Purpose

I’ve always known there is an emptiness or void that occupies my mind, but I’m starting to understand it. To say that it’s a lack of purpose sounds extreme, but it’s having a daily agenda or monthly goal…and something to accomplish within the next year. For the past 3 months I’ve been obsessed in working overtime to pay off debts; putting off exercise, social interaction, traveling, and simple pleasures that I use to enjoy.

As a student there are layers of being in school; social interaction, classes, starting and testing out of a class…

As a husband it’s joining together to build and develop a life together. Tackling ‘Honey-dos” and planning for the days ahead.

As a father it’s getting them to school, making lunches, doing homework, playing games, doing adventures, taking them to practice, arranging play days, watching, and supporting them in their activities and commitments.

I look forward to having health distractions…dating, restoring Lucky, traveling, home-keeping, etc.  

But for right now, I have to stay focused and get rid of this financial anchor.

perspective

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I offered to work for a guy so he could spend time with his family, knowing I wasn't going to be with mine.  Mostly, I wanted to be occupied.

Something dawned on me with a weight that I hope has lasting effects.  Gratitude and offense/bitterness cannot occupy the same being.  Initially I was going to the same space, but that really isn't accurate.  There is a ruling factor in a person's personality...you are generally a person happy with what you have or you complain that someone else...does less, has more, yada, yada, yada...

I always thought I was a person who was more grateful, but I can see now I never have been.

As I look at my jobs, my circle of friends and family, arena of politics...my head usually states...what's wrong or unfair about what is on the side of the conversation rather than look at what I have.  

I'm pretty damn lucky!

I have parents that have always been able and willing.

I have siblings that are responsible, helpful, and contributors.

The friends I have in my circle are incredible in everyway.

I have a job that provides exceptional income, benefits and freedom.

I have physical health that gives me the freedom to be active as I want to be.

I have resources all around me that give me protection and mobility.

I have two kids that are free from real struggle, intelligent, and adjusted.

I have faith and knowledge that gives me direction and stability.

What I have focused on is not worth my time, energy, or mental health.  I want to purge them, but be aware of what my role is to affect them positively.

My work role, America's direction, relationship status, my social, career, and financial status.

Again, I'm lucky to have the life I do.

loyalty vs honesty

Something I haven’t been able to understand, became clearer to me this evening. It’s not going to be easier to process, but I hope it will help me navigate down the road.

Everyone values different things, possibly mine is loyalty. In my last relationship, loyalty was not equal on both sides of our feelings. Loyalty for me is a growing, organic thing. For her, it wasn’t. Not to say that she doesn’t value it, but that we value it differently. In the same breath; honesty, humor, and directness was probably at the top of her list...and I struggle with the execution of those things. Not that I don’t value them, but labor with fear and disappointment to be better.

With this new revelation, I will not live-in fear, but be true…honest…direct…and laugh about my mistakes…all while being loyal.

focus and direction

I’ve been thinking…

Not sure what actions need to be taken, at least for right now, to point me in the right direction of my ultimate goal(s).

My faith wants me to pursuit the highest level of the celestial kingdom…and that will always be…there?

There is the pursuit of hope and faith and the pursuit of something immediate and quantifiable. The means is to have both…I can still focus on a meaningful relationship, stabile relationships with my family, and promise of a realistic retirement. I want to chase adventure, life, humor, and legacy.

I love the lessoned learned, “emotions give us information.” In an attempt to limit emotion and instill a process and activities…I need to funnel my focus to get the quickest results possible. I know that I’m doing better, but I can do more.

1. Pay off debt ASAP

a. No unreasonable travel – no Arizona, no Utah, no Idaho

b. No unreasonable spending – no maverik, no movies, etc.

c. On days off, find ways to make money

i. Sell cello & bike

ii. Sell headboards, pallet signs, etc

2. Read 30 minutes a day; preferably scriptures with other books from time to time

3. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week

4. Make visits to people once a week – church, community, friends, etc

5. Make church meetings whenever possible

6. Be tidy & clean

Once there is zero debt…$1500/mo towards savings/house fund. Within, 2-3 years purchase a house in Arizona.

What I have to offer and where I am doesn’t lead to a happy hunting ground of finding that meaningful relationship. I can’t invest in hope…if I chase the “hope” it will take time, resources, and emotional capital. If it happens…it happens.

moving on...maybe

I interviewed with Exxon yesterday after my night shift…

I’ve given ample reasons to stay with Williams and only a few to move on. I don’t want to leave out of resentment, nor do I want to decide with my emotions. So, self-check…my emotions are giving me information…the information tells me that I work hard and don’t feel like appreciated for my efforts…regardless of my mistakes, short-comings, and lack of self-focus on understanding the process. I take pride in my contributions, my attempts to make other’s jobs easier…there are many micro justifications that I have, and I want to make the poised decision…

I want a meaningful relationship, but there is no guarantee that will happen…what I do know is that I will be father for the rest of my life. There will be birthdays, holidays, graduations, college, weddings, vacations, celebrations, and extensions of my family…and the guarantee I know, Exxon will allow me to make me more available to do that. With the schedule and the increase in income, I would be limiting myself by staying with Williams.

I’ve made my decision if the offer is extended…I will be taking it.

There was a scenario that I once maneuvered with…my life is busy, complicated, and unique…and unless I found a relationship that would exists in this area…I might have to be a split my time in two locations…if…

job change...possibly

I’m in a position that I might need to decision if I’m going to stay with Williams or possibly take a position with Exxon…if offered.

Why would I leave and why would I take a different job. Am I chasing money or running away from challenges? Does is allow me to pursue my ultimate goal or does is restrict my options?

If I stay with Williams…I have a shorter commute, better schedule, better benefits and more opportunity for movement within the company.

If I leave and go to Exxon, it will be my last job. I’ll need to stay here in Kemmerer, SW Wyoming area. Idaho is out of the question…the schedule is not ideal nor is the daily commute. I don’t know that dynamics of the workforce nor do I know the mobility locally or movement to another location.

There is a sourness when it comes to my compensation and those that started after me at Williams. I don’t know if I’m justified in my frustration of getting paid less for more quality of work. It is arrogant to think I work harder than a few of the operators and Williams, but I know that I do.

I don’t know what my compensation package will be? I don’t know what my benefits will be? 401K? Pension? Stock Options?

My #1 thing is to have a meaningful relationship? And I’m on the best path I’ve ever been and placing myself in a position to do that.

I hate to think that I will have to put conditions on a relationship that will work…Keep my “energy” job in Wyoming and commute back to my family wherever they may be. Is there a girl out there that would be okay with that? Splitting my time?

The Exxon schedule would be awesome for that scenario…7 on, 7 off? More pay…

Can I do shift work for the next 20 years? I’ll have to do that with Exxon, I will be on days if I stay with Williams…hopefully?