I have thought about this in a general sense but never put a hard line connecting the two and analyzing the baseline element that ignites everything. The more I uncovered the layers, the more I realized it deals with my perceived efforts, my expectations, and getting recognized for it.
For the last 4 days I have been working, kind of isolated and on an island by myself. Honestly, it's what I prefer and it allows me freedom to work fast, flexible, and work on projects. The negative side of that, that freedom gives me leniency to slack off in areas I should be focusing on...studying flows, cause and effects, walking down P&IDs, understanding the process better…
I’m spinning my wheels for the sake of gaining personal facade satisfaction of accomplishment. I’m doing unnecessary things to be busy and seem like I’m doing my job, but I don’t know what I'm doing. I’m not where I should be. I’m not the operator I should...could be. I’m great at taking direction and completing tasks assigned to me, but I should be able to troubleshoot and fix upsets in our plant without too much help or direction.
I look at my physical qualities, perceived presence, and general trajectory...and think I have a pretty handle on life, but I have a false sense of security, confidence and availability. I am and have been stuck between feeling like I’m a dateable guy and someone every girl should avoid.
What these two areas have something in common and possibly other areas too…
My efforts might be in the wrong areas and focused somewhere else is what’s really needed. My expectations are my own and should not be for others. Heck...I don’t understand where other people are putting their focus so why would I judge them if I don’t understand them? The last part of this is getting recognition for something I know shouldn’t get anything other than a casual nod.
The reality...I want to be praised for a job that I don’t understand because I'm too busy doing what I want and not what is necessary?
When it comes to relationships...I’m starting to understand that there are some similarities. Yea...I say a lot of the right things, I do a lot of the right things, I make sacrifices and concessions for the relationship. But do I...or am I...mmm...doing anything that is really the right thing for the relationship without reward or recognition...remove any expectation other than the love and companionship we both want. AND, know my efforts are honest and accepted.
Brett made a comment earlier....balance is not necessarily equal.
My lack of confidence and other issues...I passively sit back and wait, then make a comment to create a reaction. I have to learn how to rewire myself.
Right now, I’m not a catch. Nothing can change that reality, the silver lining...I haven’t felt better about myself for 23 years. I hope to thank those that have help me along the way.
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