There are always crossroads on the journey forward, some decision non-consequential...and I still don't know how much is really "non-consequential" b/c details matter.
Example, if you go to Circle-K every morning for your essentials and it costs you $4.50 and you do that every day for a year...you're into it $1170 after a year?
I spend $9.99 a month for apple music...so I spend $120 for music? I guess I have to justify streaming music or downloading 12 albums?
So those are financial decisions I work through all the time.
A few months ago I wrote down a few things that I deeply desire...(I think I lost the list???)
But I few things on that list...not in any particular order
1. I desire a valuable, meaningful, kind, fulfilling, mutual relationship. It's going to be difficult...maybe more challenging to find something that works. I like my job...even more so my schedule and income. It would have to be debt free with a mortgage free living situation for me to make a change. There really are no options here in Kemmerer...maybe one or two, but it would be a stretch.
2. I want to develop multiple streams of income to avoid any layoffs, economic downturns, and the ability to make decisions based on wants, joy, interest, and advancement rather than fear, needs, protection, etc. I have my wages, but really want to develop real estate &financial profits.
3. Continue to develop a healthy relationship with Castle & Roman. I've put myself in a position to be absent from their day-to-day activities. Even though I call as much as I can, it doesn't allow me to interact with them when their emotions are being worked. It's usually at night, when they are heading to bed, calm and worn out from the day. Even though I travel monthly to see them, I don't know if there is an impact on our relationship...I'm considering only trips that involve specific activities they are involved in. A school play, a special athlete game they are participating in, or things like that.
4. I seriously need to have better mental health. I have continuous anxiety over the status of relationships, employment, finances, spiritual status, and ability to be balanced and poised. It took me saving up $10K in cash to feel less anxious about finances. But to feel 100% comfortable, I would like/need to be debt free including a house/condo and trouble free vehicle.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Sunday, March 1, 2020
2020...time slippin away
Shat! How did March 2020 happen already.
2019 Arizona Ironman? Check
Injury 3 weeks before and wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I tore every muscle (in multiple places) in my right quad. I saw a doctor and ultimately had a soft tissue chiropractor look at it and do some wicked crazy releases to get me back on track.
Fortunately, I was able to race and finish under 12 Hours. I really should take the time to write down my experience with this in more detail...
Hernia surgery...Jan 27th, took me 2-3 weeks to feel somewhat normal. Surprised that I felt as much pain as I did. Finally back to work and this next week I'll go 100% on training for St. George Ironman. Only 9 weeks to train and if I would compare to where I was at the height of IMAZ training, I'm probably 45-50% ready.
I have some good workouts in, but no swimming and haven't really the endurance to get anything more than 90 min on any one leg of the race.
Starting to look at investing...
I still have some debt I really need to pay off, but at the same time I've saved $10K and would like to see what I can do to leverage that into more? The save, no risk, no reward method would be to just apply that to debt and move on.
I'm considering doing some day trading, but it's high risk, high reward. I could double that in a few weeks/months, but I could also loose it just as fast.
Castle & Roman are growing fast; physically, academically, emotionally, etc.
Castle is going full girl on me while Roman is a rollercoaster of a macho man.
Last month we hiked Camelback Mountain...so proud of them. They did get tired, but never complained. Few talks about turning around, but ultimately they choose to summit. I wish I would have taken pictures.
I have placed my faith at front of the classroom right now. Questioning my involvement in church. When I say it out loud, I tell myself to stay grounded, but when I look at short-term, long-term, and issues I have...it's not what I "want" to do as a single person. Totally different if I had a family...specifically a wife and kids in the house. I know it should not matter, but when there are moving parts in my life, I need to be fulfilled and there is almost zero fulfillment going to church that is so family centered as a single...aging...guy.
I like to visit my family, travel, train for my races, work, and other forms of relaxing entertainment.
So much to update...
2019 Arizona Ironman? Check
Injury 3 weeks before and wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I tore every muscle (in multiple places) in my right quad. I saw a doctor and ultimately had a soft tissue chiropractor look at it and do some wicked crazy releases to get me back on track.
Fortunately, I was able to race and finish under 12 Hours. I really should take the time to write down my experience with this in more detail...
Hernia surgery...Jan 27th, took me 2-3 weeks to feel somewhat normal. Surprised that I felt as much pain as I did. Finally back to work and this next week I'll go 100% on training for St. George Ironman. Only 9 weeks to train and if I would compare to where I was at the height of IMAZ training, I'm probably 45-50% ready.
I have some good workouts in, but no swimming and haven't really the endurance to get anything more than 90 min on any one leg of the race.
Starting to look at investing...
I still have some debt I really need to pay off, but at the same time I've saved $10K and would like to see what I can do to leverage that into more? The save, no risk, no reward method would be to just apply that to debt and move on.
I'm considering doing some day trading, but it's high risk, high reward. I could double that in a few weeks/months, but I could also loose it just as fast.
Castle & Roman are growing fast; physically, academically, emotionally, etc.
Castle is going full girl on me while Roman is a rollercoaster of a macho man.
Last month we hiked Camelback Mountain...so proud of them. They did get tired, but never complained. Few talks about turning around, but ultimately they choose to summit. I wish I would have taken pictures.
I have placed my faith at front of the classroom right now. Questioning my involvement in church. When I say it out loud, I tell myself to stay grounded, but when I look at short-term, long-term, and issues I have...it's not what I "want" to do as a single person. Totally different if I had a family...specifically a wife and kids in the house. I know it should not matter, but when there are moving parts in my life, I need to be fulfilled and there is almost zero fulfillment going to church that is so family centered as a single...aging...guy.
I like to visit my family, travel, train for my races, work, and other forms of relaxing entertainment.
So much to update...
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Hostage Dad
The ups & downs, frustrations, joys, sacrifices, and limitations I experience as a father is exhausting and trying. I get angry, depressed, resentful...
The weekend I decided to leave Arizona was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and it many ways, it continues to haunt me. The ultimate reason was that of the inner circle has to function healthy before the outer circle can grow. If I wasn't healthy, there was no way for me to be a healthy father, employee, friend, etc. For that single reason, it was important for me to get on better ground and find balance again.
(Not sure if I have found balance, but I am much healthier)
When I left, Lindsay had me sign a legal document giving her full decision making regarding Castle & Roman. Which I was fully agreeing too. My mistake was trusting that she was not sliding anything into that agreement that I didn't not agree too. The afternoon I was leaving she had me sign the document and I didn't not review it carefully...MY mistake. The agreement removed my ability to make decisions regarding education, medical, & religion, but she removed any ability to have visitation and had to be approved by her in advance. It also required me to have a psychological evaluation before that right could be applied. So...there was never going to be a situation where I could request to have the kids for a week during a specific holiday or summer months.
I would have never agreed to that, if I would have known that. Again my mistake for trusting her.
Since then, my hands have been tied and have to keep her happy or she will keep the kids away from me...or at least that is the overall feeling I have. But the past has proven that to be the case.
I could go on and on about the little things I try to do help her...nightly calls to go over homework, stay late at her house with the kids so she can have a date or night out, send her extra money for activities she never discusses with me, etc.
On top of that, there is no consistency and what is okay for her to do as a parent, does not mean that it's okay for me to do as a parent. There is double standard and it's BS!
The most frustrating issue is when I plan a trip to visit and she happens to schedule time out of town...completely voiding my ability to spend quality time with Castle & Roman. She could make the sacrifice to stay, but (in my mind) selfishly leaves. She has never made an attempt to compromise or try to make up for it, but shrugs it off as if it's my fault/loss for either 1) not communicating with her better or 2) making assumptions (this is my fault) (Again, this is how I feel...might not be the truth, but it's my reality)
Being a hostage to my own decision to leave Arizona is a burden I struggle with, but every time this happens, it makes it more difficult to give her extra money for the extra costs outside of my legal obligation. It also makes me less willing to make monthly trips to Arizona to see the kids until I have my own place to stay and thus having the kids with me 100% of the time while I am there.
It's not fair to Castle and Roman if I hold her hostage...I need to step outside of myself and make a firm decision on how to move forward. Until I feel like I am protected as a father, I really don't have another choice?
I need to sleep on this...but right now...I don't feel like I should spend any more money traveling to Arizona, send any extra money for swim, jujitsu, school clubs, etc. Stop splitting any non-medical emergency costs...until I am 100% debt free and have my finances in a place where I feel more in control. Then legally pursue actions where I can have visitation rights put back into place.
It might be logical to list values, priorities, weighted decisions/choices, goals, short/long term consequences, legal obligations/consequences, and effects on Castle & Roman? The most important element that has to be consistent...making sure my relationship with Castle & Roman improves everyday. That is the tricky part to navigate.
The weekend I decided to leave Arizona was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and it many ways, it continues to haunt me. The ultimate reason was that of the inner circle has to function healthy before the outer circle can grow. If I wasn't healthy, there was no way for me to be a healthy father, employee, friend, etc. For that single reason, it was important for me to get on better ground and find balance again.
(Not sure if I have found balance, but I am much healthier)
When I left, Lindsay had me sign a legal document giving her full decision making regarding Castle & Roman. Which I was fully agreeing too. My mistake was trusting that she was not sliding anything into that agreement that I didn't not agree too. The afternoon I was leaving she had me sign the document and I didn't not review it carefully...MY mistake. The agreement removed my ability to make decisions regarding education, medical, & religion, but she removed any ability to have visitation and had to be approved by her in advance. It also required me to have a psychological evaluation before that right could be applied. So...there was never going to be a situation where I could request to have the kids for a week during a specific holiday or summer months.
I would have never agreed to that, if I would have known that. Again my mistake for trusting her.
Since then, my hands have been tied and have to keep her happy or she will keep the kids away from me...or at least that is the overall feeling I have. But the past has proven that to be the case.
I could go on and on about the little things I try to do help her...nightly calls to go over homework, stay late at her house with the kids so she can have a date or night out, send her extra money for activities she never discusses with me, etc.
On top of that, there is no consistency and what is okay for her to do as a parent, does not mean that it's okay for me to do as a parent. There is double standard and it's BS!
The most frustrating issue is when I plan a trip to visit and she happens to schedule time out of town...completely voiding my ability to spend quality time with Castle & Roman. She could make the sacrifice to stay, but (in my mind) selfishly leaves. She has never made an attempt to compromise or try to make up for it, but shrugs it off as if it's my fault/loss for either 1) not communicating with her better or 2) making assumptions (this is my fault) (Again, this is how I feel...might not be the truth, but it's my reality)
Being a hostage to my own decision to leave Arizona is a burden I struggle with, but every time this happens, it makes it more difficult to give her extra money for the extra costs outside of my legal obligation. It also makes me less willing to make monthly trips to Arizona to see the kids until I have my own place to stay and thus having the kids with me 100% of the time while I am there.
It's not fair to Castle and Roman if I hold her hostage...I need to step outside of myself and make a firm decision on how to move forward. Until I feel like I am protected as a father, I really don't have another choice?
I need to sleep on this...but right now...I don't feel like I should spend any more money traveling to Arizona, send any extra money for swim, jujitsu, school clubs, etc. Stop splitting any non-medical emergency costs...until I am 100% debt free and have my finances in a place where I feel more in control. Then legally pursue actions where I can have visitation rights put back into place.
It might be logical to list values, priorities, weighted decisions/choices, goals, short/long term consequences, legal obligations/consequences, and effects on Castle & Roman? The most important element that has to be consistent...making sure my relationship with Castle & Roman improves everyday. That is the tricky part to navigate.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Distractions
It's been a long time since I have felt poised, balanced, on solid footing with my present and future.
I just erased 50+ lines I wrote about work, the current vibe, and some random thoughts. Probably shouldn't post anything...positive, negative, or neutral. For the most part I like the pay, benefits, schedule and most of the people I work with. Everything else feels...unstable and a bit unsure.
With Chuck's passing, only seeing my kids every 3-4 weeks, not really knocking big blocks off debt, and training for the Ironman...I feel like I'm somewhat reckless about where I want to be and staying focus on how to get there. Like I need to grow up.
A while back I wrote down a few things that I really want...
- A meaningful relationship with intimacy, honesty, humor & growth (even though it's #1, its not the most important)
- A powerful bond of trust, friendship, and integrity with Castle & Roman
- Be debt free with multiple streams of income
- More consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service
I have Arizona Ironman in November, St. George North American Championship Ironman in May and Sharkfest in San Francisco in June...I should have most of that out of my system. I really need to hunker down, save money, invest, pay off debt, etc....
Two ways...conservative...pay off debt as fast as I can. Or the high-risk...save, invest, pay off debt & still have assets that are bringing in money? I have about 10 months to figure it out. But in the meanwhile, do the minimum to pay off debt.
The more I think about things I realize how out of focus my life is. I came to Wyoming to find stability and the only thing I really have is income...and I'm not managing it well.
I probably travel too much to Arizona. I spend too much on concerts. The costs of racing and the prep of it is unnecessary. Visits to Utah end up being a few hundred dollars and then Amazon Prime...yea, need to curb it all.
Maybe in a year or two, when debt is paid off...I have a condo in Arizona & a car that I'm "Turo-ing" I can start to consider traveling, racing & concert hoping.
Wishing myself good luck/stubbornness
Saturday, September 14, 2019
another friend gone...
I don't know if loosing Shawn stopped me from making posts, but I just happened to open this up the day I found out another friend/co-worker took his own life.
Actually found out yesterday just before lunch and it took another hour or so for it to sink in.
I'm still confused and trying to decide if it's healthy for me to sort out my feels or just trying to ignore it entirely. I believe it's a social norm to try to get answers hoping that getting to the bottom of it will somehow justify their actions. By for the rest of the afternoon I saw how different people were reaction, how they were working through the loss, and trying to make sense of everything.
At the same time, I saw a friend post a story about Arizona providing more training to teachers and staff to assist with suicide prevention. I started to make my reply, but eventually deleted it. But I'll post it here. I don't think suicide prevention training at the school level will stop a slide once it starts in an area. Teachers and staff already have so much on their plate, then add issues around their personal life...personally I get the feeling that most of us go through the day, week, month, etc and try to have the path of least resistance. Of course, there are those few people that are dialed into other peoples issues. I'm not one of them.
Anyway...I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. Had to catch myself from breaking down. Anytime someone asked if I was okay, or how I was dealing with things, I would find myself starting to loose my emotions. Resurfaced old feeling and issues I still haven't address in myself.
I wanted to stay busy, but was cautioned by supervisors not to get into anything. I guess they have found out that when someone has experienced grief they tend to make mistakes and forget what they are doing. We were ordered to have a stand down the rest of the weekend. Not to take on any extra work and just keep things status quo.
Afterwork, I just could not stop thinking about Chuck's family. Specifically his high school aged daughter, Kim. They were pretty close and shared lots of memories with eachother. When either one of them post something on social media, about 1/2 the time it was about something they did together or for them.
I could not help by think about my relationship with Castle. It made it take much more heartbreaking.
There is so much more I want to 'dump' but the pearl I think I gained over the last 36 hours is that prevention has to start within your own heart with the help of those that are in the home. Learning and exercising habits of communication, kindness, forgiveness, and life-planning.
It's impossible to know all the thoughts of those that have gone down this path (not sure if they know all the reasons themselves) but when I have been down in the depth of depression the strongest emotion is not knowing if I can live with the current conditions. I have my moments where I struggle to want to move on. I'm thankful that I have always for a reason(s) to keep going.
Chuck, I will miss you and will find it hard to come to work knowing that you will never be there. I'm confused for you, I'm heartbroken for your family and hope that I can serve them if they ever need my help.
Actually found out yesterday just before lunch and it took another hour or so for it to sink in.
I'm still confused and trying to decide if it's healthy for me to sort out my feels or just trying to ignore it entirely. I believe it's a social norm to try to get answers hoping that getting to the bottom of it will somehow justify their actions. By for the rest of the afternoon I saw how different people were reaction, how they were working through the loss, and trying to make sense of everything.
At the same time, I saw a friend post a story about Arizona providing more training to teachers and staff to assist with suicide prevention. I started to make my reply, but eventually deleted it. But I'll post it here. I don't think suicide prevention training at the school level will stop a slide once it starts in an area. Teachers and staff already have so much on their plate, then add issues around their personal life...personally I get the feeling that most of us go through the day, week, month, etc and try to have the path of least resistance. Of course, there are those few people that are dialed into other peoples issues. I'm not one of them.
Anyway...I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. Had to catch myself from breaking down. Anytime someone asked if I was okay, or how I was dealing with things, I would find myself starting to loose my emotions. Resurfaced old feeling and issues I still haven't address in myself.
I wanted to stay busy, but was cautioned by supervisors not to get into anything. I guess they have found out that when someone has experienced grief they tend to make mistakes and forget what they are doing. We were ordered to have a stand down the rest of the weekend. Not to take on any extra work and just keep things status quo.
Afterwork, I just could not stop thinking about Chuck's family. Specifically his high school aged daughter, Kim. They were pretty close and shared lots of memories with eachother. When either one of them post something on social media, about 1/2 the time it was about something they did together or for them.
I could not help by think about my relationship with Castle. It made it take much more heartbreaking.
There is so much more I want to 'dump' but the pearl I think I gained over the last 36 hours is that prevention has to start within your own heart with the help of those that are in the home. Learning and exercising habits of communication, kindness, forgiveness, and life-planning.
It's impossible to know all the thoughts of those that have gone down this path (not sure if they know all the reasons themselves) but when I have been down in the depth of depression the strongest emotion is not knowing if I can live with the current conditions. I have my moments where I struggle to want to move on. I'm thankful that I have always for a reason(s) to keep going.
Chuck, I will miss you and will find it hard to come to work knowing that you will never be there. I'm confused for you, I'm heartbroken for your family and hope that I can serve them if they ever need my help.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Friend Gone
I found out this morning that a friend passed away today.
It wasn't spelled out, but the inclusion of the word "depression" in the Facebook post by his sister, he took his own life.
All day this has been on my mind.
Him, our interactions (our band/Merge, ski trips, riding horses, parties, dances, etc), depression, how people handle depression, how people deal with people with depression, suicide, Ricky...
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and process my feelings, logically responses, the emotions of friends that I have seen leave this world from suicide???
In the past, when someone I know make the decision to end their life...it get confused as I was when I was 15 years old as a freshmen when Ricky took his life.
Then thinking my own dealing with thoughts of suicide...
The few thoughts I have right now...
We workout...lift weights, exercise and eat healthy to meet Physical needs
We study, read books, learn new hobbies to meet our Mental needs
Or emotional needs are a little more complicated. We can fill that tank with some of the activities above...working out, books, hobbies...but where it really overflows is when it's done with other people. I've been seeing a lot of memes or Instagram posts lately that imbrace the solidarity of being alone...it's more than justifying it, but empowering it. It's not healthy to be alone and a man left to his own devices long enough will only do damage to himself.
It wasn't spelled out, but the inclusion of the word "depression" in the Facebook post by his sister, he took his own life.
All day this has been on my mind.
Him, our interactions (our band/Merge, ski trips, riding horses, parties, dances, etc), depression, how people handle depression, how people deal with people with depression, suicide, Ricky...
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and process my feelings, logically responses, the emotions of friends that I have seen leave this world from suicide???
In the past, when someone I know make the decision to end their life...it get confused as I was when I was 15 years old as a freshmen when Ricky took his life.
Then thinking my own dealing with thoughts of suicide...
The few thoughts I have right now...
We workout...lift weights, exercise and eat healthy to meet Physical needs
We study, read books, learn new hobbies to meet our Mental needs
Or emotional needs are a little more complicated. We can fill that tank with some of the activities above...working out, books, hobbies...but where it really overflows is when it's done with other people. I've been seeing a lot of memes or Instagram posts lately that imbrace the solidarity of being alone...it's more than justifying it, but empowering it. It's not healthy to be alone and a man left to his own devices long enough will only do damage to himself.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Gas Plant Operations and making an exit
I'm finishing up my last day on this turn around at work...the 6th day of my "6-Pack" and needing a lazy day filled with no real commitments.
I've been working with Williams Companies for 19 months or so and the only thing I really enjoy is the compensation...at least right now.
Until recently, I really enjoyed learning the process and trying to understand the flows, what vessels do what in order to get liquids or gas, what systems do this...what systems do that.
My attitude and recent desire to go back to Arizona as soon as possible is crippling my momentum to learn more, absorb as much as I can, and really grasp all things gas processing.
This environment is toxic for my personality and what I am use to. With a culture of "fun-loving harassment" and sticking 'it' to eachother...I find myself avoid it all together. It brings the worst out in me and I take everything personally and get defensive. Most people live me alone and I try to make it known I don't get involved.
That being said...I enjoy my job. Definitely don't love it. Tolerating my co-workers is what I usually do and I look forward to my paycheck.
Our plant basically receives natural gas from wells out in the field. We specifically clean the gas and separate it into liquids or NGL's and gas...Methane, Ethane, Propane, Butane and other -tanes... Customers get their gas and resell the NGL's for a profit. We remove water and other hydrocarbons, and make it as pure as possible.
Right now, I plan on working for another 3 years and I'm out of here. I want to move back when Castle is 12 and Roman is 8. I hate living in winter conditions and miss being around positive people that have momentum in their life. I rarely meet people in town that have positive acceleration in their life...most of them happy with the status quo of what they have...and for them it's great. I probably need something different.
My question I need to answer...what do I need to do...other than save $$$ and get out of debt...to be ready for 2022 Arizona???
I've been working with Williams Companies for 19 months or so and the only thing I really enjoy is the compensation...at least right now.
Until recently, I really enjoyed learning the process and trying to understand the flows, what vessels do what in order to get liquids or gas, what systems do this...what systems do that.
My attitude and recent desire to go back to Arizona as soon as possible is crippling my momentum to learn more, absorb as much as I can, and really grasp all things gas processing.
This environment is toxic for my personality and what I am use to. With a culture of "fun-loving harassment" and sticking 'it' to eachother...I find myself avoid it all together. It brings the worst out in me and I take everything personally and get defensive. Most people live me alone and I try to make it known I don't get involved.
That being said...I enjoy my job. Definitely don't love it. Tolerating my co-workers is what I usually do and I look forward to my paycheck.
Our plant basically receives natural gas from wells out in the field. We specifically clean the gas and separate it into liquids or NGL's and gas...Methane, Ethane, Propane, Butane and other -tanes... Customers get their gas and resell the NGL's for a profit. We remove water and other hydrocarbons, and make it as pure as possible.
Right now, I plan on working for another 3 years and I'm out of here. I want to move back when Castle is 12 and Roman is 8. I hate living in winter conditions and miss being around positive people that have momentum in their life. I rarely meet people in town that have positive acceleration in their life...most of them happy with the status quo of what they have...and for them it's great. I probably need something different.
My question I need to answer...what do I need to do...other than save $$$ and get out of debt...to be ready for 2022 Arizona???
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