Reviewing this last week I want to think about things that happened; where the Lord made his presence known, a time where I have failed, and opportunity to grow and an overall feeling how the week went.
Where I failed...Tuesday, we were moving gas volumes from one processing plant to another plant & placing both of those plants into recovery mode. Which is to say, simple with experience, yet tricky if things are not lining up. To make a long and complicated story short, I spent too much focus on starting a system in both plants and ignored a medium level alarm on the refrigeration system. The first time I looked at the alarm, I mentally dismissed it as minor and “chattering.” As it continued, I got annoyed...looked at the screen with the alarm and didn’t notice anything concerning.
Without looking at the screens that affected that flow both upstream and downstream, I didn’t understand or realize there was much more going on. I exhausted the initial system and flooded everything downstream without knowing about it. My lack of understanding that system could have cost the company thousands and thousands of dollars.
At that moment, I wanted to walk out and never come back. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t know what I was doing. A few days later, I can acknowledge that it was a great learning experience and understand further how to troubleshoot issues. I failed, but have valuable experience.
The opportunity to grow continued at work. The more they leave me alone in the control room, the more I am forced to learn how to navigate the system. Where I can borrow pressure, temperature, and use it to create better gas, or more liquids. I realized how much I took for granted the time this last spring, I’ve only been focusing the last few weeks...and for that I should be reprimanded...or at least have a serious talk with.
I had a great experience in the temple this week...I really need to continue making this a weekly thing. The sacrifice of 5+ hours to drive and spend, has proven both valuable, productive and uplifting. Something that I heard for the first time, God took from man a rib, made he a woman...she to be a helpmate, but did not say for man to be a helpmate to her…??? Also, heard with a clear mind, and the spirit testified to me the promises and blessings during the session...I wish I could put more here so I can remember it and revisit it often, but that’s what will happen with more visits. I know I can be better, be more, have more faith...be more obedient...sacrifice for my faith...sacrifice for patience, sacrifice for humility...sacrifice for love. His hand has been there all week.
Good week and hopeful for the same this coming week. I’ll work 5 days, 12 hour shifts, hike Mt. Timp Friday night/Saturday morning, Star Valley temple Saturday afternoon...and sometime, move my bus? If that all happens...it will be almost perfect.
Saturday, August 21, 2021
Friday, August 20, 2021
Feelings are just information
I’m getting great feedback and dialog with Brett.
Hearing the comments along with processing how it aligns with my personality, what I’m trying to change, and hearing what I give back is great. Brett is making it simple, but within it, there is depth.
When he specifically talked about my overthinking he brought up boundaries. I just jumped into her life without holding back and it wore me down. In hindsight, I didn’t need to reduce the time I spent with her, but acknowledge, like Brett brought up...know that balance is not ever going to be equal. As I look at things, I was assuming that time would eventually resurface normalcy and regular schedules. I would refind myself while she ran with hers. But while going through it I reduced myself to a relationship, rather than an individual in the relationship. Admittingly, I can now say I wanted this to happen so much, I wanted to keep up with her and I couldn’t. I got worn down and lost myself...and I know she would have preferred that I just be the best version of myself.
Another point that Brett brought up that I really liked was teaching me that my feelings shouldn’t dictate what I do. And they have...I’m an emotional person and I react. He stated that feelings are not instructions on how to act or what to do, it gives us information. The goal moving forward is to identify the emotions as they come, act with purpose and be direct.
As I interact with anyone, if I’m wondering, feeling doubt, unsure...and I even with positive feelings...joy, excitement, etc...identify the feeling, use the information to form a line of communication. What I say will also give that person information, but that’s for them to decide how to use it. But be honest, be direct, be true.
He finished with, “...don’t be scared of feelings, but it’s just information to take action.”
I like his style so far.
Hearing the comments along with processing how it aligns with my personality, what I’m trying to change, and hearing what I give back is great. Brett is making it simple, but within it, there is depth.
When he specifically talked about my overthinking he brought up boundaries. I just jumped into her life without holding back and it wore me down. In hindsight, I didn’t need to reduce the time I spent with her, but acknowledge, like Brett brought up...know that balance is not ever going to be equal. As I look at things, I was assuming that time would eventually resurface normalcy and regular schedules. I would refind myself while she ran with hers. But while going through it I reduced myself to a relationship, rather than an individual in the relationship. Admittingly, I can now say I wanted this to happen so much, I wanted to keep up with her and I couldn’t. I got worn down and lost myself...and I know she would have preferred that I just be the best version of myself.
Another point that Brett brought up that I really liked was teaching me that my feelings shouldn’t dictate what I do. And they have...I’m an emotional person and I react. He stated that feelings are not instructions on how to act or what to do, it gives us information. The goal moving forward is to identify the emotions as they come, act with purpose and be direct.
As I interact with anyone, if I’m wondering, feeling doubt, unsure...and I even with positive feelings...joy, excitement, etc...identify the feeling, use the information to form a line of communication. What I say will also give that person information, but that’s for them to decide how to use it. But be honest, be direct, be true.
He finished with, “...don’t be scared of feelings, but it’s just information to take action.”
I like his style so far.
Thursday, August 12, 2021
Gratitute
Yesterday I wrote down my inner thoughts and frustrations with the intention of re-reading it and deleting it. The emotional dump was refreshing, and a weight was removed that seemed to make my mind work overtime.
I read a thought from a general authority, that to really know yourself, you need to write. Putting down words and finding the right way to describe my feelings has been therapeutic. Whether or not I’m being 100% honest with my entry is another conversation. And…that’s where yesterdays “ball of paper to the trash can” comes in useful.
The last two days I lashed out at a co-worker. ***Disclosure*** This particular dude is a wreck. He’s unpredictable and difficult to navigate around. Most days, I need to spend a portion of the morning massaging his needs and involve myself with his stuff.
I’m trying to turn and navigate a rather large corner in my life and it’s requiring me to make substantial changes… This whole process is exhausting and I’m not checking myself like I should. Well, I didn’t mind myself and my mouth jumped the gun, and I dumped my garbage right at his feet. Not a good moment in the life of BTC.
Last night I was on a casual bike ride and felt the need to remind myself of those things I’m grateful for. President Nelson asked us as a church to flood social media with gratitude…I need to remind myself how good I really have it. Sure, there are people that are in a better place, but I have no idea the sacrifices they have made to get there…. this time next year I hope to review my life and see a bliss life and clear path to a genuine and joyful world.
Not in any order…
Castle & Roman. I would like to go into detail how special they are. Their stark differences are wonderful blend that is selfishly perfect for me. Castle is kind, patient, content and thoughtful. A fond memory I have of her, as a toddler she would walk through each pew at church and shake everyone’s hand. When visiting city parks around town, she would go up to random kids and say, “Hi, my name is Castle, wanna play?” Her balance of playing by herself and enjoying other’s company is wonderful. Roman on the other hand…is a comedian and full of fire and passion. He is determined and when he’s focused, there’s not a wall he can’t climb over or go through. Of course, they both are learning about their limits and where they get frustrated, but that’s life and I love where they are going.
I have a great life and perspective, there’s no doubt that it come from my faith and belief in a higher power. Because of this, it keeps me between the lines. At least, more often than not. It’s not safe, nor fair to compare myself to others…BUT the complications of living within different moral guidelines have limited my pain, suffering and grief. This relationship also keeps me accountable to progression. There is a growth that I need and pushing myself in different ways. Just this last month, I’ve had the painful experience of growth. Something I should have gone through years ago, but within the eternal perspective…it doesn’t matter when it gets done, but rather the change taking place. The living gospel is something I highly value and am grateful for.
I am fortunate to have great health and desire to keep fit. I’m not sure where this comes from, but I can do all that I want, push myself to do things others only dream of, and the ability to plan and prepare for awesome adventures.
The job that I have is not for everyone, heck…it might not even be perfect for me. The income, the benefits, and the schedule are everything I need. I have the ability for overtime and promotions…and all of that allows me to pursue things that are important to me. I can visit my kids frequently, pursue my hobbies, and find new adventures…I’m lucky.
Friends…I was adding other titles…supervisors, mentors, coaches, leaders, etc to this list, but the reality, they are all friends…if not family. I would have not been able to find and re-find…AND re-find my way in this life without them. I hate to single anyone out, but specifically…Chad & Whitey have truly been heaven sent on so many levels. I cannot express enough how much they have helped me, supported me, and gotten me through some very difficult times. There have been others, but I know and pray for them often.
This might be something I regret being grateful for, but I love that I am self-aware and can recognize and acknowledge my strengths and more importantly, my weaknesses and shortcomings. They only reason I have been able to traverse through this wonderful and sometime awful life is knowing where I am and where I stand. I have a long way to go, but I’ve also came a long way.
There’s so much more to be grateful for and it’s often the little things that make these bigger things stick together. I do love my life…I’m not for everyone, but I’m grateful for those that are along for the journey.
I read a thought from a general authority, that to really know yourself, you need to write. Putting down words and finding the right way to describe my feelings has been therapeutic. Whether or not I’m being 100% honest with my entry is another conversation. And…that’s where yesterdays “ball of paper to the trash can” comes in useful.
The last two days I lashed out at a co-worker. ***Disclosure*** This particular dude is a wreck. He’s unpredictable and difficult to navigate around. Most days, I need to spend a portion of the morning massaging his needs and involve myself with his stuff.
I’m trying to turn and navigate a rather large corner in my life and it’s requiring me to make substantial changes… This whole process is exhausting and I’m not checking myself like I should. Well, I didn’t mind myself and my mouth jumped the gun, and I dumped my garbage right at his feet. Not a good moment in the life of BTC.
Last night I was on a casual bike ride and felt the need to remind myself of those things I’m grateful for. President Nelson asked us as a church to flood social media with gratitude…I need to remind myself how good I really have it. Sure, there are people that are in a better place, but I have no idea the sacrifices they have made to get there…. this time next year I hope to review my life and see a bliss life and clear path to a genuine and joyful world.
Not in any order…
Castle & Roman. I would like to go into detail how special they are. Their stark differences are wonderful blend that is selfishly perfect for me. Castle is kind, patient, content and thoughtful. A fond memory I have of her, as a toddler she would walk through each pew at church and shake everyone’s hand. When visiting city parks around town, she would go up to random kids and say, “Hi, my name is Castle, wanna play?” Her balance of playing by herself and enjoying other’s company is wonderful. Roman on the other hand…is a comedian and full of fire and passion. He is determined and when he’s focused, there’s not a wall he can’t climb over or go through. Of course, they both are learning about their limits and where they get frustrated, but that’s life and I love where they are going.
I have a great life and perspective, there’s no doubt that it come from my faith and belief in a higher power. Because of this, it keeps me between the lines. At least, more often than not. It’s not safe, nor fair to compare myself to others…BUT the complications of living within different moral guidelines have limited my pain, suffering and grief. This relationship also keeps me accountable to progression. There is a growth that I need and pushing myself in different ways. Just this last month, I’ve had the painful experience of growth. Something I should have gone through years ago, but within the eternal perspective…it doesn’t matter when it gets done, but rather the change taking place. The living gospel is something I highly value and am grateful for.
I am fortunate to have great health and desire to keep fit. I’m not sure where this comes from, but I can do all that I want, push myself to do things others only dream of, and the ability to plan and prepare for awesome adventures.
The job that I have is not for everyone, heck…it might not even be perfect for me. The income, the benefits, and the schedule are everything I need. I have the ability for overtime and promotions…and all of that allows me to pursue things that are important to me. I can visit my kids frequently, pursue my hobbies, and find new adventures…I’m lucky.
Friends…I was adding other titles…supervisors, mentors, coaches, leaders, etc to this list, but the reality, they are all friends…if not family. I would have not been able to find and re-find…AND re-find my way in this life without them. I hate to single anyone out, but specifically…Chad & Whitey have truly been heaven sent on so many levels. I cannot express enough how much they have helped me, supported me, and gotten me through some very difficult times. There have been others, but I know and pray for them often.
This might be something I regret being grateful for, but I love that I am self-aware and can recognize and acknowledge my strengths and more importantly, my weaknesses and shortcomings. They only reason I have been able to traverse through this wonderful and sometime awful life is knowing where I am and where I stand. I have a long way to go, but I’ve also came a long way.
There’s so much more to be grateful for and it’s often the little things that make these bigger things stick together. I do love my life…I’m not for everyone, but I’m grateful for those that are along for the journey.
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Giving up...not part of the plan
“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, house of fasting, house of faith, house of learning, house of glory, house of order, a house of God.”
I had a spiritual experience yesterday reading the Come Follow Me lesson, going through the scriptures in D&C and followed up with a prayer to know my position with Heavenly Father…
It’s obvious to me that I have not done this enough in my life and taking time to evaluate my position before God, my habits, my intentions, my path, and my faith. There’s always been a moral threshold that has kept me from abandoning my faith, even though I’ve drifted a few times. As I look at where I am currently am, where I’ve been and the possibilities of my future path, I must accept that I might give up…
Thinking about the different scenarios where I might give up…it would be for companionship and filling the void of being alone. I don’t think I would abandon my faith in God, Jesus Christ, and the gospel, but my activity in the church would go dormant to sustain my relationship with my companion…I hate to think I would make that sacrifice?
To safeguard from that happening, I need to stay organized and put my financial health at the front of my priorities. Followed by planning for chaos…creating additional streams of income??? Stay prayerful which will feed my hope. Fast regularly to curb my appetite and mental toughness. Strengthen my faith…regular temple and church attendance & participation. Daily study of scriptures and Come Follow Me to understand and develop purpose. Stay organized and plan for chaos.
I’m really trying to place everything in God’s hands right now…I have moments where I’m grounded and feeling good and other times where I feel desperate, alone, and empty. In those moments, I’m trying to find purpose…and it when I feel like give up the most.
I had a spiritual experience yesterday reading the Come Follow Me lesson, going through the scriptures in D&C and followed up with a prayer to know my position with Heavenly Father…
It’s obvious to me that I have not done this enough in my life and taking time to evaluate my position before God, my habits, my intentions, my path, and my faith. There’s always been a moral threshold that has kept me from abandoning my faith, even though I’ve drifted a few times. As I look at where I am currently am, where I’ve been and the possibilities of my future path, I must accept that I might give up…
Thinking about the different scenarios where I might give up…it would be for companionship and filling the void of being alone. I don’t think I would abandon my faith in God, Jesus Christ, and the gospel, but my activity in the church would go dormant to sustain my relationship with my companion…I hate to think I would make that sacrifice?
To safeguard from that happening, I need to stay organized and put my financial health at the front of my priorities. Followed by planning for chaos…creating additional streams of income??? Stay prayerful which will feed my hope. Fast regularly to curb my appetite and mental toughness. Strengthen my faith…regular temple and church attendance & participation. Daily study of scriptures and Come Follow Me to understand and develop purpose. Stay organized and plan for chaos.
I’m really trying to place everything in God’s hands right now…I have moments where I’m grounded and feeling good and other times where I feel desperate, alone, and empty. In those moments, I’m trying to find purpose…and it when I feel like give up the most.
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
Jimmy - worthwhile
Yesterday I received text yesterday from Jimmy…Dave King, with the attached picture reading, “How do you like me now!!!”
Of course, I replied, “I freaking love this!!! I wish I
would have known!!!”
And as I review my life, I realized that I have this blessing and I really need to appreciate it more. Although Lindsey and I are no longer together, we are sealed to our beautiful kids for time and eternity…being worthy of this blessing is worth every effort to stay on the path of righteousness.
At the same time, always looking towards the horizon and seeking companionship…
It goes back to the principle of accountability that I was studying earlier this year. To really get the most out of your progression, it helps to have outside influences to keep us accountable. From my notes I have this list (who we should be most accountable to)
1. Heavenly Father – Faith
2. Spouse/companion
3. Children
4. Parents/Family
5. Employer/employees/co-workers
6. Neighborhood/community/country
7. Health/wellness/mind/body/soul
8. Coach/teacher/therapist/mentor
9. Environment/nature/life
We have been taught that there is a triangle between the relationship between ourselves, our spouse, and our Heavenly Father. The ideal plan is, the closer you move toward Heavenly Father, the close you move to your spouse. The closer you move toward your spouse, the close you get to Heavenly Father.
I appreciated Jimmy sharing this with me, I’m excited for him. He finished with…
“I have never felt so small and insignificant yet 10 foot tall and on top of the world at the same time.”
Looking forward to having those feelings again…soon.
Wednesday, August 4, 2021
Holy Places
Last few days, the thought of…” Standing in Holy Places” has been going in and out of my mind.
I work in a facility that is full of crudeness, rudeness, and foul sense of humor. Even though, individually, all the guys I work with are good and decent people. When the mob gets worked up, its combustible and a lot of junk gets thrown out.
I have a family, specifically myself, that has struggled with conflict resolution, temperance, and meekness, as well as being open to other’s ideas, thoughts, opinions, and paths. There is a stubborn streak in me and it’s a lack of trying to understand where that person stands.
If I am the one standing in a Holy place, I hope that I will see that person as our Father sees them…someone struggling in life, trying to the best they can when what they know. I don’t know their environment, or the circumstances, or the demons that have a grip on them. BUT I can understand the feeling of wanting to be better, the pursuit of a better life, the want to be happy…
So, I’m reevaluating how, what, and if I can do anything to put myself in a Holy place.
Here are my locations I find myself in, HOME, WORK, GYM, NATURE, CHURCH, TEMPLE, HOMES of FRIENDS, FIRE STATION, STORES, VENUES, PARKS, etc. Those are the ones that came to mind…
If I really want to stand in Holy places, there is only so much I can do to affect the physical location, but where my mind and heart are will have a great impact on my attitude, perception, and understanding of being Holy.
I can give a blessing on those places I reside, but what really matters in filling my mind, my thoughts and consuming my life with the pursuit of God, salvation, kindness, and service. Praying for those opportunities and more importantly, acting when I am prompted. The more I can tune my heart, eyes, ears, and being towards those worthy things in life, the more I will stand in Holy place.
It’s not going to hurt, to make the goal to get to the temple once a week. It will be more difficult having the Star Valley temple 90 min away compared to 15-20 mins for the Mesa or Gilbert Temple.
A thought from President Erying, write down something…where I felt like the hand of the Lord was part of my day. The other day, Ryan Davis, a missionary friend reached out to me asking about life…I appreciate that now even more than when he did…he’s always been in tune and really needed it when he did. I want to be that kind of friend.
I work in a facility that is full of crudeness, rudeness, and foul sense of humor. Even though, individually, all the guys I work with are good and decent people. When the mob gets worked up, its combustible and a lot of junk gets thrown out.
I have a family, specifically myself, that has struggled with conflict resolution, temperance, and meekness, as well as being open to other’s ideas, thoughts, opinions, and paths. There is a stubborn streak in me and it’s a lack of trying to understand where that person stands.
If I am the one standing in a Holy place, I hope that I will see that person as our Father sees them…someone struggling in life, trying to the best they can when what they know. I don’t know their environment, or the circumstances, or the demons that have a grip on them. BUT I can understand the feeling of wanting to be better, the pursuit of a better life, the want to be happy…
So, I’m reevaluating how, what, and if I can do anything to put myself in a Holy place.
Here are my locations I find myself in, HOME, WORK, GYM, NATURE, CHURCH, TEMPLE, HOMES of FRIENDS, FIRE STATION, STORES, VENUES, PARKS, etc. Those are the ones that came to mind…
If I really want to stand in Holy places, there is only so much I can do to affect the physical location, but where my mind and heart are will have a great impact on my attitude, perception, and understanding of being Holy.
I can give a blessing on those places I reside, but what really matters in filling my mind, my thoughts and consuming my life with the pursuit of God, salvation, kindness, and service. Praying for those opportunities and more importantly, acting when I am prompted. The more I can tune my heart, eyes, ears, and being towards those worthy things in life, the more I will stand in Holy place.
It’s not going to hurt, to make the goal to get to the temple once a week. It will be more difficult having the Star Valley temple 90 min away compared to 15-20 mins for the Mesa or Gilbert Temple.
A thought from President Erying, write down something…where I felt like the hand of the Lord was part of my day. The other day, Ryan Davis, a missionary friend reached out to me asking about life…I appreciate that now even more than when he did…he’s always been in tune and really needed it when he did. I want to be that kind of friend.
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
I have been blessed with many admirable qualities…hard work, perseverance, determination, a healthy body, and a willing mind…but the demons that haunt me now...my level of patience, it's my achilleas heal.
It has been the torn in my side my whole life, and if I’m honest…it’s the reason for all my setbacks, short-comings, and pitfalls.
Whether it’s addiction, career path, relationships, or personal goals…I can trace back to the element of patience that has slowed, stalled, or choked my progression.
The quick path, easy road, having fulfillment now rather than flourishing later is not a quality that I’ve practiced. I’ve always wanted to consume the marshmallow now, rather than wait 15 minutes for the reward of a second.
I am being tested right now with the desire to be loved and give love…when I’m not ready to give or have either. I want my troubles to go away without the effort to dig myself out, knowing that I’ve had the time, resources, and ability to do so. Again, I want the easy path to feel good now.
This is going to challenge every part of my soul and I know that I will be better, wiser, and more appreciative, if…when I can climb out of this. (This is where I spiritually get to exercise my self-control…lots of prayer, lots of fasting)
I have let Jesika go with the hope that she will be there when I’m healthy.
It’s challenging to put her out of my head and heart, and this obsession is unhealthy.
Reassessing my goals right now:
1. Pay back child support ASAP. Right now, my main priority needs to be caring for Castle and Roman. This needs to be my new obsession. Having the ability to have rights and visitation w/ them is so important, to me…to them. If I ever do have a relationship with a girl, I want Castle & Roman to be there and along for the ride.
2. Eliminate Debt and never look back. I can’t dream with these kinds of anchors around my ankles. There’s no way to launch into prosperity if there are no resources. Sure, I can save money and slowly pay off debt, but where I am right now, I’m limiting the time to really make a financial impact on my future while I have earning power. I can take the next 5 years and save $200 and put towards investing and pay off debt? That would make me $12K and I “could” be out of debt? Or I can kill myself and get out of debt in 13-15 months, and put $400 a month towards investing…and be $19K+ at the same time? I have 12-15 years left to work. Scary.
3. Create a path/plan for creating wealth – LATER
4. Find/Develop a relationship with a girl that is meaningful; healthy physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. My GREATEST NEED and WANT.
5. Serve - EVERYWHERE
It has been the torn in my side my whole life, and if I’m honest…it’s the reason for all my setbacks, short-comings, and pitfalls.
Whether it’s addiction, career path, relationships, or personal goals…I can trace back to the element of patience that has slowed, stalled, or choked my progression.
The quick path, easy road, having fulfillment now rather than flourishing later is not a quality that I’ve practiced. I’ve always wanted to consume the marshmallow now, rather than wait 15 minutes for the reward of a second.
I am being tested right now with the desire to be loved and give love…when I’m not ready to give or have either. I want my troubles to go away without the effort to dig myself out, knowing that I’ve had the time, resources, and ability to do so. Again, I want the easy path to feel good now.
This is going to challenge every part of my soul and I know that I will be better, wiser, and more appreciative, if…when I can climb out of this. (This is where I spiritually get to exercise my self-control…lots of prayer, lots of fasting)
I have let Jesika go with the hope that she will be there when I’m healthy.
It’s challenging to put her out of my head and heart, and this obsession is unhealthy.
Reassessing my goals right now:
1. Pay back child support ASAP. Right now, my main priority needs to be caring for Castle and Roman. This needs to be my new obsession. Having the ability to have rights and visitation w/ them is so important, to me…to them. If I ever do have a relationship with a girl, I want Castle & Roman to be there and along for the ride.
2. Eliminate Debt and never look back. I can’t dream with these kinds of anchors around my ankles. There’s no way to launch into prosperity if there are no resources. Sure, I can save money and slowly pay off debt, but where I am right now, I’m limiting the time to really make a financial impact on my future while I have earning power. I can take the next 5 years and save $200 and put towards investing and pay off debt? That would make me $12K and I “could” be out of debt? Or I can kill myself and get out of debt in 13-15 months, and put $400 a month towards investing…and be $19K+ at the same time? I have 12-15 years left to work. Scary.
3. Create a path/plan for creating wealth – LATER
4. Find/Develop a relationship with a girl that is meaningful; healthy physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. My GREATEST NEED and WANT.
5. Serve - EVERYWHERE
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