stopping my mind from racing...

It's disappointing, my mind races and overthinks when I go running or for a bike ride.  I haven't tried lifting or going that direction, but I'll try tomorrow.

Working on my bus, watching movies, playing phone games, swiping on dating apps are the only things that really keep my mind from going nuts...

I hate that I'm being physically lazy, but I feel my head and mind need more attention that my cardio or waistline. Those areas can bounce back.

In the last 48 hours I've put a serious amount of time and thought into finding a way to move back to Tempe.  The options are not good right now...either have a $85K year job or very low cost of living...buy I house for cash...going with the second option, it would take me 4-5 years make that happen?  Passively working towards that might be something to consider?

Considering where I am at, my resources, my over health, my projections...I have to plan on staying at the Opal plant long term?

If that's the case...work hard, pick up all the OT I can, take any and all promotions I can get.  Stay healthy, watch my spending...

All the time keeping my eye open for opportunities...

Stay with Williams...work days...relocate...make it work. Idaho? Colorado? Texas? None of these are options without staying with Williams.

Look for opportunities to get back to Arizona?  Not sure how that will happen?  The path that is the most clear...move back with the ability to buy a house for cash & enough savings that any job will work?

How?  Work here and save...save...save...invest...invest...invest.  Sacrifice everything now to make it happen sooner???

I can do that in Opal/Kemmerer pretty easy?  Even if I have to buy a simple place here?

I'd really like to get to Boise area...I can continue to work with Williams, but do some side work with Whitey.  The upside is all in Idaho right now?  Work, side work, personal opportunity, better weather, hobbies, activities, etc. 

Feeling better about having my eyes and ears open for opportunities that present itself.

Whitey, Lynzee, & Chad

I would hope that everyone has a brother, sister and friend like them...

Luckily...thankfully, I was able to talk to each of them today and what was incredible...they each called me.  Then to finish the night...facetime with Castle & Roman.  

I really don't know how I would have gotten through the last several years without each of them. Castle & Roman are my "why" but right now there's not a dialog or exchange that makes me think or challenge the status quo.

With Whitey there's not a lot of pushing, but all support, kindness, and being optimistic.

Lynzee does help me to understand myself better and poses enough questions to place my perspective in different directions.

Chad really is an incredible human being...against the odds...he pushed through more resistance in his life and came out on top.  He really has been a great friend and I would hope that everyone has someone, that is not blood related, that is like Christopher Chad Sullivan.  He is heaven sent and one of the greatest blessing in my life.

Finally...the letter to myself...this was hard

Bryan…

Stop overthinking this…everything.

In a world where mediocre and surviving is the normal, you are anything but that.

You have concentrated on elements of your life that are red flags to a perfect person, but those flags are things you are addressing with focus, energy, and a dedicated plan. There are not many people that have or are willing to do what you are doing. Most people will just push them aside and even hide from them.

You have $50K that is outstanding, but you have only been working at it for 6 weeks and $10K has been resolved. Your plan is working.

You know your short comings and working with a counselor to work on them.

That’s what you are allowing to limit your value…that’s it. Focus on everything else you have worked at throughout your life…

· You are an honorable father and ex-husband; you do everything to be helpful

· You are a college graduate with a career that provides opportunity

· You are a volunteer firefighter

· You volunteer regularly in the community and school system

· You practice your faith and strive to be better

· Your work ethic and integrity are often unmatched in your circles

· You have completed in 5 Ironman races and will continue to do them

· You always ask others what you can do to help them…you love to serve when many can’t or won’t

· You have been forgiven...remember that

· You have learned the value of resolving conflict, square up to it and have a balanced conversation with it, you have found that it’s usually not as big as a deal as it once was…

Keep your head up and know you are worth the trouble, worth being patient, worth waiting around for, and worth any sacrifice…stop comparing yourself to who you were 3 months ago, he was full of hope…they guy you have been for the past 30 days is so much more. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

Moving forward…there is nothing but positive upside for you…for yourself, for your family, for your friends, for anyone in your future.

Remember you can get through anything…you always have.

Letters....

So the first letter assignment was to no uncertain people in my life...to basically clear the air and heal the relationship.

The only people would be Lindsey and Jesika, but I was having a hard time getting started. Not sure why...after thought it's because both of those relationships...at least in my mind are still evolving. Lindsey for sure...she'll really never be out of the picture. We will always be parents and eventually grandparents together. Life can't do anything to change that path.

Jesika is more of a choice and logically, it's a stupid choice.

There is no indication of us getting back together and on a short sidewalk...nothing has been said or extended to think we'll even spend time together.

My heart has hope b/c of things said, but my head also says give up b/c of things said...obviously from her.

Hope - from everything that was said before she took a leave of absence; the I love yous, the I want to adult with you, the I want you around as much as possible... Then the middle break up; we can still date, we should spend time together and see how things shape up... Then the, I'm checked out comment with a, I'll never close the door. The logical side...she's made up her mind that I'm a combination of broken and financially not an option and it would take a higher power and a large endowment/retirement to redirect affection in my way.

Head - Financial health is too important to her and weighs too much to override other positives. Concerns towards addiction and depression b/c obvious between Hawaii and the end of August...my neediness pushed her over the edge...rightfully so. I hated how I acted. And the over looming cloud of passive aggressiveness really put her into...just not a good fit.

There's always a but...

If there ever was a chance to talk...after healthy balance came back...knowing what I know now, learn and understand who I am turning into...and even everything we were...there is conflicting feeling between her truth that she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean and not having some type of serious conversation about trying to work it out...any type of ultimatum..."Bryan...this **** needs to change...let's take a break or step back until we can decide if this is a "live with or end" kind of behavior. If we were just dating...then I wouldn't need that. But we had a serious talks and had every intention of getting married.

THAT BEING SAID...

I have let go...weeks now of any hope...all that exists is a boys wish.

So Brett has asked me to change the letter....a letter to myself that I'm enough...that I'm worth all the trouble and a plea to myself that gives me the evidence and confidence to be more than enough...

I'm so conflicted b/c I don't know where I lost that with Jesika...honestly if I did have it was a façade. I needed to address the financial issue. Also, I needed to address the passive aggressiveness...and stop complaining being critical of others.

I'm heart broken to know that I wish I could have met Jesika 8 months from now, when these 3 things will be minimal, if not eliminated from my life.

The really hope is that it will be gone for the next relationship...no matter what.

And I know that I'll be worth it...

pops...

 I'm not ready for this...

Stage 5 kidney failure.

Time really is the most valuable currency...

Assignment and 1st Video Session...I like where I'm heading

Letter assignment…

I had my first video session with Brett, I like him, and he seems like a guy I would get along with. His tempo and thoughtfulness in the process I’m going through has been good for me. There has been a good balance of him validating me and challenging me. So naturally, the trust I have in him is refreshing.

I wish I would have taken some notes b/c there was one time in the conversation that it was deep water stuff, but I felt safe and comfortable opening up and accepting what was being discussed. BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!?!?!?! Haha…

We talked about my break throughs with JR and my mom…oh…this is it…

With JR it was me having a need to get more from him but in a better form. For a couple of years ever time I go to JR to ask for help, direction, or an explanation, he buries me with too much information, and I’m left overwhelmed, frustrated, and missing the boat on what I needed in the first place. So, I approached him with me need(s)…very directly.

“JR, give me the 1 min explanation or remedy and if that doesn’t answer it, then I can ask follow up questions about upstream or downstream…???”

I continued to let him know about my frustration but optimism in working with him in the future on stuff…but moving forward…this is what I needed. Afterwards, there was a burden lifted about holding any grudge with him.

Around the same time, I asked my mom about how I was growing up. Answering with a quick “I always thought you were an angry little boy…”

That was hurtful but I immediately recognized it was reality for the both of us. My follow up, “Was I like that when we lived in Green River…???”

With a questioning shake of her head…” No, not really.”

I remember the feeling of leaving Green River…I was so angry, selfishly I felt like I had it perfect in Green River and there was nothing in Kemmerer that was going to make me forget my friends, the awesome house we lived in, the neighborhood, the adventures, and everything I was loving about my life in Sweetwater County.

And I finally told her…” I was so mad at you and dad for moving away from Green River.”

I stay in the house for the better part of the summer and refused to find any enjoyment. It only took that amount of time to really hurt my emotions…that really have burdened me for 30+ years.

The moment I told her that, there was a healing in my soul that I had no idea that would come from it. I was holding so much internal resentment towards my parents for something they felt was the best for everyone. I haven’t had any bitterness towards my parents since that conversation.

I enjoy JR now and it’s allowed me to be more positive and optimistic with others at work.

I’m now looking at other people that I could potentially have a conversation with that will unburden me…

But that’s what Brett said that was so deep…he said that it starts with a need that needed filled or resolved. Asking a direct question that could help me move forward or in a healthier direction.

The only two people that I feel like I want to do the same with is Lindsey and Jesika.

I’m not tethered emotionally to Lindsey, but I still complain about her and critical of her, so I feel like I need to do something.

Jesika, I’m deeply emotionally bonded too and it’s due to my own efforts. We invested 5-6 months into each other, but I reasoned and settled down with every intention of marrying her and that has made it difficult to let go. She has given me answers that I have spelled out in earlier entries, but still can’t server my connection with her. It gets easier and easier each day, but with every buzz of my phone I hope it is her reaching out. Brett has asked me what I would need to do with untether myself from her…the cold reality…I don’t want too, but logically it’s the path that is present.

recognition...and hope.

Today Brett asked me about my passive aggressive behavior and the areas I tend to act up...or areas I want to focus on.

I have thought about this in a general sense but never put a hard line connecting the two and analyzing the baseline element that ignites everything. The more I uncovered the layers, the more I realized it deals with my perceived efforts, my expectations, and getting recognized for it.

For the last 4 days I have been working, kind of isolated and on an island by myself. Honestly, it's what I prefer and it allows me freedom to work fast, flexible, and work on projects. The negative side of that, that freedom gives me leniency to slack off in areas I should be focusing on...studying flows, cause and effects, walking down P&IDs, understanding the process better…

I’m spinning my wheels for the sake of gaining personal facade satisfaction of accomplishment. I’m doing unnecessary things to be busy and seem like I’m doing my job, but I don’t know what I'm doing. I’m not where I should be. I’m not the operator I should...could be. I’m great at taking direction and completing tasks assigned to me, but I should be able to troubleshoot and fix upsets in our plant without too much help or direction.

I look at my physical qualities, perceived presence, and general trajectory...and think I have a pretty handle on life, but I have a false sense of security, confidence and availability. I am and have been stuck between feeling like I’m a dateable guy and someone every girl should avoid.

What these two areas have something in common and possibly other areas too…

My efforts might be in the wrong areas and focused somewhere else is what’s really needed. My expectations are my own and should not be for others. Heck...I don’t understand where other people are putting their focus so why would I judge them if I don’t understand them? The last part of this is getting recognition for something I know shouldn’t get anything other than a casual nod.

The reality...I want to be praised for a job that I don’t understand because I'm too busy doing what I want and not what is necessary?

When it comes to relationships...I’m starting to understand that there are some similarities. Yea...I say a lot of the right things, I do a lot of the right things, I make sacrifices and concessions for the relationship. But do I...or am I...mmm...doing anything that is really the right thing for the relationship without reward or recognition...remove any expectation other than the love and companionship we both want. AND, know my efforts are honest and accepted.

Brett made a comment earlier....balance is not necessarily equal.

My lack of confidence and other issues...I passively sit back and wait, then make a comment to create a reaction. I have to learn how to rewire myself.

Right now, I’m not a catch. Nothing can change that reality, the silver lining...I haven’t felt better about myself for 23 years. I hope to thank those that have help me along the way.

Idaho? option? or hope?

Between prayer, journaling, and dialog with Brett…I’m understanding myself a little better each day.  I sent him another message today that I feel like I’m handling things better…I have more balance, but I really haven’t been tested as much as I would like…to get experience and get better.

MMM…well two weeks ago I let me patience and frustration surface towards someone, and it came out.  Instead of asking a simple question to get a simple answer, I said that I “took” care of it when I hadn’t.

These are the situations I might struggle to acknowledge in the moment…

I’m a finding myself in a pickle….

Before Jesika…I have a few goals and things I wanted to focus on…those same things are some of the reasons why she bailed…Now those goals are more important than ever.  Not only for her, but for me…for anyone in my future.

My greatest desire to have a meaningful relationship that I can put my all into…have someone that I can love, support, and grow with…someone that will challenge me, and we do it together.  Jesika was that and so much more…that’s my perception.

But also, I had a plan to leave Kemmerer at some point…just to have a better environment, access to life, opportunities for person growth…and now…finding that meaningful relationship.

Ideally, I don’t want to leave until my debt is gone.  Secondly, I want to put hope into Jesika.  Third, there is a level of known vs. unknown.

I recently put in for a transfer to Meridian, Idaho…and its day job with no shiftwork, no weekends…at least Sundays and I find that I rather enjoy being at church.

I face myself with a question that I kind of already know…what happens if I get the job offer?  Leave without telling Jesika?  Before I accept the position, share with her the news, and see how she reacts?

My first impression, she will be happy and say that I should take it if I think its good and not hold off in the hope of “US.”  She is not sentimental nor bound to anything or anyone.  Her feelings are numb towards me at this time and would need multiple…positive experiences of friendship, bonding, and new character revealed by myself…that would take time.

But I love her enough to keep that hope…I’m NUTS!

The Natural...

One of my favorite movies...specifically baseball movies and I've heard this line dozens of times...

I'm probably more sensitive to certain movies or parts of movies that are related to things I'm going through. I've watched "For the Love of the Game" twice in the last week...Right now I'm drawn to this movie for two people that ebb and flow through life...

Kelly Preston is a single mother and Costner a major league pitcher at the height of his career when they meet...She tests the boundaries of their compatibility and is wishful in the future of them. He, however, lives in the moment of convenience and always yields to his career...specifically his legacy as a hall of famer pitcher.

The movie time jumps between the life of their relationship and his last game...one that he is flirting with a perfect game...no hits, no one on base. Costner is so consumed by revisiting his relationship with Preston and how hours before she broke things off permanently by taking a job in another country.

His distraction...focus on the break up, the highs and lows with his love...put him in a place where his doesn’t press...and somehow find himself in the zone...the place where the highest performance exists....

In no way do I think it's relative...but I relate that someone else has told me what I want, what I need...But also, that I have yielded to my own preferences...my decisions...my past rather than love what I had.

That’s also to say that I have not gained a great amount of experience about my functions...shortcomings...behaviors...and health.

Anyway, to finish up with the line that was so thought provoking from the movie, The Natural.

At the end of the movie, Robert Redford is talking with Glenn Close about his past, he says that some mistakes I guess we never stop paying for…

Iris: “You know, I believe we have two lives.”

Roy: “How...what do you mean?”

Iris: “The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.”

Someday I hope to find my Iris...