Letters....

So the first letter assignment was to no uncertain people in my life...to basically clear the air and heal the relationship.

The only people would be Lindsey and Jesika, but I was having a hard time getting started. Not sure why...after thought it's because both of those relationships...at least in my mind are still evolving. Lindsey for sure...she'll really never be out of the picture. We will always be parents and eventually grandparents together. Life can't do anything to change that path.

Jesika is more of a choice and logically, it's a stupid choice.

There is no indication of us getting back together and on a short sidewalk...nothing has been said or extended to think we'll even spend time together.

My heart has hope b/c of things said, but my head also says give up b/c of things said...obviously from her.

Hope - from everything that was said before she took a leave of absence; the I love yous, the I want to adult with you, the I want you around as much as possible... Then the middle break up; we can still date, we should spend time together and see how things shape up... Then the, I'm checked out comment with a, I'll never close the door. The logical side...she's made up her mind that I'm a combination of broken and financially not an option and it would take a higher power and a large endowment/retirement to redirect affection in my way.

Head - Financial health is too important to her and weighs too much to override other positives. Concerns towards addiction and depression b/c obvious between Hawaii and the end of August...my neediness pushed her over the edge...rightfully so. I hated how I acted. And the over looming cloud of passive aggressiveness really put her into...just not a good fit.

There's always a but...

If there ever was a chance to talk...after healthy balance came back...knowing what I know now, learn and understand who I am turning into...and even everything we were...there is conflicting feeling between her truth that she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean and not having some type of serious conversation about trying to work it out...any type of ultimatum..."Bryan...this **** needs to change...let's take a break or step back until we can decide if this is a "live with or end" kind of behavior. If we were just dating...then I wouldn't need that. But we had a serious talks and had every intention of getting married.

THAT BEING SAID...

I have let go...weeks now of any hope...all that exists is a boys wish.

So Brett has asked me to change the letter....a letter to myself that I'm enough...that I'm worth all the trouble and a plea to myself that gives me the evidence and confidence to be more than enough...

I'm so conflicted b/c I don't know where I lost that with Jesika...honestly if I did have it was a façade. I needed to address the financial issue. Also, I needed to address the passive aggressiveness...and stop complaining being critical of others.

I'm heart broken to know that I wish I could have met Jesika 8 months from now, when these 3 things will be minimal, if not eliminated from my life.

The really hope is that it will be gone for the next relationship...no matter what.

And I know that I'll be worth it...