Gratitute

Yesterday I wrote down my inner thoughts and frustrations with the intention of re-reading it and deleting it. The emotional dump was refreshing, and a weight was removed that seemed to make my mind work overtime.

I read a thought from a general authority, that to really know yourself, you need to write. Putting down words and finding the right way to describe my feelings has been therapeutic. Whether or not I’m being 100% honest with my entry is another conversation. And…that’s where yesterdays “ball of paper to the trash can” comes in useful.

The last two days I lashed out at a co-worker. ***Disclosure*** This particular dude is a wreck. He’s unpredictable and difficult to navigate around. Most days, I need to spend a portion of the morning massaging his needs and involve myself with his stuff.

I’m trying to turn and navigate a rather large corner in my life and it’s requiring me to make substantial changes… This whole process is exhausting and I’m not checking myself like I should. Well, I didn’t mind myself and my mouth jumped the gun, and I dumped my garbage right at his feet. Not a good moment in the life of BTC.

Last night I was on a casual bike ride and felt the need to remind myself of those things I’m grateful for. President Nelson asked us as a church to flood social media with gratitude…I need to remind myself how good I really have it. Sure, there are people that are in a better place, but I have no idea the sacrifices they have made to get there…. this time next year I hope to review my life and see a bliss life and clear path to a genuine and joyful world.

Not in any order…

Castle & Roman. I would like to go into detail how special they are. Their stark differences are wonderful blend that is selfishly perfect for me. Castle is kind, patient, content and thoughtful. A fond memory I have of her, as a toddler she would walk through each pew at church and shake everyone’s hand. When visiting city parks around town, she would go up to random kids and say, “Hi, my name is Castle, wanna play?” Her balance of playing by herself and enjoying other’s company is wonderful. Roman on the other hand…is a comedian and full of fire and passion. He is determined and when he’s focused, there’s not a wall he can’t climb over or go through. Of course, they both are learning about their limits and where they get frustrated, but that’s life and I love where they are going.

I have a great life and perspective, there’s no doubt that it come from my faith and belief in a higher power. Because of this, it keeps me between the lines. At least, more often than not. It’s not safe, nor fair to compare myself to others…BUT the complications of living within different moral guidelines have limited my pain, suffering and grief. This relationship also keeps me accountable to progression. There is a growth that I need and pushing myself in different ways. Just this last month, I’ve had the painful experience of growth. Something I should have gone through years ago, but within the eternal perspective…it doesn’t matter when it gets done, but rather the change taking place. The living gospel is something I highly value and am grateful for.

I am fortunate to have great health and desire to keep fit. I’m not sure where this comes from, but I can do all that I want, push myself to do things others only dream of, and the ability to plan and prepare for awesome adventures.

The job that I have is not for everyone, heck…it might not even be perfect for me. The income, the benefits, and the schedule are everything I need. I have the ability for overtime and promotions…and all of that allows me to pursue things that are important to me. I can visit my kids frequently, pursue my hobbies, and find new adventures…I’m lucky.

Friends…I was adding other titles…supervisors, mentors, coaches, leaders, etc to this list, but the reality, they are all friends…if not family. I would have not been able to find and re-find…AND re-find my way in this life without them. I hate to single anyone out, but specifically…Chad & Whitey have truly been heaven sent on so many levels. I cannot express enough how much they have helped me, supported me, and gotten me through some very difficult times. There have been others, but I know and pray for them often.

This might be something I regret being grateful for, but I love that I am self-aware and can recognize and acknowledge my strengths and more importantly, my weaknesses and shortcomings. They only reason I have been able to traverse through this wonderful and sometime awful life is knowing where I am and where I stand. I have a long way to go, but I’ve also came a long way.

There’s so much more to be grateful for and it’s often the little things that make these bigger things stick together. I do love my life…I’m not for everyone, but I’m grateful for those that are along for the journey.