2024 - very late update

I'm just going to start typing and see where it goes.

I feel stuck and most of me feels like it shouldn't be.  I feel like I should be grateful for all that I have, the direction my life is going, the people that are involved in my life....yada, yada, yada.  There is a another part of my soul that needs to grieve.  

On Dec 14th last year (2023) Mom called me to tell me that we lost dad. I remember talking to him just the week before.  He sounded upbeat, happy to be away from Kemmerer, enjoying the weather of Wyoming, and reconnecting with the Southern Utah family. I remember I just wanted to talked to someone and have them help me get through the moment...talking to me, hold me, laugh with me, complain with me...looking back I don't think there was anyone that I really wanted to share my initial shock with.  

Its been 4 months and I know I'm still not through the emotions of the lost of Pops.  Knowing I cant share any more of my joys with him.  When I have a good moment, or an exciting experience...

Of course, I can share with Mom, Whitey, Lyznee or another silbing...I could even share things with Chad or another friend, but the missing my dad is going to be hard.  I never liked sharing bad experience with him, knowing he didn't have the ability to work through that, but it was something I needed...to share some of my greatest moments with him.  There was always something that was deeper joy to share with him.  I'm going to miss that.  

I wish I would have talked to him more about my fear of sharing my fears with him.

A month later a friend told me she would like to set up with an old co-worker.  A week later I was going on my first hike with Amy Judd.

Apparently, we had matched twice on mutual, but I didn't pursue it.  I remember matching with her once, and it was a compatibility question.  It seems like our lifestyles just didn't match up.  She seemed like she was natural in her lifestyle...organic food, nature loving?  Even though I thought of myself as healthy, I still enjoyed soda, sugar, sports...nothing that would prevent friends from existing, but what I believed was foundational to a relationship...well, it was a stretch and I didn't put any effort towards it.  

I can't remember details about that first, or second hike that I went on with Amy, but I do remember a few core elements that I found attractive.  First, the desire to connect...there was no doubt she lived a healthy lifestyle, she was physically gifted...pretty, her physical presence...specifically she gave a hug was personal and giving.  I didn't know how old she was but was ? impressed ? attracted...that she took care of herself...what she was could not be done by eating well, but having habits that helped her to look incredible.  She was naturally beautiful...different from what I had traditionally looking at.  

I had usually gone after girls that have straight hair, clean skin, simple style but elegant...Amy is modest, simple, natural...hair is wild and free, look is naturally exotic, but beautifully natural. It's different, and I'm loving different.  I don't ever what to make this a quantitative point, because Amy is absolutely gorgeous, but her attractiveness is not important and it's going an element that she is enough...she's different in what I've gone after, but breath-taking in a totally different way.

Is what I am locked into is her presence. Her style of communication makes me want to communicate, open up and be honest with her.  I do sense judgement from time to time, but for the most part I trust she wants to understand me so she can find her way into my life...I don't believe she has had to change anything about the person she is, but she is adjusting her own tolerances and preferences to fit into my own???  I've definitely changes in the few months we have spent with each other, but it a way that moves me into the person that I have put off or suppressed.  

We haven't fought, but we have misunderstood each other and assumed the worse.  Right now, we are deeply in love, but have let our insecurities surface from time to time.  My insecurities right now, she has had so many experiences and adventures, that I hope that there is something specially and unique that she will only have with me.  So jealousy.  That I'm going to break her heart...either by not being patient with myself or giving up on taking the easy path...that my garbage is too much for her.

There's been a few times where I've needed her to fight for me...fight for us...and she doesn't know how to???  It does help to know that I don't question her love for me, but that doesn't mean we stop or stop doing things to connect.  She has put me on a path to heal, and rewire my past.  Talking to Wayne, be honest with my past, be honest...my needs.

She asked me a sincere question this weekend, and I feel compelled to be honest with myself.  There is nothing about her that I don't love, and I don't see being a part of the future that I want. Are things perfect, no... There are elements to my past, far past and recent past that I wish could be erased.  Are there elements of her past and how she lets her present be affected by her past.  I don't know what it is about her look, something I've never been drawn to before, but I can't keep my eyes off of her.  She is mysterious, sexy, unique, wild, natural, feminine, exotic, and completely imperfectly beautiful. I see something new every time I look at her or I rediscover something I was drawn to before.  But really, it's her kindness, her character, ability to forgive, her soul be filled with a light that make me see her spirit attached to her body...I'm drawn to her in a strong way. 

Last week Troy took his own life.

Last week was just a whirl wind, between going into shock and trying to process my current grief I'm still a bit lost where I want to be, where I should be, and doing what is right be remain healthy.  Honestly, it's a bit conflicting right now.  

Troy and I stopped having a close relationship years ago.  He's still my brother and we started to get closer, especially when Pops passing...my feelings are torn, I'm feeling selfish about it.  

Troy was diagnosed with Trigeminal neuralgia, it's extremely painful and so rare that it really isn't treatable right now.  Troy took it into his own hands, not to talk to anyone about it.  I have justified his actions while ignoring his selfish act.  I have choose to ignore sorrow and grief and try to be grateful for all the other things in my life; my kids, my new path, Amy, home ownership, conquering my bad habits, a good job, fun hobbies, etc.

Leaving Williams...

The heart going back to Arizona all hinges on what is in Arizona and has nothing to do with elements in Wyoming or working for Williams.  

BUT...

I would have never started looking if I felt like things were going in the right direction, it was an environment I was enjoying, and felt appreciated for my efforts and contributions.

I'm disappointed and confused today...not one supervisor or manager gave me well wishes, a good luck, or any other type of acknowledgment about me leaving Williams.  I don't know if it's the status quo or if they truly are upset about me leaving?  I have to look at only what I know...

If I'm honest with myself, I haven't been happy here for a while and my attitude and attention to being the best operator I can, was not yoked with what I'm capable of.  I always thought myself as one of the better hands here at the Opal plant, but I've been moody, isolated, closed off, and bratty to most everyone.  

I'm confused that not one of them said anything...

Now I need to look at what I can do better with the next step.  Have a better attitude.  Be honest with what I bring to the table.  Don't expect a pat on the back for doing my job.  Exceed expectations about my abilities, learning my job, and executing.  Be happy for myself, be happy for others and be optimistic about life.

Just a feeling...and I'm optimistic

I'm less than a week away from leaving Wyoming and going back home to Arizona...

Strange to say that I think of Arizona as my home, but it really is.  My family, roots, and youth are all here in SW Wyoming, but my friends and circle of interests are all in Arizona.  Set aside my kids being there, I don't ever seeing myself move back to Wyoming.  Maybe Utah (b/c of a spouse) or Idaho...maybe Colorado?  Who knows for sure.  

I've been packing up my stuff for the past few days, I've rehearsed what I'm leaving behind and things I will possibly miss...

Definitely will miss my parents and the ability to visit my family that's close by.  I don't think I ever realized how incredible Kemmerer is to infinite adventures in surrounding states. I'm 10-12 hour drive from hundreds of national and state parks. I'll miss being part of the fire department and helping out with coaching & reff-ing. Part of me is disappointed in love not connecting, but that part is hopeful in my move to Arizona.  I'll miss waving to people when I'm on runs around town, or riding my bike from place to place and hearing honks from friends. Having casual conversations at the swimming pool or grocery store, catching up on small talk.

BUT...I don't have a deep connection with anyone here...I thought I did at one point.  I'm not a bigtime hunter, nor do I care for ice-fishing.  I don't own a side-by-side or a snowmobile, and crushing a 12-pack of beer is not my idea of a Saturday afternoon well spent.  I'm a country boy that loves access to stimulus and services...multiple options for fun and adventure.  I have found myself more in the last 2 years that will make Arizona so much more than it was before...As long as I can side-hustle, stay in budget, and keep my focus on being healthy...life is going to be grand.  

I can't help but feel optimistic about this move...not that I believe in signs, but there are already multiple things that have happened to build my excitement about the return.  

My last trip down to the valley, I was on the return flight with a friend who told me his sister is going through a divorce and might need a friend to bounce around with...no expectation, but it would be nice to have a good friend to concert jump, hike, and adventure with???

Then the first week back, a friend already invited me to go to the ASU football game...heck yeah!

My first day back, and I just found out about this yesterday...all my best pals will be having our fantasy football draft party. 

The next day, my kids are having a piano recital!  The next day...I start my new job.

I love that I'll be busy and options to get reintegrated. I feel lucky, blessed and optimistic about this move.

conflicted...

Leaving Wyoming means leaving my parents and the possibility that I may never see one of them alive again?  Pops has not been feeling well lately and Mom is burning herself out with over working herself and stressing. 

I'm conflicted b/c they don't have a good relationship.  I know that I have a healthier relationship with my dad, but most of it exists on the surface.  Mom is complicated and stressed with expectations.  Dad is tired, worn out, and doesn't have a lot of drive to live out the rest of his life...he's kind of waiting?  Mom, constantly is nesting and stresses when others don't align with that.  She doesn't treat herself well, or has confidence when Dad is around.  Most of the siblings can talk and enjoy time around Dad and Mom resents that.  She also resented that about Grandma...she wants that same thing, but involves herself and interjects herself into things with the intention of approval rather than discourse and balance.  Her sensitivity is another person in the room.

I'm conflicted...on how to say goodbye, how to leave for Arizona and leave in good graces, how to stay connected while I'm in Arizona, how to stay involved, how to be supportive and not come across as ungrateful. 

Going back to the Heat Box...I love it

 Well, as long as my background check and drug test come back clean, I'll be a resident of Arizona in a short while.  The positives win in a landslide.

• Being close to Castle & Roman
• attending events, concerts, competitions, etc
• having more impact on thier development & growth
• holidays, vacations, & breaks
• Better work schedule; no holidays, weekends, or night...but I will be on-call.
• More access to personal relationships, friendships, and social life
• No more living in snow
• Ability to actively participate in my faith
• Access to hobbies & entertainment that fit my lifestyle

The only downsides to going to back Arizona is being away from Mom & Dad and the cost of living in Arizona...it's going to be expensive.  But the plan I have will work.  

On another note, last Wednesday...the 20th, Dad got all serious and wanted to tell me something...and it sounded serious.  He proceeded to tell me he didn't know how much more time he had, but wanted to tell me that he loved me and loved being my dad.  It's was a special moment, sincere and heartfelt.  It will be difficult to regret the last 6 years being close to and growing my relationship with Dad...there been more trust and memorable moments together.  Even though Mom and I have butted heads the last few weeks, it's been nice to connect in a different way. 

still weighing on my mind...

I've now discussed this move, back to Arizona, with Mom, David, Marshall, Lynzee, & Whitey.  It seems like a clean, clear choice...go back to Arizona.

So why is it difficult?

It all evolves around money...making it, saving it, investing it, spending it...

I'll make less, save less, investing will roughly be the same, but I'll be spending more too.  

I want to reach out to Erik, our financial guy and see what my options are to buy a house in Arizona ASAP.  I don't have anything for a down payment, nor do I have anything as collateral, not that would be an option. I would like to use my income and work history of Williams to back my mortgage.  I saw a house in Mesa, modular/manufactured home that was extremely nice for $150K and my payments would be $1200/mo...which is great. The other possibilities...cash out my 401K...pay crazy taxes on that to pay for a down payment?  The last option, wait until we sell the houses in Kemmerer in two years and cashout with them for my down payment? 

Again, I put myself in this position.  I should have over $100K in equity or other investments...then this decision wouldn't be so difficult.

I would be awesome to find a sugar momma that just wants a 46 year old boy to tag a long in life?  But again, I probably wouldn't gel with her if that's what she wanted.

I don't want to adult this decision

In the next 2 weeks I will interview for two different positions...one that will allow me to work straight days, no weekends, limit my income, and remain in Kemmerer...potentially for the remainder of my career.  The second position will take me back to Arizona, work days, no weekends, limit my income, raise my cost of living, be closer to my children and potentially slow my financial plan.

There's no real way to weigh the pros & cons of these decisions.  I've been giving it so much thought that I'm really struggling.  If I move back to Arizona, I get to be close to my kids and have regular interaction, my social life sky rockets.  If I stay here, my cost of living will stay low, allowing me to save & invest more.  Going to Arizona, I'll need to budget and find a healthy side hustle.  Staying in Kemmerer I have accepted being single and my companion will be adventure & season ski pass to Beaver Mountain.  

Buying a house in the Phoenix area is not going to happen with the wages I will make from this position, so I'll need to find a realistic side hustle that can bring me $10k-20k extra a year??  Selling mattresses? Delivery? Remodeling? Turo?

If I stay in Kemmerer for 2-3 more years, I'll have to stay with Williams.  When I get over 50 years old, I'll be un-hirable.  There's no doubt, it's tilted to Arizona...but the cost of living is a big weight to consider.  I've been looking at places to live...rent is going to be $1300-$2000 a month...then utilities on top of that?  I'm just not sure how I'm going to make that work?  

First step is to interview and see what comes back?

New Chapter....CBC Properties LLC

I’m excited about the future.

I’ve shifted around my focus but haven’t changed any of my goals. Finding a meaningful relationship has taken the elevator down to the bottom floor. I really don’t have the ability to influence it more than I have. I’m not giving up on it so I will keep my eyes open. I get interest, but nothing that’s realistic for staying in Kemmerer???

Kids will always have the focus and energy, and everything defaults to their needs and helping them.

Consistency with my general routine is important and keeps my focus. I would like to do better with feeding my spiritual side…prayer, studying, churchy stuff…

But my drive is to create more avenues of income and financial stability. I’m lucky enough to have both hands around this and partnering with Whitey and his brother-in-law. With that same breath, we are fortunate to land two rental properties to kickstart our partnership. By this time next year, we’ll be bringing in $500-1000 plus equity per month on those. Our hope is to have multiple rentals & AIR BnBs in ten years. Fingers crossed.

I’ve been driving at knocking down my school loans but decided to go with minimum payments. I’m not sure it’s the best option, but I’m not getting value off paying down any sooner but giving me more buy in power with our property LLC will. This new direction has more potential to create velocity for better financial outcome. There’s no guarantee, but it’s a logical choice.

Hope seems to creep into my head, through my heart…to keep that potential relationship alive. The blunt truth…unless I forego my religious values, I don’t see a relationship happening if I stay in Wyoming.

Hopefully in 2 years, I have a home in Arizona that is my primary home that I’m AIR BnB when I’m not there, Turo-ing a car…and thus giving me 3-4 streams of income…lowering my cost of visiting Castle & Roman…and potentially putting myself in a situation to have a relationship in Arizona??? That’s kinda, how I see it playing out? It will take a special situation/girl to make that happen, but I’ve heard of stranger things.

It's a New Day

Something has happened in the last few months, and I really can’t account for the element or elements that have made the difference. It’s not confidence, but it has given me confidence. It’s not focus, but it has given my focus.

Maybe a contributing factor chemical, physical, or physiological.

My personal struggle with pornography has been going on since my early 20’s but for the last year or so it has gone from awareness, focus, abstaining, and redirecting my energy in another direction. There’s no doubt that I’ve had to work at it.

The difference in the last few months…there’s no fighting it off with counter-triggers. It’s not in my “peripheral” or random thoughts like it once was. Before would be watching movie/tv show/video/social media and it would switch a trigger and I’d have to get up…go work out, go for a run, go for a drive…go through my routine to replace the swings with physical activity until the desire was gone.

Those same switches or triggers that would make me think about it are virtually absent. Maybe 1 in 20 times it might enter my mind, but it’s quickly gone with not a lot of effort. I’m optimistic that the change in the chemistry of my brain is allowing me to stay focused, and more balanced in my thought process.

Another contributing factor is where my primary focus is.

Finding a meaningful relationship is still part of my goals, by it’s no longer getting my attention and I’m just going to let it happen. Right now, it’s a balance of getting multiple streams of income and developing stronger bonds with Castle & Roman.

I’m scared to admit to myself that finding a girl with my same beliefs, might be impossible. The stigma is a difficult weight to bare, knowing how bad the chains of addiction can be. Sure, there are women out there that are extraordinary in their ability to co-exist, but mixing in hobbies, activities, and other elements that make attraction possible??? I’ve accepted that it might not happen, but I can be an awesome dad/grandpa and leave a legacy for those that follow me…even if it took me into my late 40’s to get my crap together.

This week was a little step in the right direction.

Whitey and I and buying a duplex and adding additional livable square footage. Two units that currently rent for $600/mo.…by this time next year we will be renting them both out for $1000/mo., building equity and financial push for more properties. The remarkable thing is how it all fell into place, and I cannot explain how it happened.

The north unit is 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and we offered $115K on a listing of $100K. The south unit is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathrooms and we offered $120K on a listing of $115K. Initially we only go the south which is a much better value, but somehow the funding fell through, and we found ourselves in first position…now we have both units. I can’t explain or understand how we got the south unit with only a $5K over asking and more livable space while the north was $15K over asking with less livable space??? With a little work, both units will be 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms…making $2000/mo. on a $1200 mortgage. Roughly. Potential and possibilities!

I love my circle and will do anything to protect and grow it.

Shawshank...hope

Red: "What are you talking about?"

Andy: "Hope."

Red: "Hope...Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It's got no use on the inside. Better get use to the idea.

Andy: "Like Brooks did?"

The movie continues on to the end after the "Redemption." 

Andy writes a letter to Red...

Andy: [in a letter] "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.  I will be hoping that this letter finds you, a finds you well."

I HOPE that for all the things I've done wrong as a father, I'm also doing enough to tell me kids that I love and want the best for them.

I HOPE for all my short-comings, mistakes, and sins, that my constant desire to be faithful, never giving up, and always wanting to return to my father will be considered.

I HOPE that me acknowledging my temper, my criticism, passive-aggressive nature will help me over come those negative characteristics.

I HOPE with all the financial mistakes and damage that I've put myself into, I can somehow recover and do what I need to do have a future and possible retirement.

I HOPE I can be the person I've always wanted to be, kind, motivated, fun, faithful, and overall healthy.

The movie ends with...

Red:

    "I hope I can make it across the border...I hope to see my friend and shake his hand...I hope the Pacific ocean is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."

plan for what I know, not what I hope for

I didn’t get the relocation job in Meridian, and it doesn’t look like I’ll get the maintenance position here at the Opal plant. Avoiding the discouragement of not getting a position that you mentally plan for, is difficult.

With the Meridian job, it was going straight days, working with Whitey on the side, increasing my options for social outlets, and going to a warmer place.

With the maintenance coordinator position, it was going straight days, better income to hours ratio, and not feeling suffocated as an operator.

I am grateful for what I do have but know that I will function better on days. Right now, there are 3 possible options in my near future.

1. Stay at Opal as an operator – kill it and improve my attitude

2. Move to Green River and take a field job – less pay, straight days, slightly improved social life

3. Hope that my number is called by Exxon – same job, more pay

For the last two weeks I’ve been straight days, doing project and picking up shifts. I feel like I’m doing everything to show I’m committed. I need to restrain myself and let the work take care of itself. That’s not the best way to describe the action, but I take too much upon myself and need to be better and delegating and finding others to help.

I’m also considering buying a house in Kemmerer, it was never something I wanted to do, but I must face the facts…I’m here. I doubt I’ll be able to find another opportunity that gives me the security and benefits that I have. I would love to get back to Arizona, but I would either need to consume a lot of risk or need an incredible about of resources to make that leap. Not deciding, but I must make decisions that would give me more options.

Being in the right…place is everything. And I’m always questioning that instead of having confidence.

Restore order with Imagination

This afternoon I was watching “Saving Mr. Banks,” a story about Walt Disney trying to make the movie “Mary Poppins,” which happens to be one of my favorite movies, but I heard a line that really made me think deeply about life.

“…because that’s what we storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again, and again.”

Walt Disney was trying to explain that what he often gets tired of remembering how things were (are). Laying to rest the regretful sadness of our past and finding ways to reimagine things in a better light.

As always, I look at this from a few different perspectives…

As a parent…possibly as a spouse, friend, family member…We do this all the time, or at least the healthy, optimistic side of us will. Heck, even as an individual, there is always a way to find hope where there might not be. Being grateful when most things are looking grim. That’s what the movie “Life is Beautiful” is all about. A father protecting his son while being in a Nazi concentration camp and pretending it’s a game.

The other way I’m looking at this is a flaw I should probably correct. How often do I look at life with or a particular situation with the hope that it’s going to be scripted like pathetic Hollywood movie? When life is quiet, and I’m trying to see the picture or look for the next step…my heart hopes that fate and a miracle is about to step in with a soundtrack of deliverance. But I don’t recall a time where the sea has parted, or love has concurred.

The last point of view is trying to be preventive…guarding or shielding the ugly side of life. I have friends and family that do this. It’s hard to argue that allowing innocence to prevail. But that community or society around my kids must be even more important. To think my kids will gain their understanding from inside the walls of my home or their mother’s home is reckless. So…to what degree do you/we/I allow my kids to live in innocence?

I don’t have answers, suggestions, or additional insight about the line from “Saving Mr. Banks,” but that one part...” restore order with imagination” is something that’s on my mind.

Faith & Pride

There is a puzzle that all of us are trying to put together and finding out how important our piece is to the bigger picture is…ego…perspective…pride…humility…

There are two contradictory behaviors that push me to believe that I can turn the tables on my position in life.

My faith on one side and my ego other the other.

Wanting…pursuing a life of blessings is what I’ve been taught. Follow the teachings of the Savior, understanding the purpose of life and obeying those laws that honor eternal progression. As there is commitment and loyalty to that life, it’s assumed that godsends are around every corner.

Then there is ego…wanting to outwork or force my focus to overcome obstacles is the other side of the coin. It doesn’t take too much humility to understand that I don’t have talent and aptitude to grasp money and how to leverage it. There’s no doubt that fear and staying safe with decisions is how I’ve operated.

I didn’t realize it till I started thinking about it…those same traits can hold me back too…

If I don’t feel worthy or my confidence is lacking and the slide…continues or at best…nothing changes.

Honestly, if I could step outside of myself and give myself some sound advice it would be…

1. At this point in your life…playing it safe will get you nowhere! But find out where you want to be in 5 years and make most of your decisions that put you closer to that.

2. There are principles that open and close things, decisions that are based on love and fear, and handling life will either be optimistic or critical…be on the side of light, growth, and gratitude.

3. Channel those qualities bring out the best in you and others…mainly be positive

My feeling that fortune is in my future and it’s a collective impression that it’s both faith and pride. I’ve gone from feeling pretty grateful to knowing that I have a good and am grateful.

Honor is power

I studied the principle of honor a while back and felt impressed to work towards honoring my commitments and promises.

Some of them are small...

    ...if you get a PR, I'll get you... 

or 

    the many times where I've told someone..."I'll take care of that."

Some are big...

    ...school loans, credit cards, tithing, church attendance, etc.

There is power that comes from confidence and that confidence is protected with personal honor.  Honor of keep commitments.  Honor in keeping your word.  Honor in keep promises.  Integrity...honesty...

...And something I just thought of that I didn't initially plan on writing about...asking for forgiveness, repenting, and making things right.  This is going to be a long road.

Headline of the New Year

It’s more complicated than that?

That’s the headline. There are facts and then there are theories…there are also hopes, but also fears.

The facts are things that I know…things that I have control or influence over.

The theories are ideas of why? How?

The hopes are all mine.

The fears are also all mine.

As I ground my emotions and feelings, I acknowledge that I must work through that information and only move towards my goals.

1. Have a meaningful relationship.

2. Bond with my kids

3. Debt free, strong income

4. Consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service.

As much as I want that meaningful relationship to included intimacy, I don’t have control over that part, but do have the ability to grow other relationships…and be open to options and don’t be surprised where it might come from.

I’m so happy where I am sitting with my kids. It’s healthy, it’s loyal, it’s optimistic, it’s open and it’s growing in a positive way.

I’m ahead of schedule with my debt…credit score up 50 points, and in less than 3 weeks I’ll have only one account left to resolve.

I’m going on straight days next week and it will give me an excellent schedule to work with. I’m hoping that I can get a weekly routine towards better mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Just off the top of my head….

· Regular scripture study

· 8 hours of sleep

· Homework with Castle & Roman

· Nutrition

· Minimum of 45 mins of exercise

· Weekly adventure

· Weekly service to help someone

· Attend social events, church, school events, concerts, festivals, etc.

The idea of minimizing my hope is cynical. Living without fear is needed and allowing facts to drive my path forward is necessary. The biggest challenge is not allowing myself to think about all the whys and hows that still work my mind.

Good Luck.

Christmas a week away

I just spent a few minutes reading my last few posts.

AND, mauling over my emotions about fixing this iPad for Teag/Jesika. She didn’t want or need anything other than it fixed so leave it at that. It gives me the chance to help and serve anyone…especially during Christmas time.

I did not get the job at Exxon, but David did tell me I’m 6-7 people out of the current hiring group. Meaning, if they hire in the next 12 months, I could possibly get an offer…which I would take. Unless I get to interview and offered the coordinator position. It would be straight days, no weekends, and no physical labor.

I’m ahead of schedule to fix my financial issues and have a pretty good path for buying something in Kemmerer…it will be hard to find something that works…newer, garage, 3/2 mix. Right now, my options are wait for something or buy/build Jimmy’s land?

Also, this last week…I realized I love being out in public, talking to people, visiting with them…I find that my humor is more present, and I feel more like myself. Also, I need to work out…running is excellent…probably my preference but anytime of exercise is good.

I do like my job but get frustrated at other people’s lack of understanding…of how to make everything else run easier for everyone. I can’t control people’s actions, so the best thing is just appreciate that I do get it and doing what I can do to help them.

My Christmas plans have been foiled! I was going to leave on Wednesday for Tempe and drive back whenever…but my car has exhaust issue that will make it undrivable. There are emissions requirements and the more I drive it without addressing the issues, it will eventually limit my speed to 4 miles per hour. The part I need is literally unavailable. There are 4 dealerships in the country that have this part in stock, because of demand, they are not willing to part with it. It’s been over a week, so I’m limited to flying down Christmas eve and coming back 3 days later. I’ll be back down two week later, and we’ll finish our celebrating.

I’m lucky to be a dad to Castle and Roman

Rambling...on

I love being informed, but don't like the feeling my life is in peril from politics.

I love being active, but struggle with getting on a schedule with winter, shiftwork, and overtime.

I enjoy physical work, but would rather not have my work load hinge on other's efforts.

Having days off work is great, but I'm not good enough with money and I have hobbies that are expensive.

There is not great joy in my life...right now...than spending time with my kids, but need to take financial responsibility for my future.

My heart and soul want companionship more than anything, but my ground is not firm enough.

Alone...

I heard a phrase recently and I wanted to try to make sense of it. The context is really what makes it…real?

“You’re not alone, so don’t pretend that you are.”

It was used in step with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. When someone has a traumatic event, or possibly an addiction, habit, or event in their life where they feel like nobody else understands, they isolate themselves to cope. At least that’s my take on it and I’ve experienced it myself.

After Ricky died, when I found myself in the depths of my addiction, after my divorce, and after heavy heartbreak…I wanted to just hide, run away, be alone. The reality, I needed companionship, friendship, and interaction more than anything.

For me the best start is service…finding someone or something that help.

I read in social media sites all the time that there is power in loneliness and isolation…a way to reinvent yourself. That's when you find power, health, and growth in seclusion, there is sovereignty and control in your future.

Maybe there is truth to having a balance…knowing you don’t need others to be happy, but a greater happiness comes when shared with those you love and serve?

Purpose

I’ve always known there is an emptiness or void that occupies my mind, but I’m starting to understand it. To say that it’s a lack of purpose sounds extreme, but it’s having a daily agenda or monthly goal…and something to accomplish within the next year. For the past 3 months I’ve been obsessed in working overtime to pay off debts; putting off exercise, social interaction, traveling, and simple pleasures that I use to enjoy.

As a student there are layers of being in school; social interaction, classes, starting and testing out of a class…

As a husband it’s joining together to build and develop a life together. Tackling ‘Honey-dos” and planning for the days ahead.

As a father it’s getting them to school, making lunches, doing homework, playing games, doing adventures, taking them to practice, arranging play days, watching, and supporting them in their activities and commitments.

I look forward to having health distractions…dating, restoring Lucky, traveling, home-keeping, etc.  

But for right now, I have to stay focused and get rid of this financial anchor.

perspective

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I offered to work for a guy so he could spend time with his family, knowing I wasn't going to be with mine.  Mostly, I wanted to be occupied.

Something dawned on me with a weight that I hope has lasting effects.  Gratitude and offense/bitterness cannot occupy the same being.  Initially I was going to the same space, but that really isn't accurate.  There is a ruling factor in a person's personality...you are generally a person happy with what you have or you complain that someone else...does less, has more, yada, yada, yada...

I always thought I was a person who was more grateful, but I can see now I never have been.

As I look at my jobs, my circle of friends and family, arena of politics...my head usually states...what's wrong or unfair about what is on the side of the conversation rather than look at what I have.  

I'm pretty damn lucky!

I have parents that have always been able and willing.

I have siblings that are responsible, helpful, and contributors.

The friends I have in my circle are incredible in everyway.

I have a job that provides exceptional income, benefits and freedom.

I have physical health that gives me the freedom to be active as I want to be.

I have resources all around me that give me protection and mobility.

I have two kids that are free from real struggle, intelligent, and adjusted.

I have faith and knowledge that gives me direction and stability.

What I have focused on is not worth my time, energy, or mental health.  I want to purge them, but be aware of what my role is to affect them positively.

My work role, America's direction, relationship status, my social, career, and financial status.

Again, I'm lucky to have the life I do.