Shawshank...hope

Red: "What are you talking about?"

Andy: "Hope."

Red: "Hope...Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It's got no use on the inside. Better get use to the idea.

Andy: "Like Brooks did?"

The movie continues on to the end after the "Redemption." 

Andy writes a letter to Red...

Andy: [in a letter] "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.  I will be hoping that this letter finds you, a finds you well."

I HOPE that for all the things I've done wrong as a father, I'm also doing enough to tell me kids that I love and want the best for them.

I HOPE for all my short-comings, mistakes, and sins, that my constant desire to be faithful, never giving up, and always wanting to return to my father will be considered.

I HOPE that me acknowledging my temper, my criticism, passive-aggressive nature will help me over come those negative characteristics.

I HOPE with all the financial mistakes and damage that I've put myself into, I can somehow recover and do what I need to do have a future and possible retirement.

I HOPE I can be the person I've always wanted to be, kind, motivated, fun, faithful, and overall healthy.

The movie ends with...

Red:

    "I hope I can make it across the border...I hope to see my friend and shake his hand...I hope the Pacific ocean is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."

plan for what I know, not what I hope for

I didn’t get the relocation job in Meridian, and it doesn’t look like I’ll get the maintenance position here at the Opal plant. Avoiding the discouragement of not getting a position that you mentally plan for, is difficult.

With the Meridian job, it was going straight days, working with Whitey on the side, increasing my options for social outlets, and going to a warmer place.

With the maintenance coordinator position, it was going straight days, better income to hours ratio, and not feeling suffocated as an operator.

I am grateful for what I do have but know that I will function better on days. Right now, there are 3 possible options in my near future.

1. Stay at Opal as an operator – kill it and improve my attitude

2. Move to Green River and take a field job – less pay, straight days, slightly improved social life

3. Hope that my number is called by Exxon – same job, more pay

For the last two weeks I’ve been straight days, doing project and picking up shifts. I feel like I’m doing everything to show I’m committed. I need to restrain myself and let the work take care of itself. That’s not the best way to describe the action, but I take too much upon myself and need to be better and delegating and finding others to help.

I’m also considering buying a house in Kemmerer, it was never something I wanted to do, but I must face the facts…I’m here. I doubt I’ll be able to find another opportunity that gives me the security and benefits that I have. I would love to get back to Arizona, but I would either need to consume a lot of risk or need an incredible about of resources to make that leap. Not deciding, but I must make decisions that would give me more options.

Being in the right…place is everything. And I’m always questioning that instead of having confidence.

Restore order with Imagination

This afternoon I was watching “Saving Mr. Banks,” a story about Walt Disney trying to make the movie “Mary Poppins,” which happens to be one of my favorite movies, but I heard a line that really made me think deeply about life.

“…because that’s what we storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again, and again.”

Walt Disney was trying to explain that what he often gets tired of remembering how things were (are). Laying to rest the regretful sadness of our past and finding ways to reimagine things in a better light.

As always, I look at this from a few different perspectives…

As a parent…possibly as a spouse, friend, family member…We do this all the time, or at least the healthy, optimistic side of us will. Heck, even as an individual, there is always a way to find hope where there might not be. Being grateful when most things are looking grim. That’s what the movie “Life is Beautiful” is all about. A father protecting his son while being in a Nazi concentration camp and pretending it’s a game.

The other way I’m looking at this is a flaw I should probably correct. How often do I look at life with or a particular situation with the hope that it’s going to be scripted like pathetic Hollywood movie? When life is quiet, and I’m trying to see the picture or look for the next step…my heart hopes that fate and a miracle is about to step in with a soundtrack of deliverance. But I don’t recall a time where the sea has parted, or love has concurred.

The last point of view is trying to be preventive…guarding or shielding the ugly side of life. I have friends and family that do this. It’s hard to argue that allowing innocence to prevail. But that community or society around my kids must be even more important. To think my kids will gain their understanding from inside the walls of my home or their mother’s home is reckless. So…to what degree do you/we/I allow my kids to live in innocence?

I don’t have answers, suggestions, or additional insight about the line from “Saving Mr. Banks,” but that one part...” restore order with imagination” is something that’s on my mind.

Faith & Pride

There is a puzzle that all of us are trying to put together and finding out how important our piece is to the bigger picture is…ego…perspective…pride…humility…

There are two contradictory behaviors that push me to believe that I can turn the tables on my position in life.

My faith on one side and my ego other the other.

Wanting…pursuing a life of blessings is what I’ve been taught. Follow the teachings of the Savior, understanding the purpose of life and obeying those laws that honor eternal progression. As there is commitment and loyalty to that life, it’s assumed that godsends are around every corner.

Then there is ego…wanting to outwork or force my focus to overcome obstacles is the other side of the coin. It doesn’t take too much humility to understand that I don’t have talent and aptitude to grasp money and how to leverage it. There’s no doubt that fear and staying safe with decisions is how I’ve operated.

I didn’t realize it till I started thinking about it…those same traits can hold me back too…

If I don’t feel worthy or my confidence is lacking and the slide…continues or at best…nothing changes.

Honestly, if I could step outside of myself and give myself some sound advice it would be…

1. At this point in your life…playing it safe will get you nowhere! But find out where you want to be in 5 years and make most of your decisions that put you closer to that.

2. There are principles that open and close things, decisions that are based on love and fear, and handling life will either be optimistic or critical…be on the side of light, growth, and gratitude.

3. Channel those qualities bring out the best in you and others…mainly be positive

My feeling that fortune is in my future and it’s a collective impression that it’s both faith and pride. I’ve gone from feeling pretty grateful to knowing that I have a good and am grateful.

Honor is power

I studied the principle of honor a while back and felt impressed to work towards honoring my commitments and promises.

Some of them are small...

    ...if you get a PR, I'll get you... 

or 

    the many times where I've told someone..."I'll take care of that."

Some are big...

    ...school loans, credit cards, tithing, church attendance, etc.

There is power that comes from confidence and that confidence is protected with personal honor.  Honor of keep commitments.  Honor in keeping your word.  Honor in keep promises.  Integrity...honesty...

...And something I just thought of that I didn't initially plan on writing about...asking for forgiveness, repenting, and making things right.  This is going to be a long road.

Headline of the New Year

It’s more complicated than that?

That’s the headline. There are facts and then there are theories…there are also hopes, but also fears.

The facts are things that I know…things that I have control or influence over.

The theories are ideas of why? How?

The hopes are all mine.

The fears are also all mine.

As I ground my emotions and feelings, I acknowledge that I must work through that information and only move towards my goals.

1. Have a meaningful relationship.

2. Bond with my kids

3. Debt free, strong income

4. Consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service.

As much as I want that meaningful relationship to included intimacy, I don’t have control over that part, but do have the ability to grow other relationships…and be open to options and don’t be surprised where it might come from.

I’m so happy where I am sitting with my kids. It’s healthy, it’s loyal, it’s optimistic, it’s open and it’s growing in a positive way.

I’m ahead of schedule with my debt…credit score up 50 points, and in less than 3 weeks I’ll have only one account left to resolve.

I’m going on straight days next week and it will give me an excellent schedule to work with. I’m hoping that I can get a weekly routine towards better mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Just off the top of my head….

· Regular scripture study

· 8 hours of sleep

· Homework with Castle & Roman

· Nutrition

· Minimum of 45 mins of exercise

· Weekly adventure

· Weekly service to help someone

· Attend social events, church, school events, concerts, festivals, etc.

The idea of minimizing my hope is cynical. Living without fear is needed and allowing facts to drive my path forward is necessary. The biggest challenge is not allowing myself to think about all the whys and hows that still work my mind.

Good Luck.

Christmas a week away

I just spent a few minutes reading my last few posts.

AND, mauling over my emotions about fixing this iPad for Teag/Jesika. She didn’t want or need anything other than it fixed so leave it at that. It gives me the chance to help and serve anyone…especially during Christmas time.

I did not get the job at Exxon, but David did tell me I’m 6-7 people out of the current hiring group. Meaning, if they hire in the next 12 months, I could possibly get an offer…which I would take. Unless I get to interview and offered the coordinator position. It would be straight days, no weekends, and no physical labor.

I’m ahead of schedule to fix my financial issues and have a pretty good path for buying something in Kemmerer…it will be hard to find something that works…newer, garage, 3/2 mix. Right now, my options are wait for something or buy/build Jimmy’s land?

Also, this last week…I realized I love being out in public, talking to people, visiting with them…I find that my humor is more present, and I feel more like myself. Also, I need to work out…running is excellent…probably my preference but anytime of exercise is good.

I do like my job but get frustrated at other people’s lack of understanding…of how to make everything else run easier for everyone. I can’t control people’s actions, so the best thing is just appreciate that I do get it and doing what I can do to help them.

My Christmas plans have been foiled! I was going to leave on Wednesday for Tempe and drive back whenever…but my car has exhaust issue that will make it undrivable. There are emissions requirements and the more I drive it without addressing the issues, it will eventually limit my speed to 4 miles per hour. The part I need is literally unavailable. There are 4 dealerships in the country that have this part in stock, because of demand, they are not willing to part with it. It’s been over a week, so I’m limited to flying down Christmas eve and coming back 3 days later. I’ll be back down two week later, and we’ll finish our celebrating.

I’m lucky to be a dad to Castle and Roman