It's a New Day

Something has happened in the last few months, and I really can’t account for the element or elements that have made the difference. It’s not confidence, but it has given me confidence. It’s not focus, but it has given my focus.

Maybe a contributing factor chemical, physical, or physiological.

My personal struggle with pornography has been going on since my early 20’s but for the last year or so it has gone from awareness, focus, abstaining, and redirecting my energy in another direction. There’s no doubt that I’ve had to work at it.

The difference in the last few months…there’s no fighting it off with counter-triggers. It’s not in my “peripheral” or random thoughts like it once was. Before would be watching movie/tv show/video/social media and it would switch a trigger and I’d have to get up…go work out, go for a run, go for a drive…go through my routine to replace the swings with physical activity until the desire was gone.

Those same switches or triggers that would make me think about it are virtually absent. Maybe 1 in 20 times it might enter my mind, but it’s quickly gone with not a lot of effort. I’m optimistic that the change in the chemistry of my brain is allowing me to stay focused, and more balanced in my thought process.

Another contributing factor is where my primary focus is.

Finding a meaningful relationship is still part of my goals, by it’s no longer getting my attention and I’m just going to let it happen. Right now, it’s a balance of getting multiple streams of income and developing stronger bonds with Castle & Roman.

I’m scared to admit to myself that finding a girl with my same beliefs, might be impossible. The stigma is a difficult weight to bare, knowing how bad the chains of addiction can be. Sure, there are women out there that are extraordinary in their ability to co-exist, but mixing in hobbies, activities, and other elements that make attraction possible??? I’ve accepted that it might not happen, but I can be an awesome dad/grandpa and leave a legacy for those that follow me…even if it took me into my late 40’s to get my crap together.

This week was a little step in the right direction.

Whitey and I and buying a duplex and adding additional livable square footage. Two units that currently rent for $600/mo.…by this time next year we will be renting them both out for $1000/mo., building equity and financial push for more properties. The remarkable thing is how it all fell into place, and I cannot explain how it happened.

The north unit is 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and we offered $115K on a listing of $100K. The south unit is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathrooms and we offered $120K on a listing of $115K. Initially we only go the south which is a much better value, but somehow the funding fell through, and we found ourselves in first position…now we have both units. I can’t explain or understand how we got the south unit with only a $5K over asking and more livable space while the north was $15K over asking with less livable space??? With a little work, both units will be 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms…making $2000/mo. on a $1200 mortgage. Roughly. Potential and possibilities!

I love my circle and will do anything to protect and grow it.