a car…and thus giving me 3-4 streams of income…lowering my cost of visiting Castle & Roman…and potentially putting myself in a situation to have a relationship in Arizona??? That’s kinda, how I see it playing out? It will take a special situation/girl to make that happen, but I’ve heard of stranger things.

It's a New Day

Something has happened in the last few months, and I really can’t account for the element or elements that have made the difference. It’s not confidence, but it has given me confidence. It’s not focus, but it has given my focus.

Maybe a contributing factor chemical, physical, or physiological.

My personal struggle with pornography has been going on since my early 20’s but for the last year or so it has gone from awareness, focus, abstaining, and redirecting my energy in another direction. There’s no doubt that I’ve had to work at it.

The difference in the last few months…there’s no fighting it off with counter-triggers. It’s not in my “peripheral” or random thoughts like it once was. Before would be watching movie/tv show/video/social media and it would switch a trigger and I’d have to get up…go work out, go for a run, go for a drive…go through my routine to replace the swings with physical activity until the desire was gone.

Those same switches or triggers that would make me think about it are virtually absent. Maybe 1 in 20 times it might enter my mind, but it’s quickly gone with not a lot of effort. I’m optimistic that the change in the chemistry of my brain is allowing me to stay focused, and more balanced in my thought process.

Another contributing factor is where my primary focus is.

Finding a meaningful relationship is still part of my goals, by it’s no longer getting my attention and I’m just going to let it happen. Right now, it’s a balance of getting multiple streams of income and developing stronger bonds with Castle & Roman.

I’m scared to admit to myself that finding a girl with my same beliefs, might be impossible. The stigma is a difficult weight to bare, knowing how bad the chains of addiction can be. Sure, there are women out there that are extraordinary in their ability to co-exist, but mixing in hobbies, activities, and other elements that make attraction possible??? I’ve accepted that it might not happen, but I can be an awesome dad/grandpa and leave a legacy for those that follow me…even if it took me into my late 40’s to get my crap together.

This week was a little step in the right direction.

Whitey and I and buying a duplex and adding additional livable square footage. Two units that currently rent for $600/mo.…by this time next year we will be renting them both out for $1000/mo., building equity and financial push for more properties. The remarkable thing is how it all fell into place, and I cannot explain how it happened.

The north unit is 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and we offered $115K on a listing of $100K. The south unit is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathrooms and we offered $120K on a listing of $115K. Initially we only go the south which is a much better value, but somehow the funding fell through, and we found ourselves in first position…now we have both units. I can’t explain or understand how we got the south unit with only a $5K over asking and more livable space while the north was $15K over asking with less livable space??? With a little work, both units will be 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms…making $2000/mo. on a $1200 mortgage. Roughly. Potential and possibilities!

I love my circle and will do anything to protect and grow it.

Shawshank...hope

Red: "What are you talking about?"

Andy: "Hope."

Red: "Hope...Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It's got no use on the inside. Better get use to the idea.

Andy: "Like Brooks did?"

The movie continues on to the end after the "Redemption." 

Andy writes a letter to Red...

Andy: [in a letter] "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.  I will be hoping that this letter finds you, a finds you well."

I HOPE that for all the things I've done wrong as a father, I'm also doing enough to tell me kids that I love and want the best for them.

I HOPE for all my short-comings, mistakes, and sins, that my constant desire to be faithful, never giving up, and always wanting to return to my father will be considered.

I HOPE that me acknowledging my temper, my criticism, passive-aggressive nature will help me over come those negative characteristics.

I HOPE with all the financial mistakes and damage that I've put myself into, I can somehow recover and do what I need to do have a future and possible retirement.

I HOPE I can be the person I've always wanted to be, kind, motivated, fun, faithful, and overall healthy.

The movie ends with...

Red:

    "I hope I can make it across the border...I hope to see my friend and shake his hand...I hope the Pacific ocean is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."

plan for what I know, not what I hope for

I didn’t get the relocation job in Meridian, and it doesn’t look like I’ll get the maintenance position here at the Opal plant. Avoiding the discouragement of not getting a position that you mentally plan for, is difficult.

With the Meridian job, it was going straight days, working with Whitey on the side, increasing my options for social outlets, and going to a warmer place.

With the maintenance coordinator position, it was going straight days, better income to hours ratio, and not feeling suffocated as an operator.

I am grateful for what I do have but know that I will function better on days. Right now, there are 3 possible options in my near future.

1. Stay at Opal as an operator – kill it and improve my attitude

2. Move to Green River and take a field job – less pay, straight days, slightly improved social life

3. Hope that my number is called by Exxon – same job, more pay

For the last two weeks I’ve been straight days, doing project and picking up shifts. I feel like I’m doing everything to show I’m committed. I need to restrain myself and let the work take care of itself. That’s not the best way to describe the action, but I take too much upon myself and need to be better and delegating and finding others to help.

I’m also considering buying a house in Kemmerer, it was never something I wanted to do, but I must face the facts…I’m here. I doubt I’ll be able to find another opportunity that gives me the security and benefits that I have. I would love to get back to Arizona, but I would either need to consume a lot of risk or need an incredible about of resources to make that leap. Not deciding, but I must make decisions that would give me more options.

Being in the right…place is everything. And I’m always questioning that instead of having confidence.

Restore order with Imagination

This afternoon I was watching “Saving Mr. Banks,” a story about Walt Disney trying to make the movie “Mary Poppins,” which happens to be one of my favorite movies, but I heard a line that really made me think deeply about life.

“…because that’s what we storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again, and again.”

Walt Disney was trying to explain that what he often gets tired of remembering how things were (are). Laying to rest the regretful sadness of our past and finding ways to reimagine things in a better light.

As always, I look at this from a few different perspectives…

As a parent…possibly as a spouse, friend, family member…We do this all the time, or at least the healthy, optimistic side of us will. Heck, even as an individual, there is always a way to find hope where there might not be. Being grateful when most things are looking grim. That’s what the movie “Life is Beautiful” is all about. A father protecting his son while being in a Nazi concentration camp and pretending it’s a game.

The other way I’m looking at this is a flaw I should probably correct. How often do I look at life with or a particular situation with the hope that it’s going to be scripted like pathetic Hollywood movie? When life is quiet, and I’m trying to see the picture or look for the next step…my heart hopes that fate and a miracle is about to step in with a soundtrack of deliverance. But I don’t recall a time where the sea has parted, or love has concurred.

The last point of view is trying to be preventive…guarding or shielding the ugly side of life. I have friends and family that do this. It’s hard to argue that allowing innocence to prevail. But that community or society around my kids must be even more important. To think my kids will gain their understanding from inside the walls of my home or their mother’s home is reckless. So…to what degree do you/we/I allow my kids to live in innocence?

I don’t have answers, suggestions, or additional insight about the line from “Saving Mr. Banks,” but that one part...” restore order with imagination” is something that’s on my mind.

Faith & Pride

There is a puzzle that all of us are trying to put together and finding out how important our piece is to the bigger picture is…ego…perspective…pride…humility…

There are two contradictory behaviors that push me to believe that I can turn the tables on my position in life.

My faith on one side and my ego other the other.

Wanting…pursuing a life of blessings is what I’ve been taught. Follow the teachings of the Savior, understanding the purpose of life and obeying those laws that honor eternal progression. As there is commitment and loyalty to that life, it’s assumed that godsends are around every corner.

Then there is ego…wanting to outwork or force my focus to overcome obstacles is the other side of the coin. It doesn’t take too much humility to understand that I don’t have talent and aptitude to grasp money and how to leverage it. There’s no doubt that fear and staying safe with decisions is how I’ve operated.

I didn’t realize it till I started thinking about it…those same traits can hold me back too…

If I don’t feel worthy or my confidence is lacking and the slide…continues or at best…nothing changes.

Honestly, if I could step outside of myself and give myself some sound advice it would be…

1. At this point in your life…playing it safe will get you nowhere! But find out where you want to be in 5 years and make most of your decisions that put you closer to that.

2. There are principles that open and close things, decisions that are based on love and fear, and handling life will either be optimistic or critical…be on the side of light, growth, and gratitude.

3. Channel those qualities bring out the best in you and others…mainly be positive

My feeling that fortune is in my future and it’s a collective impression that it’s both faith and pride. I’ve gone from feeling pretty grateful to knowing that I have a good and am grateful.

Honor is power

I studied the principle of honor a while back and felt impressed to work towards honoring my commitments and promises.

Some of them are small...

    ...if you get a PR, I'll get you... 

or 

    the many times where I've told someone..."I'll take care of that."

Some are big...

    ...school loans, credit cards, tithing, church attendance, etc.

There is power that comes from confidence and that confidence is protected with personal honor.  Honor of keep commitments.  Honor in keeping your word.  Honor in keep promises.  Integrity...honesty...

...And something I just thought of that I didn't initially plan on writing about...asking for forgiveness, repenting, and making things right.  This is going to be a long road.

Headline of the New Year

It’s more complicated than that?

That’s the headline. There are facts and then there are theories…there are also hopes, but also fears.

The facts are things that I know…things that I have control or influence over.

The theories are ideas of why? How?

The hopes are all mine.

The fears are also all mine.

As I ground my emotions and feelings, I acknowledge that I must work through that information and only move towards my goals.

1. Have a meaningful relationship.

2. Bond with my kids

3. Debt free, strong income

4. Consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service.

As much as I want that meaningful relationship to included intimacy, I don’t have control over that part, but do have the ability to grow other relationships…and be open to options and don’t be surprised where it might come from.

I’m so happy where I am sitting with my kids. It’s healthy, it’s loyal, it’s optimistic, it’s open and it’s growing in a positive way.

I’m ahead of schedule with my debt…credit score up 50 points, and in less than 3 weeks I’ll have only one account left to resolve.

I’m going on straight days next week and it will give me an excellent schedule to work with. I’m hoping that I can get a weekly routine towards better mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Just off the top of my head….

· Regular scripture study

· 8 hours of sleep

· Homework with Castle & Roman

· Nutrition

· Minimum of 45 mins of exercise

· Weekly adventure

· Weekly service to help someone

· Attend social events, church, school events, concerts, festivals, etc.

The idea of minimizing my hope is cynical. Living without fear is needed and allowing facts to drive my path forward is necessary. The biggest challenge is not allowing myself to think about all the whys and hows that still work my mind.

Good Luck.