Idaho? option? or hope?

Between prayer, journaling, and dialog with Brett…I’m understanding myself a little better each day.  I sent him another message today that I feel like I’m handling things better…I have more balance, but I really haven’t been tested as much as I would like…to get experience and get better.

MMM…well two weeks ago I let me patience and frustration surface towards someone, and it came out.  Instead of asking a simple question to get a simple answer, I said that I “took” care of it when I hadn’t.

These are the situations I might struggle to acknowledge in the moment…

I’m a finding myself in a pickle….

Before Jesika…I have a few goals and things I wanted to focus on…those same things are some of the reasons why she bailed…Now those goals are more important than ever.  Not only for her, but for me…for anyone in my future.

My greatest desire to have a meaningful relationship that I can put my all into…have someone that I can love, support, and grow with…someone that will challenge me, and we do it together.  Jesika was that and so much more…that’s my perception.

But also, I had a plan to leave Kemmerer at some point…just to have a better environment, access to life, opportunities for person growth…and now…finding that meaningful relationship.

Ideally, I don’t want to leave until my debt is gone.  Secondly, I want to put hope into Jesika.  Third, there is a level of known vs. unknown.

I recently put in for a transfer to Meridian, Idaho…and its day job with no shiftwork, no weekends…at least Sundays and I find that I rather enjoy being at church.

I face myself with a question that I kind of already know…what happens if I get the job offer?  Leave without telling Jesika?  Before I accept the position, share with her the news, and see how she reacts?

My first impression, she will be happy and say that I should take it if I think its good and not hold off in the hope of “US.”  She is not sentimental nor bound to anything or anyone.  Her feelings are numb towards me at this time and would need multiple…positive experiences of friendship, bonding, and new character revealed by myself…that would take time.

But I love her enough to keep that hope…I’m NUTS!