Hostage Dad

The ups & downs, frustrations, joys, sacrifices, and limitations I experience as a father is exhausting and trying.  I get angry, depressed, resentful...

The weekend I decided to leave Arizona was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and it many ways, it continues to haunt me.  The ultimate reason was that of the inner circle has to function healthy before the outer circle can grow.  If I wasn't healthy, there was no way for me to be a healthy father, employee, friend, etc.  For that single reason, it was important for me to get on better ground and find balance again.

(Not sure if I have found balance, but I am much healthier)

When I left, Lindsay had me sign a legal document giving her full decision making regarding Castle & Roman.  Which I was fully agreeing too.  My mistake was trusting that she was not sliding anything into that agreement that I didn't not agree too.  The afternoon I was leaving she had me sign the document and I didn't not review it carefully...MY mistake.  The agreement removed my ability to make decisions regarding education, medical, & religion, but she removed any ability to have visitation and had to be approved by her in advance.  It also required me to have a psychological evaluation before that right could be applied.  So...there was never going to be a situation where I could request to have the kids for a week during a specific holiday or summer months.

I would have never agreed to that, if I would have known that.  Again my mistake for trusting her.

Since then, my hands have been tied and have to keep her happy or she will keep the kids away from me...or at least that is the overall feeling I have.   But the past has proven that to be the case.

I could go on and on about the little things I try to do help her...nightly calls to go over homework, stay late at her house with the kids so she can have a date or night out, send her extra money for activities she never discusses with me, etc.

On top of that, there is no consistency and what is okay for her to do as a parent, does not mean that it's okay for me to do as a parent.  There is double standard and it's BS!

The most frustrating issue is when I plan a trip to visit and she happens to schedule time out of town...completely voiding my ability to spend quality time with Castle & Roman.  She could make the sacrifice to stay, but (in my mind) selfishly leaves.  She has never made an attempt to compromise or try to make up for it, but shrugs it off as if it's my fault/loss for either 1) not communicating with her better or 2) making assumptions (this is my fault)  (Again, this is how I feel...might not be the truth, but it's my reality)

Being a hostage to my own decision to leave Arizona is a burden I struggle with, but every time this happens, it makes it more difficult to give her extra money for the extra costs outside of my legal obligation.  It also makes me less willing to make monthly trips to Arizona to see the kids until I have my own place to stay and thus having the kids with me 100% of the time while I am there.

It's not fair to Castle and Roman if I hold her hostage...I need to step outside of myself and make a firm decision on how to move forward.  Until I feel like I am protected as a father, I really don't have another choice?

I need to sleep on this...but right now...I don't feel like I should spend any more money traveling to Arizona, send any extra money for swim, jujitsu, school clubs, etc. Stop splitting any non-medical emergency costs...until I am 100% debt free and have my finances in a place where I feel more in control.  Then legally pursue actions where I can have visitation rights put back into place.

It might be logical to list values, priorities, weighted decisions/choices, goals, short/long term consequences, legal obligations/consequences, and effects on Castle & Roman?  The most important element that has to be consistent...making sure my relationship with Castle & Roman improves everyday.  That is the tricky part to navigate.