Distractions

It's been a long time since I have felt poised, balanced, on solid footing with my present and future.

I just erased 50+ lines I wrote about work, the current vibe, and some random thoughts.  Probably shouldn't post anything...positive, negative, or neutral.  For the most part I like the pay, benefits, schedule and most of the people I work with.  Everything else feels...unstable and a bit unsure.

With Chuck's passing, only seeing my kids every 3-4 weeks, not really knocking big blocks off debt, and training for the Ironman...I feel like I'm somewhat reckless about where I want to be and staying focus on how to get there.  Like I need to grow up.

A while back I wrote down a few things that I really want...

1. A meaningful relationship with intimacy, honesty, humor & growth (even though it's #1, its not the most important)
2. A powerful bond of trust, friendship, and integrity with Castle & Roman
3. Be debt free with multiple streams of income
4. More consistency with habits, hobbies, activities, and service

I have Arizona Ironman in November, St. George North American Championship Ironman in May and Sharkfest in San Francisco in June...I should have most of that out of my system.  I really need to hunker down, save money, invest, pay off debt, etc....

Two ways...conservative...pay off debt as fast as I can.  Or the high-risk...save, invest, pay off debt & still have assets that are bringing in money?  I have about 10 months to figure it out. But in the meanwhile, do the minimum to pay off debt.

The more I think about things I realize how out of focus my life is.  I came to Wyoming to find stability and the only thing I really have is income...and I'm not managing it well.

I probably travel too much to Arizona.  I spend too much on concerts.  The costs of racing and the prep of it is unnecessary.  Visits to Utah end up being a few hundred dollars and then Amazon Prime...yea, need to curb it all.

Maybe in a year or two, when debt is paid off...I have a condo in Arizona & a car that I'm "Turo-ing" I can start to consider traveling, racing & concert hoping.

Wishing myself good luck/stubbornness 

another friend gone...

I don't know if loosing Shawn stopped me from making posts, but I just happened to open this up the day I found out another friend/co-worker took his own life.

Actually found out yesterday just before lunch and it took another hour or so for it to sink in.

I'm still confused and trying to decide if it's healthy for me to sort out my feels or just trying to ignore it entirely.  I believe it's a social norm to try to get answers hoping that getting to the bottom of it will somehow justify their actions.  By for the rest of the afternoon I saw how different people were reaction, how they were working through the loss, and trying to make sense of everything.

At the same time, I saw a friend post a story about Arizona providing more training to teachers and staff to assist with suicide prevention.  I started to make my reply, but eventually deleted it. But I'll post it here.  I don't think suicide prevention training at the school level will stop a slide once it starts in an area.  Teachers and staff already have so much on their plate, then add issues around their personal life...personally I get the feeling that most of us go through the day, week, month, etc and try to have the path of least resistance.  Of course, there are those few people that are dialed into other peoples issues.  I'm not one of them.

Anyway...I was pretty emotional the rest of the day.  Had to catch myself from breaking down.  Anytime someone asked if I was okay, or how I was dealing with things, I would find myself starting to loose my emotions.  Resurfaced old feeling and issues I still haven't address in myself.

I wanted to stay busy, but was cautioned by supervisors not to get into anything.  I guess they have found out that when someone has experienced grief they tend to make mistakes and forget what they are doing.  We were ordered to have a stand down the rest of the weekend.  Not to take on any extra work and just keep things status quo.

Afterwork, I just could not stop thinking about Chuck's family.  Specifically his high school aged daughter, Kim.  They were pretty close and shared lots of memories with eachother.  When either one of them post something on social media, about 1/2 the time it was about something they did together or for them.

I could not help by think about my relationship with Castle. It made it take much more heartbreaking.

There is so much more I want to 'dump' but the pearl I think I gained over the last 36 hours is that prevention has to start within your own heart with the help of those that are in the home.  Learning and exercising habits of communication, kindness, forgiveness, and life-planning.

It's impossible to know all  the thoughts of those that have gone down this path (not sure if they know all the reasons themselves) but when I have been down in the depth of depression the strongest emotion is not knowing if I can live with the current conditions.  I have my moments where I struggle to want to move on.  I'm thankful that I have always for a reason(s) to keep going.

Chuck, I will miss you and will find it hard to come to work knowing that you will never be there.  I'm confused for you, I'm heartbroken for your family and hope that I can serve them if they ever need my help.