I want a meaningful relationship.
Right now, I don’t offer enough to attract what would be meaningful.
My feelings about my future are not consistent.
My inner dialog being spoken gets me in trouble.
One of the best ways to find fulfillment is through service.
In order to have greater mastery I need to be mindful and practice the following;
· Self control – Health, Health, Health
· More polite directness and NO passive comments – ground myself
· Know my boundaries and respect them – personal, professional, relationships
· Confidence in my moral worthiness – Kindness, service, and faith
Friday, October 15, 2021
Sunday, October 10, 2021
Find confidence in mastery
My mind wanders quite often…past relationships, future adventures, current projects, career pursuits, financial obligations, promises to posterity…as I try to feel my way through life I have moments, few steps forward, few steps back.
I know I need to learn to forgive myself for the steps back…acknowledge and embrace the atonement. Confidence is a strength that can fuel all those avenues of my life…relationships, adventures, projects, pursuits, obligation…my legacy for my posterity. Stay focus and keep moving.
There is a tug between the independence that is healthy for me and a co-pendency that I have allowed myself to fall into.
The battle that with my emotions and passion are slowly losing against calmness and balance. Self-control and patients are not my strengths…they only thing I want more than that…a wonderful, sexy, fulfilling relationship.
I know I need to learn to forgive myself for the steps back…acknowledge and embrace the atonement. Confidence is a strength that can fuel all those avenues of my life…relationships, adventures, projects, pursuits, obligation…my legacy for my posterity. Stay focus and keep moving.
There is a tug between the independence that is healthy for me and a co-pendency that I have allowed myself to fall into.
The battle that with my emotions and passion are slowly losing against calmness and balance. Self-control and patients are not my strengths…they only thing I want more than that…a wonderful, sexy, fulfilling relationship.
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
Direction...AZ will have to wait
I have lost my cool multiple times in the last week.
The frustrating part is, I want to be able to control my emotions, stay balanced and poised. It’s easy to blame my environment, but it’s not that. There’s no doubt that it’s a contributing factor…but I really would like to peal the layers back and see where the basis of my frustration is.
The easy answer…and I honestly think is the core…I’m not where I want to be. It has nothing to do with my location or my environment, but my position…lot…stage in life.
Comparing myself to my friends surfaces a lot of those emotions. I’m comparing myself to who and where I thought I would be when I was 25. I look at my friends and family…while they are on fall break or a family vacation…I’m 900 miles away from my kids, working overtime to tackle debt, little to no assets, no relationship, a job where I put too much unnecessary effort and not enough focus understanding how to move up and onward?
It’s easy to tell someone that they need to be happy with who they are and where they’re at…or learn to be happy by yourself…lots of clichés to pick from.
Previously I found happiness in accomplishment and companionship…I can’t have impact on a relationship that doesn’t exist or is present…so accomplishment is where my focus must stay.
Get out of debt…as of right now if I average $1677/every two weeks I’ll be debt free by next summer.
That goal is in site and kind of exciting, but I’m not sure where to take the next step?
Do I get back into physical accomplishment? Ironman’s? Races? Adventures? I’m not sure?
Do I focus on obtaining assets? Investments? Most likely?
Should I put effort into a relationship? My overall goal is to find…build a meaningful relationship. That’s what I would like to do, but without assets…investments…financial foundation and future, what kind of relationship do I really attract?
So…where do I start? What should I plan for? What path…environment…what framework is going to help me accomplish that for my stage of life. Meaning…45/46 years old? $100K income (right now) No real assets…little or basic retirement?
Best path is to stay right here in Kemmerer. My income will only get better, costs will stay controlled. Retirement planning between Williams 401K and pension, Fire Dept pension, and my personal planning is good…It’s a predictable and consequences are known. Financial side is high…relationship and personal activities…is LOW.
Idaho is great a good balance. My income will drop b/c the lack of OT pay…going to 40-45 hours per week? Fire Dept retirement goes away? So financial outlook drops, but the personal fulfillment and relationship outlook greatly improves.
Arizona is where my heart wants to be, but my head tells me that I shouldn’t even be considering it. My overall plan is to work frantically towards a rental property there…Air BnB and a car…giving me an awesome step for assets/financial planning? Going to AZ would be a step back in career, income, and future planning. The only advantage is being close to Castle and Roman…friends??? And potential dating?
I need to step back from looking at AZ…maybe put a few feelers out once I’m debt free…and some money saved up?
Right now, stay in Opal for the next year PLUS, but always look and pursue Williams opportunities in Idaho. Remove debt, save for 2-3 years, buy a property in AZ while I keep my expenses low here or in Idaho. That’s a plan…now I need to belief it…be patient with it…and trust it will resolve frustration and increase joy.
The frustrating part is, I want to be able to control my emotions, stay balanced and poised. It’s easy to blame my environment, but it’s not that. There’s no doubt that it’s a contributing factor…but I really would like to peal the layers back and see where the basis of my frustration is.
The easy answer…and I honestly think is the core…I’m not where I want to be. It has nothing to do with my location or my environment, but my position…lot…stage in life.
Comparing myself to my friends surfaces a lot of those emotions. I’m comparing myself to who and where I thought I would be when I was 25. I look at my friends and family…while they are on fall break or a family vacation…I’m 900 miles away from my kids, working overtime to tackle debt, little to no assets, no relationship, a job where I put too much unnecessary effort and not enough focus understanding how to move up and onward?
It’s easy to tell someone that they need to be happy with who they are and where they’re at…or learn to be happy by yourself…lots of clichés to pick from.
Previously I found happiness in accomplishment and companionship…I can’t have impact on a relationship that doesn’t exist or is present…so accomplishment is where my focus must stay.
Get out of debt…as of right now if I average $1677/every two weeks I’ll be debt free by next summer.
That goal is in site and kind of exciting, but I’m not sure where to take the next step?
Do I get back into physical accomplishment? Ironman’s? Races? Adventures? I’m not sure?
Do I focus on obtaining assets? Investments? Most likely?
Should I put effort into a relationship? My overall goal is to find…build a meaningful relationship. That’s what I would like to do, but without assets…investments…financial foundation and future, what kind of relationship do I really attract?
So…where do I start? What should I plan for? What path…environment…what framework is going to help me accomplish that for my stage of life. Meaning…45/46 years old? $100K income (right now) No real assets…little or basic retirement?
Best path is to stay right here in Kemmerer. My income will only get better, costs will stay controlled. Retirement planning between Williams 401K and pension, Fire Dept pension, and my personal planning is good…It’s a predictable and consequences are known. Financial side is high…relationship and personal activities…is LOW.
Idaho is great a good balance. My income will drop b/c the lack of OT pay…going to 40-45 hours per week? Fire Dept retirement goes away? So financial outlook drops, but the personal fulfillment and relationship outlook greatly improves.
Arizona is where my heart wants to be, but my head tells me that I shouldn’t even be considering it. My overall plan is to work frantically towards a rental property there…Air BnB and a car…giving me an awesome step for assets/financial planning? Going to AZ would be a step back in career, income, and future planning. The only advantage is being close to Castle and Roman…friends??? And potential dating?
I need to step back from looking at AZ…maybe put a few feelers out once I’m debt free…and some money saved up?
Right now, stay in Opal for the next year PLUS, but always look and pursue Williams opportunities in Idaho. Remove debt, save for 2-3 years, buy a property in AZ while I keep my expenses low here or in Idaho. That’s a plan…now I need to belief it…be patient with it…and trust it will resolve frustration and increase joy.
Wednesday, September 29, 2021
stopping my mind from racing...
It's disappointing, my mind races and overthinks when I go running or for a bike ride. I haven't tried lifting or going that direction, but I'll try tomorrow.
Working on my bus, watching movies, playing phone games, swiping on dating apps are the only things that really keep my mind from going nuts...
I hate that I'm being physically lazy, but I feel my head and mind need more attention that my cardio or waistline. Those areas can bounce back.
In the last 48 hours I've put a serious amount of time and thought into finding a way to move back to Tempe. The options are not good right now...either have a $85K year job or very low cost of living...buy I house for cash...going with the second option, it would take me 4-5 years make that happen? Passively working towards that might be something to consider?
Considering where I am at, my resources, my over health, my projections...I have to plan on staying at the Opal plant long term?
If that's the case...work hard, pick up all the OT I can, take any and all promotions I can get. Stay healthy, watch my spending...
All the time keeping my eye open for opportunities...
Stay with Williams...work days...relocate...make it work. Idaho? Colorado? Texas? None of these are options without staying with Williams.
Look for opportunities to get back to Arizona? Not sure how that will happen? The path that is the most clear...move back with the ability to buy a house for cash & enough savings that any job will work?
How? Work here and save...save...save...invest...invest...invest. Sacrifice everything now to make it happen sooner???
I can do that in Opal/Kemmerer pretty easy? Even if I have to buy a simple place here?
I'd really like to get to Boise area...I can continue to work with Williams, but do some side work with Whitey. The upside is all in Idaho right now? Work, side work, personal opportunity, better weather, hobbies, activities, etc.
Feeling better about having my eyes and ears open for opportunities that present itself.
Tuesday, September 28, 2021
Whitey, Lynzee, & Chad
I would hope that everyone has a brother, sister and friend like them...
Luckily...thankfully, I was able to talk to each of them today and what was incredible...they each called me. Then to finish the night...facetime with Castle & Roman.
I really don't know how I would have gotten through the last several years without each of them. Castle & Roman are my "why" but right now there's not a dialog or exchange that makes me think or challenge the status quo.
With Whitey there's not a lot of pushing, but all support, kindness, and being optimistic.
Lynzee does help me to understand myself better and poses enough questions to place my perspective in different directions.
Chad really is an incredible human being...against the odds...he pushed through more resistance in his life and came out on top. He really has been a great friend and I would hope that everyone has someone, that is not blood related, that is like Christopher Chad Sullivan. He is heaven sent and one of the greatest blessing in my life.
Thursday, September 23, 2021
Finally...the letter to myself...this was hard
Bryan…
Stop overthinking this…everything.
In a world where mediocre and surviving is the normal, you are anything but that.
You have concentrated on elements of your life that are red flags to a perfect person, but those flags are things you are addressing with focus, energy, and a dedicated plan. There are not many people that have or are willing to do what you are doing. Most people will just push them aside and even hide from them.
You have $50K that is outstanding, but you have only been working at it for 6 weeks and $10K has been resolved. Your plan is working.
You know your short comings and working with a counselor to work on them.
That’s what you are allowing to limit your value…that’s it. Focus on everything else you have worked at throughout your life…
· You are an honorable father and ex-husband; you do everything to be helpful
· You are a college graduate with a career that provides opportunity
· You are a volunteer firefighter
· You volunteer regularly in the community and school system
· You practice your faith and strive to be better
· Your work ethic and integrity are often unmatched in your circles
· You have completed in 5 Ironman races and will continue to do them
· You always ask others what you can do to help them…you love to serve when many can’t or won’t
Stop overthinking this…everything.
In a world where mediocre and surviving is the normal, you are anything but that.
You have concentrated on elements of your life that are red flags to a perfect person, but those flags are things you are addressing with focus, energy, and a dedicated plan. There are not many people that have or are willing to do what you are doing. Most people will just push them aside and even hide from them.
You have $50K that is outstanding, but you have only been working at it for 6 weeks and $10K has been resolved. Your plan is working.
You know your short comings and working with a counselor to work on them.
That’s what you are allowing to limit your value…that’s it. Focus on everything else you have worked at throughout your life…
· You are an honorable father and ex-husband; you do everything to be helpful
· You are a college graduate with a career that provides opportunity
· You are a volunteer firefighter
· You volunteer regularly in the community and school system
· You practice your faith and strive to be better
· Your work ethic and integrity are often unmatched in your circles
· You have completed in 5 Ironman races and will continue to do them
· You always ask others what you can do to help them…you love to serve when many can’t or won’t
· You have been forgiven...remember that
· You have learned the value of resolving conflict, square up to it and have a balanced conversation with it, you have found that it’s usually not as big as a deal as it once was…
Keep your head up and know you are worth the trouble, worth being patient, worth waiting around for, and worth any sacrifice…stop comparing yourself to who you were 3 months ago, he was full of hope…they guy you have been for the past 30 days is so much more. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Moving forward…there is nothing but positive upside for you…for yourself, for your family, for your friends, for anyone in your future.
Remember you can get through anything…you always have.
· You have learned the value of resolving conflict, square up to it and have a balanced conversation with it, you have found that it’s usually not as big as a deal as it once was…
Keep your head up and know you are worth the trouble, worth being patient, worth waiting around for, and worth any sacrifice…stop comparing yourself to who you were 3 months ago, he was full of hope…they guy you have been for the past 30 days is so much more. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Moving forward…there is nothing but positive upside for you…for yourself, for your family, for your friends, for anyone in your future.
Remember you can get through anything…you always have.
Wednesday, September 22, 2021
Letters....
So the first letter assignment was to no uncertain people in my life...to basically clear the air and heal the relationship.
The only people would be Lindsey and Jesika, but I was having a hard time getting started. Not sure why...after thought it's because both of those relationships...at least in my mind are still evolving. Lindsey for sure...she'll really never be out of the picture. We will always be parents and eventually grandparents together. Life can't do anything to change that path.
Jesika is more of a choice and logically, it's a stupid choice.
There is no indication of us getting back together and on a short sidewalk...nothing has been said or extended to think we'll even spend time together.
My heart has hope b/c of things said, but my head also says give up b/c of things said...obviously from her.
Hope - from everything that was said before she took a leave of absence; the I love yous, the I want to adult with you, the I want you around as much as possible... Then the middle break up; we can still date, we should spend time together and see how things shape up... Then the, I'm checked out comment with a, I'll never close the door. The logical side...she's made up her mind that I'm a combination of broken and financially not an option and it would take a higher power and a large endowment/retirement to redirect affection in my way.
Head - Financial health is too important to her and weighs too much to override other positives. Concerns towards addiction and depression b/c obvious between Hawaii and the end of August...my neediness pushed her over the edge...rightfully so. I hated how I acted. And the over looming cloud of passive aggressiveness really put her into...just not a good fit.
There's always a but...
If there ever was a chance to talk...after healthy balance came back...knowing what I know now, learn and understand who I am turning into...and even everything we were...there is conflicting feeling between her truth that she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean and not having some type of serious conversation about trying to work it out...any type of ultimatum..."Bryan...this **** needs to change...let's take a break or step back until we can decide if this is a "live with or end" kind of behavior. If we were just dating...then I wouldn't need that. But we had a serious talks and had every intention of getting married.
THAT BEING SAID...
I have let go...weeks now of any hope...all that exists is a boys wish.
So Brett has asked me to change the letter....a letter to myself that I'm enough...that I'm worth all the trouble and a plea to myself that gives me the evidence and confidence to be more than enough...
I'm so conflicted b/c I don't know where I lost that with Jesika...honestly if I did have it was a façade. I needed to address the financial issue. Also, I needed to address the passive aggressiveness...and stop complaining being critical of others.
I'm heart broken to know that I wish I could have met Jesika 8 months from now, when these 3 things will be minimal, if not eliminated from my life.
The really hope is that it will be gone for the next relationship...no matter what.
And I know that I'll be worth it...
So the first letter assignment was to no uncertain people in my life...to basically clear the air and heal the relationship.
The only people would be Lindsey and Jesika, but I was having a hard time getting started. Not sure why...after thought it's because both of those relationships...at least in my mind are still evolving. Lindsey for sure...she'll really never be out of the picture. We will always be parents and eventually grandparents together. Life can't do anything to change that path.
Jesika is more of a choice and logically, it's a stupid choice.
There is no indication of us getting back together and on a short sidewalk...nothing has been said or extended to think we'll even spend time together.
My heart has hope b/c of things said, but my head also says give up b/c of things said...obviously from her.
Hope - from everything that was said before she took a leave of absence; the I love yous, the I want to adult with you, the I want you around as much as possible... Then the middle break up; we can still date, we should spend time together and see how things shape up... Then the, I'm checked out comment with a, I'll never close the door. The logical side...she's made up her mind that I'm a combination of broken and financially not an option and it would take a higher power and a large endowment/retirement to redirect affection in my way.
Head - Financial health is too important to her and weighs too much to override other positives. Concerns towards addiction and depression b/c obvious between Hawaii and the end of August...my neediness pushed her over the edge...rightfully so. I hated how I acted. And the over looming cloud of passive aggressiveness really put her into...just not a good fit.
There's always a but...
If there ever was a chance to talk...after healthy balance came back...knowing what I know now, learn and understand who I am turning into...and even everything we were...there is conflicting feeling between her truth that she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean and not having some type of serious conversation about trying to work it out...any type of ultimatum..."Bryan...this **** needs to change...let's take a break or step back until we can decide if this is a "live with or end" kind of behavior. If we were just dating...then I wouldn't need that. But we had a serious talks and had every intention of getting married.
THAT BEING SAID...
I have let go...weeks now of any hope...all that exists is a boys wish.
So Brett has asked me to change the letter....a letter to myself that I'm enough...that I'm worth all the trouble and a plea to myself that gives me the evidence and confidence to be more than enough...
I'm so conflicted b/c I don't know where I lost that with Jesika...honestly if I did have it was a façade. I needed to address the financial issue. Also, I needed to address the passive aggressiveness...and stop complaining being critical of others.
I'm heart broken to know that I wish I could have met Jesika 8 months from now, when these 3 things will be minimal, if not eliminated from my life.
The really hope is that it will be gone for the next relationship...no matter what.
And I know that I'll be worth it...
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