Assignment and 1st Video Session...I like where I'm heading

Letter assignment…

I had my first video session with Brett, I like him, and he seems like a guy I would get along with. His tempo and thoughtfulness in the process I’m going through has been good for me. There has been a good balance of him validating me and challenging me. So naturally, the trust I have in him is refreshing.

I wish I would have taken some notes b/c there was one time in the conversation that it was deep water stuff, but I felt safe and comfortable opening up and accepting what was being discussed. BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!?!?!?! Haha…

We talked about my break throughs with JR and my mom…oh…this is it…

With JR it was me having a need to get more from him but in a better form. For a couple of years ever time I go to JR to ask for help, direction, or an explanation, he buries me with too much information, and I’m left overwhelmed, frustrated, and missing the boat on what I needed in the first place. So, I approached him with me need(s)…very directly.

“JR, give me the 1 min explanation or remedy and if that doesn’t answer it, then I can ask follow up questions about upstream or downstream…???”

I continued to let him know about my frustration but optimism in working with him in the future on stuff…but moving forward…this is what I needed. Afterwards, there was a burden lifted about holding any grudge with him.

Around the same time, I asked my mom about how I was growing up. Answering with a quick “I always thought you were an angry little boy…”

That was hurtful but I immediately recognized it was reality for the both of us. My follow up, “Was I like that when we lived in Green River…???”

With a questioning shake of her head…” No, not really.”

I remember the feeling of leaving Green River…I was so angry, selfishly I felt like I had it perfect in Green River and there was nothing in Kemmerer that was going to make me forget my friends, the awesome house we lived in, the neighborhood, the adventures, and everything I was loving about my life in Sweetwater County.

And I finally told her…” I was so mad at you and dad for moving away from Green River.”

I stay in the house for the better part of the summer and refused to find any enjoyment. It only took that amount of time to really hurt my emotions…that really have burdened me for 30+ years.

The moment I told her that, there was a healing in my soul that I had no idea that would come from it. I was holding so much internal resentment towards my parents for something they felt was the best for everyone. I haven’t had any bitterness towards my parents since that conversation.

I enjoy JR now and it’s allowed me to be more positive and optimistic with others at work.

I’m now looking at other people that I could potentially have a conversation with that will unburden me…

But that’s what Brett said that was so deep…he said that it starts with a need that needed filled or resolved. Asking a direct question that could help me move forward or in a healthier direction.

The only two people that I feel like I want to do the same with is Lindsey and Jesika.

I’m not tethered emotionally to Lindsey, but I still complain about her and critical of her, so I feel like I need to do something.

Jesika, I’m deeply emotionally bonded too and it’s due to my own efforts. We invested 5-6 months into each other, but I reasoned and settled down with every intention of marrying her and that has made it difficult to let go. She has given me answers that I have spelled out in earlier entries, but still can’t server my connection with her. It gets easier and easier each day, but with every buzz of my phone I hope it is her reaching out. Brett has asked me what I would need to do with untether myself from her…the cold reality…I don’t want too, but logically it’s the path that is present.