The ups & downs, frustrations, joys, sacrifices, and limitations I experience as a father is exhausting and trying. I get angry, depressed, resentful...
The weekend I decided to leave Arizona was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and it many ways, it continues to haunt me. The ultimate reason was that of the inner circle has to function healthy before the outer circle can grow. If I wasn't healthy, there was no way for me to be a healthy father, employee, friend, etc. For that single reason, it was important for me to get on better ground and find balance again.
(Not sure if I have found balance, but I am much healthier)
When I left, Lindsay had me sign a legal document giving her full decision making regarding Castle & Roman. Which I was fully agreeing too. My mistake was trusting that she was not sliding anything into that agreement that I didn't not agree too. The afternoon I was leaving she had me sign the document and I didn't not review it carefully...MY mistake. The agreement removed my ability to make decisions regarding education, medical, & religion, but she removed any ability to have visitation and had to be approved by her in advance. It also required me to have a psychological evaluation before that right could be applied. So...there was never going to be a situation where I could request to have the kids for a week during a specific holiday or summer months.
I would have never agreed to that, if I would have known that. Again my mistake for trusting her.
Since then, my hands have been tied and have to keep her happy or she will keep the kids away from me...or at least that is the overall feeling I have. But the past has proven that to be the case.
I could go on and on about the little things I try to do help her...nightly calls to go over homework, stay late at her house with the kids so she can have a date or night out, send her extra money for activities she never discusses with me, etc.
On top of that, there is no consistency and what is okay for her to do as a parent, does not mean that it's okay for me to do as a parent. There is double standard and it's BS!
The most frustrating issue is when I plan a trip to visit and she happens to schedule time out of town...completely voiding my ability to spend quality time with Castle & Roman. She could make the sacrifice to stay, but (in my mind) selfishly leaves. She has never made an attempt to compromise or try to make up for it, but shrugs it off as if it's my fault/loss for either 1) not communicating with her better or 2) making assumptions (this is my fault) (Again, this is how I feel...might not be the truth, but it's my reality)
Being a hostage to my own decision to leave Arizona is a burden I struggle with, but every time this happens, it makes it more difficult to give her extra money for the extra costs outside of my legal obligation. It also makes me less willing to make monthly trips to Arizona to see the kids until I have my own place to stay and thus having the kids with me 100% of the time while I am there.
It's not fair to Castle and Roman if I hold her hostage...I need to step outside of myself and make a firm decision on how to move forward. Until I feel like I am protected as a father, I really don't have another choice?
I need to sleep on this...but right now...I don't feel like I should spend any more money traveling to Arizona, send any extra money for swim, jujitsu, school clubs, etc. Stop splitting any non-medical emergency costs...until I am 100% debt free and have my finances in a place where I feel more in control. Then legally pursue actions where I can have visitation rights put back into place.
It might be logical to list values, priorities, weighted decisions/choices, goals, short/long term consequences, legal obligations/consequences, and effects on Castle & Roman? The most important element that has to be consistent...making sure my relationship with Castle & Roman improves everyday. That is the tricky part to navigate.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Distractions
It's been a long time since I have felt poised, balanced, on solid footing with my present and future.
I just erased 50+ lines I wrote about work, the current vibe, and some random thoughts. Probably shouldn't post anything...positive, negative, or neutral. For the most part I like the pay, benefits, schedule and most of the people I work with. Everything else feels...unstable and a bit unsure.
With Chuck's passing, only seeing my kids every 3-4 weeks, not really knocking big blocks off debt, and training for the Ironman...I feel like I'm somewhat reckless about where I want to be and staying focus on how to get there. Like I need to grow up.
A while back I wrote down a few things that I really want...
- A meaningful relationship with intimacy, honesty, humor & growth (even though it's #1, its not the most important)
- A powerful bond of trust, friendship, and integrity with Castle & Roman
- Be debt free with multiple streams of income
- More consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service
I have Arizona Ironman in November, St. George North American Championship Ironman in May and Sharkfest in San Francisco in June...I should have most of that out of my system. I really need to hunker down, save money, invest, pay off debt, etc....
Two ways...conservative...pay off debt as fast as I can. Or the high-risk...save, invest, pay off debt & still have assets that are bringing in money? I have about 10 months to figure it out. But in the meanwhile, do the minimum to pay off debt.
The more I think about things I realize how out of focus my life is. I came to Wyoming to find stability and the only thing I really have is income...and I'm not managing it well.
I probably travel too much to Arizona. I spend too much on concerts. The costs of racing and the prep of it is unnecessary. Visits to Utah end up being a few hundred dollars and then Amazon Prime...yea, need to curb it all.
Maybe in a year or two, when debt is paid off...I have a condo in Arizona & a car that I'm "Turo-ing" I can start to consider traveling, racing & concert hoping.
Wishing myself good luck/stubbornness
Saturday, September 14, 2019
another friend gone...
I don't know if loosing Shawn stopped me from making posts, but I just happened to open this up the day I found out another friend/co-worker took his own life.
Actually found out yesterday just before lunch and it took another hour or so for it to sink in.
I'm still confused and trying to decide if it's healthy for me to sort out my feels or just trying to ignore it entirely. I believe it's a social norm to try to get answers hoping that getting to the bottom of it will somehow justify their actions. By for the rest of the afternoon I saw how different people were reaction, how they were working through the loss, and trying to make sense of everything.
At the same time, I saw a friend post a story about Arizona providing more training to teachers and staff to assist with suicide prevention. I started to make my reply, but eventually deleted it. But I'll post it here. I don't think suicide prevention training at the school level will stop a slide once it starts in an area. Teachers and staff already have so much on their plate, then add issues around their personal life...personally I get the feeling that most of us go through the day, week, month, etc and try to have the path of least resistance. Of course, there are those few people that are dialed into other peoples issues. I'm not one of them.
Anyway...I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. Had to catch myself from breaking down. Anytime someone asked if I was okay, or how I was dealing with things, I would find myself starting to loose my emotions. Resurfaced old feeling and issues I still haven't address in myself.
I wanted to stay busy, but was cautioned by supervisors not to get into anything. I guess they have found out that when someone has experienced grief they tend to make mistakes and forget what they are doing. We were ordered to have a stand down the rest of the weekend. Not to take on any extra work and just keep things status quo.
Afterwork, I just could not stop thinking about Chuck's family. Specifically his high school aged daughter, Kim. They were pretty close and shared lots of memories with eachother. When either one of them post something on social media, about 1/2 the time it was about something they did together or for them.
I could not help by think about my relationship with Castle. It made it take much more heartbreaking.
There is so much more I want to 'dump' but the pearl I think I gained over the last 36 hours is that prevention has to start within your own heart with the help of those that are in the home. Learning and exercising habits of communication, kindness, forgiveness, and life-planning.
It's impossible to know all the thoughts of those that have gone down this path (not sure if they know all the reasons themselves) but when I have been down in the depth of depression the strongest emotion is not knowing if I can live with the current conditions. I have my moments where I struggle to want to move on. I'm thankful that I have always for a reason(s) to keep going.
Chuck, I will miss you and will find it hard to come to work knowing that you will never be there. I'm confused for you, I'm heartbroken for your family and hope that I can serve them if they ever need my help.
Actually found out yesterday just before lunch and it took another hour or so for it to sink in.
I'm still confused and trying to decide if it's healthy for me to sort out my feels or just trying to ignore it entirely. I believe it's a social norm to try to get answers hoping that getting to the bottom of it will somehow justify their actions. By for the rest of the afternoon I saw how different people were reaction, how they were working through the loss, and trying to make sense of everything.
At the same time, I saw a friend post a story about Arizona providing more training to teachers and staff to assist with suicide prevention. I started to make my reply, but eventually deleted it. But I'll post it here. I don't think suicide prevention training at the school level will stop a slide once it starts in an area. Teachers and staff already have so much on their plate, then add issues around their personal life...personally I get the feeling that most of us go through the day, week, month, etc and try to have the path of least resistance. Of course, there are those few people that are dialed into other peoples issues. I'm not one of them.
Anyway...I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. Had to catch myself from breaking down. Anytime someone asked if I was okay, or how I was dealing with things, I would find myself starting to loose my emotions. Resurfaced old feeling and issues I still haven't address in myself.
I wanted to stay busy, but was cautioned by supervisors not to get into anything. I guess they have found out that when someone has experienced grief they tend to make mistakes and forget what they are doing. We were ordered to have a stand down the rest of the weekend. Not to take on any extra work and just keep things status quo.
Afterwork, I just could not stop thinking about Chuck's family. Specifically his high school aged daughter, Kim. They were pretty close and shared lots of memories with eachother. When either one of them post something on social media, about 1/2 the time it was about something they did together or for them.
I could not help by think about my relationship with Castle. It made it take much more heartbreaking.
There is so much more I want to 'dump' but the pearl I think I gained over the last 36 hours is that prevention has to start within your own heart with the help of those that are in the home. Learning and exercising habits of communication, kindness, forgiveness, and life-planning.
It's impossible to know all the thoughts of those that have gone down this path (not sure if they know all the reasons themselves) but when I have been down in the depth of depression the strongest emotion is not knowing if I can live with the current conditions. I have my moments where I struggle to want to move on. I'm thankful that I have always for a reason(s) to keep going.
Chuck, I will miss you and will find it hard to come to work knowing that you will never be there. I'm confused for you, I'm heartbroken for your family and hope that I can serve them if they ever need my help.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Friend Gone
I found out this morning that a friend passed away today.
It wasn't spelled out, but the inclusion of the word "depression" in the Facebook post by his sister, he took his own life.
All day this has been on my mind.
Him, our interactions (our band/Merge, ski trips, riding horses, parties, dances, etc), depression, how people handle depression, how people deal with people with depression, suicide, Ricky...
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and process my feelings, logically responses, the emotions of friends that I have seen leave this world from suicide???
In the past, when someone I know make the decision to end their life...it get confused as I was when I was 15 years old as a freshmen when Ricky took his life.
Then thinking my own dealing with thoughts of suicide...
The few thoughts I have right now...
We workout...lift weights, exercise and eat healthy to meet Physical needs
We study, read books, learn new hobbies to meet our Mental needs
Or emotional needs are a little more complicated. We can fill that tank with some of the activities above...working out, books, hobbies...but where it really overflows is when it's done with other people. I've been seeing a lot of memes or Instagram posts lately that imbrace the solidarity of being alone...it's more than justifying it, but empowering it. It's not healthy to be alone and a man left to his own devices long enough will only do damage to himself.
It wasn't spelled out, but the inclusion of the word "depression" in the Facebook post by his sister, he took his own life.
All day this has been on my mind.
Him, our interactions (our band/Merge, ski trips, riding horses, parties, dances, etc), depression, how people handle depression, how people deal with people with depression, suicide, Ricky...
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and process my feelings, logically responses, the emotions of friends that I have seen leave this world from suicide???
In the past, when someone I know make the decision to end their life...it get confused as I was when I was 15 years old as a freshmen when Ricky took his life.
Then thinking my own dealing with thoughts of suicide...
The few thoughts I have right now...
We workout...lift weights, exercise and eat healthy to meet Physical needs
We study, read books, learn new hobbies to meet our Mental needs
Or emotional needs are a little more complicated. We can fill that tank with some of the activities above...working out, books, hobbies...but where it really overflows is when it's done with other people. I've been seeing a lot of memes or Instagram posts lately that imbrace the solidarity of being alone...it's more than justifying it, but empowering it. It's not healthy to be alone and a man left to his own devices long enough will only do damage to himself.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Gas Plant Operations and making an exit
I'm finishing up my last day on this turn around at work...the 6th day of my "6-Pack" and needing a lazy day filled with no real commitments.
I've been working with Williams Companies for 19 months or so and the only thing I really enjoy is the compensation...at least right now.
Until recently, I really enjoyed learning the process and trying to understand the flows, what vessels do what in order to get liquids or gas, what systems do this...what systems do that.
My attitude and recent desire to go back to Arizona as soon as possible is crippling my momentum to learn more, absorb as much as I can, and really grasp all things gas processing.
This environment is toxic for my personality and what I am use to. With a culture of "fun-loving harassment" and sticking 'it' to eachother...I find myself avoid it all together. It brings the worst out in me and I take everything personally and get defensive. Most people live me alone and I try to make it known I don't get involved.
That being said...I enjoy my job. Definitely don't love it. Tolerating my co-workers is what I usually do and I look forward to my paycheck.
Our plant basically receives natural gas from wells out in the field. We specifically clean the gas and separate it into liquids or NGL's and gas...Methane, Ethane, Propane, Butane and other -tanes... Customers get their gas and resell the NGL's for a profit. We remove water and other hydrocarbons, and make it as pure as possible.
Right now, I plan on working for another 3 years and I'm out of here. I want to move back when Castle is 12 and Roman is 8. I hate living in winter conditions and miss being around positive people that have momentum in their life. I rarely meet people in town that have positive acceleration in their life...most of them happy with the status quo of what they have...and for them it's great. I probably need something different.
My question I need to answer...what do I need to do...other than save $$$ and get out of debt...to be ready for 2022 Arizona???
I've been working with Williams Companies for 19 months or so and the only thing I really enjoy is the compensation...at least right now.
Until recently, I really enjoyed learning the process and trying to understand the flows, what vessels do what in order to get liquids or gas, what systems do this...what systems do that.
My attitude and recent desire to go back to Arizona as soon as possible is crippling my momentum to learn more, absorb as much as I can, and really grasp all things gas processing.
This environment is toxic for my personality and what I am use to. With a culture of "fun-loving harassment" and sticking 'it' to eachother...I find myself avoid it all together. It brings the worst out in me and I take everything personally and get defensive. Most people live me alone and I try to make it known I don't get involved.
That being said...I enjoy my job. Definitely don't love it. Tolerating my co-workers is what I usually do and I look forward to my paycheck.
Our plant basically receives natural gas from wells out in the field. We specifically clean the gas and separate it into liquids or NGL's and gas...Methane, Ethane, Propane, Butane and other -tanes... Customers get their gas and resell the NGL's for a profit. We remove water and other hydrocarbons, and make it as pure as possible.
Right now, I plan on working for another 3 years and I'm out of here. I want to move back when Castle is 12 and Roman is 8. I hate living in winter conditions and miss being around positive people that have momentum in their life. I rarely meet people in town that have positive acceleration in their life...most of them happy with the status quo of what they have...and for them it's great. I probably need something different.
My question I need to answer...what do I need to do...other than save $$$ and get out of debt...to be ready for 2022 Arizona???
Saturday, January 5, 2019
First "Real" Day in Kona
original post 10-8-2009
Have you ever felt like you've done all that you can to prepare yourself for something, all to find out later you are still going to fall short. Last few weeks I've felt strong, rested, healthy and confident that this race will be awesome.
Now that Lindsey and I have been here for about 24 hours, there is a feeling...and overwhelming feeling like I've finally bitten more off than I can chew. But heck, I'm going to enjoy the ride anyway.
I'm about to compete with some of the most dominate and well prepared triathletes in the world. Not only have the put in the time, but made sacrifices that I couldn't have even imaged.
***originally wrote December 2008***
Two months of being married, no body told me that…
· Breakfast is now sitting down, talking, and your time, rather than a toast bagel or a bowl of cereal walking out the door
· Grocery shopping is done together to plan out the weekly meals, rather than Hungry Howies on Monday and Papa Johns on Thursday…and left-overs in-between
· Date Night consists of planning on dinner at 7:00 unless she can’t find something to wear and it gets pushed back to, “I’m not leaving the house till I find something to wear.”
1/5/19 *** I decided to publish this comment...there's a lot I miss about being married, and some of the freedoms I enjoy from my marriage being over...but these things are what I look forward to in my next relationship...it's it does ever happen.
I doubt the my ex will ever read this...and I'm sure that I'll take the time to expound my thoughts on the subject more...but sitting down for meals, shopping and date night are what I really liked about our marriage. She was a great partner for this, and this is when I miss her/us the most.
Two months of being married, no body told me that…
· Breakfast is now sitting down, talking, and your time, rather than a toast bagel or a bowl of cereal walking out the door
· Grocery shopping is done together to plan out the weekly meals, rather than Hungry Howies on Monday and Papa Johns on Thursday…and left-overs in-between
· Date Night consists of planning on dinner at 7:00 unless she can’t find something to wear and it gets pushed back to, “I’m not leaving the house till I find something to wear.”
1/5/19 *** I decided to publish this comment...there's a lot I miss about being married, and some of the freedoms I enjoy from my marriage being over...but these things are what I look forward to in my next relationship...it's it does ever happen.
I doubt the my ex will ever read this...and I'm sure that I'll take the time to expound my thoughts on the subject more...but sitting down for meals, shopping and date night are what I really liked about our marriage. She was a great partner for this, and this is when I miss her/us the most.
Pre-Season Ironman Training
At the age of 43...or at least in 18 days I'll be 43...I'm training and going to participate in the 2019 Arizona Ironman.
For people that know me, probably not surprise but the more I do to get ready for my real training season, the more I am nervous about doing this.
The advantage about telling people about a huge goal that you're doing is, the accountability and constant reminder. Whether people want to see you fail, or they want to be proud of you, or maybe even talk to others about your accomplishment...the accountability is part of the motivating fuel to stay consistent and pushing yourself through each work out.
I won't get into a serious training schedule until 12 weeks out from my event, which will put me around July sometime, but for right now I've been doing a pretty good mixture of weight training, stretch lifting, spin bike, hiking, and running.
And of all things, I can't swim as often as I would like. Kemmerer's school pool had a rupture, leaving a cavity below the pool where a small leak eroded soil and left the district with a huge head ache. So what started as a 30-60 day project has turned into a 12 month nightmare. I'm complaining about my training while the entire community is suffering; high school and jr. high swim teams, USA/AAU swim teams, elementary school swim lessons, community members pool time and some peoples employment.
Of course, my world is the one that I see and feel...right now I try to swim anytime and can. If I have the right days off, I travel to Lyman or Evanston. If I have a few days off, and I'm in Utah or Arizona...I find a pool. It's not enough to get a solid rhythm with technique, but pool time is pool time and necessary to finish a 2.4 mile swim.
Overall, I'm satisfied with my preseason training, and have individual sessions I'm really happy about. I've lost positive weight, almost 3 inches to my waist, and sleeping much better. My calorie consumption has good and bad days. When it's good, I'm eat around 200 gm of carbs a day, trying to get my weight down to 185 lbs. (Lighter the better for a 140 mile race) I usually will have eggs for breakfast and sometimes it's with a piece of toast, water or maybe zero calorie drink. When I can do it I'll have a zero carb lunch with fried veggies and link sausage or meatballs. If I'm rushing around my default is a frozen burrito...and I would laugh if I heard someone who is doing what I am doing supplement that as a last resort lunch. I need to find better options and premake some meals and snacks.
So far in pre-season training I've been happy with a few runs, few swims and even a few spin bike sessions. I find that I have a certain type of workout for me to be satisfied. First, I have to complete the workout that I set for myself. If I'm going to set a goal to run for 60 mins and feel like stopping after 30 and switch to wt training to fill the extra time, I'm really disappointed in myself.
So the first pillar of my workout is to complete what I set out to do.
The second pillar is to either have a physical or mental workout...if I don't feel the burn or numbness of a physical work out I know that wall will be taller the next time I approach it. If I don't push through the mental wall of a workout, again...it will be tall the next time I approach it.
For example, today I went to the fire station to work out on the treadmill. When I jumped on I had no idea how long or how hard I wanted to go. My pride won't let me do anything less than 30 minutes so I knew that I was committed that far. BUT, this was the first time since I've started training that I honestly wanted to stop and just have a rest day and I was only .8 miles into my run...so maybe 6 1/2 minutes.
That was the first mental challenge I had to deal with and attacking these mental and physical challenges are really what an Ironman is all about. Perhaps and now that I'm typing it out...mentally is what it's all about.
When I got to about 25 minutes I decided to go for 10 miles, the pace felt good, my legs were stretching well and I had plenty of fluid in front of me. The next challenge I faced was around 40 minutes...approximately 5 miles into the run I was dealing with calorie issues...the only thing I had since waking up was a protein bar...that is more of a candy bar in a costume. I had the treadmill set at 7.5 miles per min and other than having a normal reaction to a power bar, I felt pretty good.
After my little "break" I jumped back on and felt good for another 25 mins and started to feel both the physical and mental demons telling me to stop. If I wasn't on a treadmill, I would have either slowed or stopped all together. But increased my fluids and pushed through it.
So much of Ironman training is pushing through these walls knowing that there is a cloud after the wall. Some people call it a zone, or a high...it's a place where you feel terrific and the pace is high enough that you feel power in your acceleration. It's not that you are sustaining your pace, but that you are increasing effort while feeling less pain or feel like you are using less energy.
I can honestly say I didn't find that place after my 65th min of this run, but I pushed through for 90+ minutes and finished 11 miles. I felt accomplished, challenged, and optimistic about fewer walls for my next 90 minute run
My goal is to have zero walls for 13 miles by mid April. I would like to run home from work starting in April/May and that's around 15 miles with a few monster hills.
We'll see what happens.
For people that know me, probably not surprise but the more I do to get ready for my real training season, the more I am nervous about doing this.
The advantage about telling people about a huge goal that you're doing is, the accountability and constant reminder. Whether people want to see you fail, or they want to be proud of you, or maybe even talk to others about your accomplishment...the accountability is part of the motivating fuel to stay consistent and pushing yourself through each work out.
I won't get into a serious training schedule until 12 weeks out from my event, which will put me around July sometime, but for right now I've been doing a pretty good mixture of weight training, stretch lifting, spin bike, hiking, and running.
And of all things, I can't swim as often as I would like. Kemmerer's school pool had a rupture, leaving a cavity below the pool where a small leak eroded soil and left the district with a huge head ache. So what started as a 30-60 day project has turned into a 12 month nightmare. I'm complaining about my training while the entire community is suffering; high school and jr. high swim teams, USA/AAU swim teams, elementary school swim lessons, community members pool time and some peoples employment.
Of course, my world is the one that I see and feel...right now I try to swim anytime and can. If I have the right days off, I travel to Lyman or Evanston. If I have a few days off, and I'm in Utah or Arizona...I find a pool. It's not enough to get a solid rhythm with technique, but pool time is pool time and necessary to finish a 2.4 mile swim.
Overall, I'm satisfied with my preseason training, and have individual sessions I'm really happy about. I've lost positive weight, almost 3 inches to my waist, and sleeping much better. My calorie consumption has good and bad days. When it's good, I'm eat around 200 gm of carbs a day, trying to get my weight down to 185 lbs. (Lighter the better for a 140 mile race) I usually will have eggs for breakfast and sometimes it's with a piece of toast, water or maybe zero calorie drink. When I can do it I'll have a zero carb lunch with fried veggies and link sausage or meatballs. If I'm rushing around my default is a frozen burrito...and I would laugh if I heard someone who is doing what I am doing supplement that as a last resort lunch. I need to find better options and premake some meals and snacks.
So far in pre-season training I've been happy with a few runs, few swims and even a few spin bike sessions. I find that I have a certain type of workout for me to be satisfied. First, I have to complete the workout that I set for myself. If I'm going to set a goal to run for 60 mins and feel like stopping after 30 and switch to wt training to fill the extra time, I'm really disappointed in myself.
So the first pillar of my workout is to complete what I set out to do.
The second pillar is to either have a physical or mental workout...if I don't feel the burn or numbness of a physical work out I know that wall will be taller the next time I approach it. If I don't push through the mental wall of a workout, again...it will be tall the next time I approach it.
For example, today I went to the fire station to work out on the treadmill. When I jumped on I had no idea how long or how hard I wanted to go. My pride won't let me do anything less than 30 minutes so I knew that I was committed that far. BUT, this was the first time since I've started training that I honestly wanted to stop and just have a rest day and I was only .8 miles into my run...so maybe 6 1/2 minutes.
That was the first mental challenge I had to deal with and attacking these mental and physical challenges are really what an Ironman is all about. Perhaps and now that I'm typing it out...mentally is what it's all about.
When I got to about 25 minutes I decided to go for 10 miles, the pace felt good, my legs were stretching well and I had plenty of fluid in front of me. The next challenge I faced was around 40 minutes...approximately 5 miles into the run I was dealing with calorie issues...the only thing I had since waking up was a protein bar...that is more of a candy bar in a costume. I had the treadmill set at 7.5 miles per min and other than having a normal reaction to a power bar, I felt pretty good.
After my little "break" I jumped back on and felt good for another 25 mins and started to feel both the physical and mental demons telling me to stop. If I wasn't on a treadmill, I would have either slowed or stopped all together. But increased my fluids and pushed through it.
So much of Ironman training is pushing through these walls knowing that there is a cloud after the wall. Some people call it a zone, or a high...it's a place where you feel terrific and the pace is high enough that you feel power in your acceleration. It's not that you are sustaining your pace, but that you are increasing effort while feeling less pain or feel like you are using less energy.
I can honestly say I didn't find that place after my 65th min of this run, but I pushed through for 90+ minutes and finished 11 miles. I felt accomplished, challenged, and optimistic about fewer walls for my next 90 minute run
My goal is to have zero walls for 13 miles by mid April. I would like to run home from work starting in April/May and that's around 15 miles with a few monster hills.
We'll see what happens.
Friday, January 4, 2019
Bishop Smishop
I struggle with this man.
He on one occasion told the group that I just spoke to, that the talks are..."a bit deep and boring."
He has also made not one, not two, but three separate comments about my attire in the same 30 minutes...it obviously made him either uncomfortable or he just didn't like it...so he made unnecessary and rather shallow comments to draw attention to me...Bishop Smishop, we are both in our 40's and don't have any kind of friendship...you don't get to tease or give me a rough time infront of my peers, players, friends or family. I disliked the comment and made no secret that I didn't care for his comment by my glare and stare.
Mingled between all these other episodes of "Bishop needs Control" he asked me to pray about a new Decons Quorum President...basically someone already in our small group to lead meeting and help the advisors. I actually gave this some pretty serious thought, prayed about it and decided that a calling to a certain boy would not only help his immediate development, but confidence in things spiritual. It would also bring blessings to him and his family...on 3 occasions he asked me to reconsider and on the final request I relented and said I would be comfortable with whomever he choose. So he decided to call his own son into that position...because it was his turn. Okay...whatever.
Today, he continue to push his own wants and need over a simple protocol of wearing a entrance bracelet for a basketball game...he made a silly tussle over putting it on and did so with gusto.
It's obvious to me that I have a whittling testimony regarding anything and all things regarding the people of the church. BUT...that is a different post.
Man, I hate going to church just b/c I don't want to have ANY kind of interaction with him.
He on one occasion told the group that I just spoke to, that the talks are..."a bit deep and boring."
He has also made not one, not two, but three separate comments about my attire in the same 30 minutes...it obviously made him either uncomfortable or he just didn't like it...so he made unnecessary and rather shallow comments to draw attention to me...Bishop Smishop, we are both in our 40's and don't have any kind of friendship...you don't get to tease or give me a rough time infront of my peers, players, friends or family. I disliked the comment and made no secret that I didn't care for his comment by my glare and stare.
Mingled between all these other episodes of "Bishop needs Control" he asked me to pray about a new Decons Quorum President...basically someone already in our small group to lead meeting and help the advisors. I actually gave this some pretty serious thought, prayed about it and decided that a calling to a certain boy would not only help his immediate development, but confidence in things spiritual. It would also bring blessings to him and his family...on 3 occasions he asked me to reconsider and on the final request I relented and said I would be comfortable with whomever he choose. So he decided to call his own son into that position...because it was his turn. Okay...whatever.
Today, he continue to push his own wants and need over a simple protocol of wearing a entrance bracelet for a basketball game...he made a silly tussle over putting it on and did so with gusto.
It's obvious to me that I have a whittling testimony regarding anything and all things regarding the people of the church. BUT...that is a different post.
Man, I hate going to church just b/c I don't want to have ANY kind of interaction with him.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Do people really live by clichés?
I know that they surface in my thoughts during conversations.
"Work smarter, not harder."
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"You can't judge a book by a cover."
"Ignorance is bliss"
"Better safe than sorry."
But the one that is currently on my mind is...
"Actions speak louder than words."
Every cliché has holes...every one of them can be argued and flattened. And the cliché that backs that up is..."Perception is everything"
Everyone hates politics but in order to move faster, further, and with less resistance in life you must be political in how you handle relationships, disagreements, teaching, learning, selling, asking, and backing off.
Today was a day that I felt the political pain of not being and being diplomatic in my progression at work.
I worked less, schemed more.
Questions I asked took me down a road of doing less of my job, but gaining more respect from my peers and supervisor.
The pain I feel is seeded in my upbringing that hard work is what matters...and it's not. It's important to be agreeable, teachable, and allow others to lead, teach and understand where you are at...
Being lazy is one thing and understanding physically exerting doesn't translate into production.
So your actions might be loud, but the long term implications might be stale, reductive, and diminishing. And the proper words might be fruitful, engaging, and productive. Find perspective in being diplomatic, learn how to communicate, and express yourself to gain the confidence in others.
That's what I hope meeting with a counselor will do for me.
I know that they surface in my thoughts during conversations.
"Work smarter, not harder."
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"You can't judge a book by a cover."
"Ignorance is bliss"
"Better safe than sorry."
But the one that is currently on my mind is...
"Actions speak louder than words."
Every cliché has holes...every one of them can be argued and flattened. And the cliché that backs that up is..."Perception is everything"
Everyone hates politics but in order to move faster, further, and with less resistance in life you must be political in how you handle relationships, disagreements, teaching, learning, selling, asking, and backing off.
Today was a day that I felt the political pain of not being and being diplomatic in my progression at work.
I worked less, schemed more.
Questions I asked took me down a road of doing less of my job, but gaining more respect from my peers and supervisor.
The pain I feel is seeded in my upbringing that hard work is what matters...and it's not. It's important to be agreeable, teachable, and allow others to lead, teach and understand where you are at...
Being lazy is one thing and understanding physically exerting doesn't translate into production.
So your actions might be loud, but the long term implications might be stale, reductive, and diminishing. And the proper words might be fruitful, engaging, and productive. Find perspective in being diplomatic, learn how to communicate, and express yourself to gain the confidence in others.
That's what I hope meeting with a counselor will do for me.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
I'm smirking at myself for yesterday's post...
Boy o' boy, I have issues. The good thing, one of my goals is to start visiting with a counselor on a regular basis. As I watch videos, listen to podcasts, and read books about self-improvement it's apparent to me that everyone who values self-improvement needs help in all areas of life. I need someone to help me understand my software, hardware and how/why they are wired they way they are. An example, I have a deep rooted issue with people raising their voices to me, telling me I'm doing something wrong, or showing disappointment in me...I take it so personally that I shut down have a difficult time resolving the real issue of actually trying to improve. It's so difficult to sit back and look or listen at the situation logically and understand the long term benefits of what needs to be done, but rather...I self destroy and become disconnected for a certain amount of time.
An example...
I had my year end review last week and the comment came up..."you are off track and we'll get you back on track."
Bullcrap!!!
I work hard, stay busy, do a better round that the majority of operators here, clean up the facilities more often, and overall stay upbeat about everything.
But at the heart, my supervisor was discussing my patients in learning and willingness to take direction. Which is true. Instead of applying his comment directly to the issue, I wanted to challenge his comment regarding the entire scope of my last year's performance. I still have some issues, but the more I talk it through, the more I understand.
My development and end goal is not to be better at rounds, clean up, or stay busy...but to know the process so I can teach, train, and help others in their responsibilities.
hell ya...I already feel better.
I do find that when I grasp a concept regarding the process, it's highly satisfying and rewarding.
Boy o' boy, I have issues. The good thing, one of my goals is to start visiting with a counselor on a regular basis. As I watch videos, listen to podcasts, and read books about self-improvement it's apparent to me that everyone who values self-improvement needs help in all areas of life. I need someone to help me understand my software, hardware and how/why they are wired they way they are. An example, I have a deep rooted issue with people raising their voices to me, telling me I'm doing something wrong, or showing disappointment in me...I take it so personally that I shut down have a difficult time resolving the real issue of actually trying to improve. It's so difficult to sit back and look or listen at the situation logically and understand the long term benefits of what needs to be done, but rather...I self destroy and become disconnected for a certain amount of time.
An example...
I had my year end review last week and the comment came up..."you are off track and we'll get you back on track."
Bullcrap!!!
I work hard, stay busy, do a better round that the majority of operators here, clean up the facilities more often, and overall stay upbeat about everything.
But at the heart, my supervisor was discussing my patients in learning and willingness to take direction. Which is true. Instead of applying his comment directly to the issue, I wanted to challenge his comment regarding the entire scope of my last year's performance. I still have some issues, but the more I talk it through, the more I understand.
My development and end goal is not to be better at rounds, clean up, or stay busy...but to know the process so I can teach, train, and help others in their responsibilities.
hell ya...I already feel better.
I do find that when I grasp a concept regarding the process, it's highly satisfying and rewarding.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Start blogging....Journally...thinking on Paper
I've been wanting to do this again...for a while at least.
Between reading every John Grisham book, and dozens of others...there has been an increased desire or maybe slight want to learn how to write with more flare. Not that I'm going to create a masterpiece novel or script the next franchise hit, but there is some therapeutic reasons for wanting to put my thoughts on paper.
My fear is that what is put down is truthful...to the point where I see myself as a truly am and really hate who I am. Or, dump everything that's on my mind that I have a clearer path to sanity. Or, someone will actually read this someday and slap me back to reality. It matters not, as long I feel better.
Being the first day of 2019, there's a lot on my mind. My addictions, my current work, my desire to move back to Arizona, my hatred for most of the people I work with, the love I have for my kids...at the same time not knowing how to be more patient, understanding, and preparing them for a balanced life. My parents and what should I do to have a positive relationship with them. Then there's my siblings, trying to remove my expectations I have for them, their spouses, their children...and just try to support rather than have indifference. My wanting to find comfort at the expense of my upbringing. (Social drinks, casual encounters, and other easy fulfillments) My frustration with the church I belong to and my honest desires to follow Christ. The hope that I can find some companionship, while getting way to comfortable with my individual freedom. I really believe there is a sickness that is a companion to loneliness. The more you are by yourself, the more you find that little things that people do are extremely annoying and it's much easier to avoid them altogether rather than having a conversation to find out more.
All these things are on my mind...and I hope to address each of them through out the year and find myself more this year. I have many goals and things I would like to accomplish, but none more than spending more them with my children, finding a truly satisfying relationship, and not being burden with finances. (Not to say I want to be rich, but that I don't want to struggle...find happiness in modesty.)
If you are reading this, I would really like to hear any of your thoughts on my posts.
Cheers.
Between reading every John Grisham book, and dozens of others...there has been an increased desire or maybe slight want to learn how to write with more flare. Not that I'm going to create a masterpiece novel or script the next franchise hit, but there is some therapeutic reasons for wanting to put my thoughts on paper.
My fear is that what is put down is truthful...to the point where I see myself as a truly am and really hate who I am. Or, dump everything that's on my mind that I have a clearer path to sanity. Or, someone will actually read this someday and slap me back to reality. It matters not, as long I feel better.
Being the first day of 2019, there's a lot on my mind. My addictions, my current work, my desire to move back to Arizona, my hatred for most of the people I work with, the love I have for my kids...at the same time not knowing how to be more patient, understanding, and preparing them for a balanced life. My parents and what should I do to have a positive relationship with them. Then there's my siblings, trying to remove my expectations I have for them, their spouses, their children...and just try to support rather than have indifference. My wanting to find comfort at the expense of my upbringing. (Social drinks, casual encounters, and other easy fulfillments) My frustration with the church I belong to and my honest desires to follow Christ. The hope that I can find some companionship, while getting way to comfortable with my individual freedom. I really believe there is a sickness that is a companion to loneliness. The more you are by yourself, the more you find that little things that people do are extremely annoying and it's much easier to avoid them altogether rather than having a conversation to find out more.
All these things are on my mind...and I hope to address each of them through out the year and find myself more this year. I have many goals and things I would like to accomplish, but none more than spending more them with my children, finding a truly satisfying relationship, and not being burden with finances. (Not to say I want to be rich, but that I don't want to struggle...find happiness in modesty.)
If you are reading this, I would really like to hear any of your thoughts on my posts.
Cheers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
