This weekend I attended our Stake Young Men's camp.  In previous years, the boys always attended Scout camp and maybe some other type of YM's overnigher, but this was the first time that it was done on the stake level.

I was called to the Camp Director and boy did I have big ideas. With a committee of 10 people I thought we would be able to execute my vision and put on a memorable and impactful camp.  Again...boy...

It was a challenge right from the beginning.  Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that much of that rests on me.  Mostly, due to my pride to ask for help and ask those people that have done it before. I should have found out what worked, what didn't, what resources are available, and many, many other things.

By the time we got to the end of June, we cut back substantially on ideas and plans.  We decided to make it as vanilla as possible, and make sure 2 things happened.  They were feed physically, the meals were going to be dynamite and secondly, we wanted to make sure that they were feed spiritually.

Assuming that you will get excellent communication and feedback from people will always get you caught in a tight place.  I found it difficult to get anything back from the wards; numbers who will participate, assignments for tasks, volunteers for teaching...anything!  There always more going on that what I understand, but I would have hoped this was a priority...

Anyways, there's a lot of details I could talk about, but in the end, the camp was terrific.  Our overall theme of make sure the boys are aware of the turning points that will come in the near future and make preparations for those turning points.  Take charge of their lives and take the necessary steps to be ready and healthy for those opportunities that will lay ahead of them.

While I prepared, gave and reflected on my class, it became apparent that Jesika didn't really disclose everything, but enough for me to understand the concerns that make her say, it just doesn't work for her.

My discussion covered being physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually healthy.  I wanted to put into perspective those troubles and challenges that would come if they were not healthy in those areas.  But also, the blessings that would come if those areas are healthy and how much better their lives will be when good habits are set now.

Not that my points were conclusive, but more just quick points to focus on for these young boys.

PHYSICAL - Exercise, nutrition, and sleep

EMOTIONAL - Tell the truth, don't compare yourself to others, surround yourself with good

FINANCIAL - Plan/Prepare for good career/training/school/development, stay out of dept, pay your tithing

SPIRITUAL - Pay always, feast upon the scriptures, serve others always (Under Pray - Repent every day)

At some point that I later understood, you cannot be spiritually healthy unless those other things are taken care of.  

We can attend church, fulfill callings, pay tithing, and having monthly temple attendance, but if we are not managing our money, we are not honoring the power our Father in Heaven has blessed us with.

If we are not taking care of our bodies and minds, we are giving a channel for Satan to have greater influence over our lives.

I was...and to a great extend, been given a glimpse into all the element that finally weighed down Jesika.

We talked about our needs and wants.  I told her all I really needed was to be heard and to have affection.  She wanted to be adored, and a life full of fun & adventure.

On the surface, we were meeting those needs.  And we could have even tricked ourselves that those needs were being met and we were both being critical about our wants...maybe even stingy.

But as thought about it more this weekend and the spirit talked to me, but I understood to a greater capacity that neither one of our needs were really being met.  I don't know who was giving up more, but I realize that I was risking and investing a lot now, but she would be risking and investing much more later, without the confidence it would be worth it.

We both have excellent physical health and that was a huge factor in my attraction.  I loved that attraction towards that part was so strong.

Emotionally...I have a lot to work on and I have a feeling she needs does as well.  Telling the truth...all the truth is something I need to be better at, knowing that I have made mistakes and the right person will be accepting of those mistakes.  Her drive at running, is borderline unhealthy and have a feeling she is running away from dealing with something?  Very similar to how I avoid taking care of things financially.  I can't be sure, but it feels like avoiding the elephant in the room is something we both need to do.  That burden is an underlining anchor to my addiction issues.  Relapsing is part of addiction, but having that go dormant for longer periods of time have everything to do with emotional health.  Doing the necessary things to be prepared for challenges rather than reaction or bracing myself when chaos happens.  I don't know if she is avoiding something and replacing it will all the long runs she goes on?  It's filling a void.  Honestly, I am not confident that void is anything wrong? There could be worse ways to hind from pain.

That leads me to financial health, I have to take care of back child support, debt and then start developing a plan to be where I should be as a 45 year old.  I have little when it comes to assets and financial promise.  She is right where she wants to be, maybe a little more stability with retirement/healthcare stuff, but she's solid.  She deserves and expects that have the same in her life.  She doesn't want to take care of someone else's issues.  Even though she said early that she would, it's not her responsibility.  I know she wants someone to enjoy life with, but she does not want to take care of someone.  She doesn't need a boyfriend or husband, but...

Jesika can look at me and say, he's nice looking, kind to my kids, has the energy to keep up, funny at times, BUT the burden of..."I don't know if Bryan can take care of himself?  Yea, he can pay his bills, but he's had a great job for 4 years with minimal responsibilities...he should be debt free by now.  He should have a nicer outlook financially.  I took care of my last husbands crap and I was okay with it, but now I want us to be yoked physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually...he's just not there."

I have experienced chaos in the last 4 weeks.  Depression, sadness, and for the first time in my life...real panic attacks.  It's not a good feeling and the feeling that everything is caving in on you...it's scary and dark.  It's a combination of physical pain of throwing up, shakes, dizziness, and then the panic of running away at any cost.  I have been humbled and as it says in Alma...I have a better view and..."and have a bright recollection of all our (my) guilt."

My hope, right now is that Jesika extends mercy to me in 6 months, 1 year, 18 months from now, because the possibilities that can happen from us being together is incredible.  I don't get any indication that will happen, but I would like to keep that hope alive.  If anything, the Lord will bless me with something that will be even better.

But what really has to happen between now and then?

• I have to be financially healthy!
• Back child support caught up
• Out of Debt
• 6 months of savings put away
• and investment and financial play for future being executed 
• Emotionally healthy 
• Honesty everywhere, stop protecting your legacy and start building the right legacy
• Do those things that make me happy and be kind everywhere - Serve as much as possible
• Don't do anything to impress ANYONE, but my Heavenly Father and myself
• Physical health
• maintain healthy lifestyle - exercise, nutrition, and sleep.  No extreme measures 
• Spiritual health
• Pray always, daily studying, church attendance, and hopefully weekly/biweekly temple attendance

As much as I love Jesika I don't think she is self aware and there have been a few times where I have said something and it really hurt her.  It was not kind and manipulative for me to even think it, let alone say it out loud.  

I once told her, "I'm living in your world right now."

That was mean, unkind, insensitive and just the wrong way to get point across. But there is truth to it.  She likes things to be done her way, and for the most part is very accepting of listening and open to other ideas, but is kinda locked in to her path of what is comfortable.  If I'm honest, her path is pretty awesome.

The second time was when I suggested that she was resenting me.  In hindsight, I really can't say there was real resentment, but most likely a combination of exhaustion and doing what was necessary to remove herself from me.  She had be removing herself from me for weeks while I was fighting for us, my commitment level was high and rather desperate.  She was past the threshold of effort and had made up her mind.  I felt resentment, b/c I didn't feel kindness.  I felt a distant and removal of emotion that did not seem natural for someone that was expressing different feeling just weeks ago.  Without any time of work on her end?  At least that was my perception.  How could we go from talking about marriage and what would need to happen for we did get married?  

That's why it's been difficult for me?  She said so much, I felt so much and then all the assumptions took over.  I stopped working on myself and just waited for time to allow things to fall into place.  I never did talk to her about a legitimate plan about my financial woes.  I never talked to her about a plan to address my addictions and coarse of action when I felt like I was about to relapse?  I needed to talk to her about hidden truths I never disclosed?  I was doing just enough to be safe then and not fight when I realized what I had.

Although I always thought she listened and heard me, my concern is she is too much into protecting herself and her kids to invest in anyone right now.  Her best friend told me once that, "Jesika just doesn't get me."

I really didn't know how to take that?  If that was her best friend, how could she say that?  If Cammie felt that way...what does that say about Jesika?   I don't think I felt that way ever, but it's a concern that possibly I would eventually feel that way?  

She moves forward and through life fast.  She put life on hold for a guy and now she knows what she wants.  She wants someone that fits in without disturbing her pace and right now I would slow her down for a few years.  Heck, she's even taking care of her Ex-husbands stuff and it's exhausting for her. Last thing she wants is to pause and take care of few things "hoping" it works out.

A friend of my once told me, if you don't think it's over, then keep working at it.  The last thing I want to do is hope and not work.  So that's what I got to do.  Earn the right to ask for a second chance and truly fight for Jesika.  Whether I think she is worth it or not, it's totally worth it to do those things that are worth fighting for.  

Happy Birthday JRN