Christmas a week away

I just spent a few minutes reading my last few posts.

AND, mauling over my emotions about fixing this iPad for Teag/Jesika. She didn’t want or need anything other than it fixed so leave it at that. It gives me the chance to help and serve anyone…especially during Christmas time.

I did not get the job at Exxon, but David did tell me I’m 6-7 people out of the current hiring group. Meaning, if they hire in the next 12 months, I could possibly get an offer…which I would take. Unless I get to interview and offered the coordinator position. It would be straight days, no weekends, and no physical labor.

I’m ahead of schedule to fix my financial issues and have a pretty good path for buying something in Kemmerer…it will be hard to find something that works…newer, garage, 3/2 mix. Right now, my options are wait for something or buy/build Jimmy’s land?

Also, this last week…I realized I love being out in public, talking to people, visiting with them…I find that my humor is more present, and I feel more like myself. Also, I need to work out…running is excellent…probably my preference but anytime of exercise is good.

I do like my job but get frustrated at other people’s lack of understanding…of how to make everything else run easier for everyone. I can’t control people’s actions, so the best thing is just appreciate that I do get it and doing what I can do to help them.

My Christmas plans have been foiled! I was going to leave on Wednesday for Tempe and drive back whenever…but my car has exhaust issue that will make it undrivable. There are emissions requirements and the more I drive it without addressing the issues, it will eventually limit my speed to 4 miles per hour. The part I need is literally unavailable. There are 4 dealerships in the country that have this part in stock, because of demand, they are not willing to part with it. It’s been over a week, so I’m limited to flying down Christmas eve and coming back 3 days later. I’ll be back down two week later, and we’ll finish our celebrating.

I’m lucky to be a dad to Castle and Roman

Rambling...on

I love being informed, but don't like the feeling my life is in peril from politics.

I love being active, but struggle with getting on a schedule with winter, shiftwork, and overtime.

I enjoy physical work, but would rather not have my work load hinge on other's efforts.

Having days off work is great, but I'm not good enough with money and I have hobbies that are expensive.

There is not great joy in my life...right now...than spending time with my kids, but need to take financial responsibility for my future.

My heart and soul want companionship more than anything, but my ground is not firm enough.

Alone...

I heard a phrase recently and I wanted to try to make sense of it. The context is really what makes it…real?

“You’re not alone, so don’t pretend that you are.”

It was used in step with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. When someone has a traumatic event, or possibly an addiction, habit, or event in their life where they feel like nobody else understands, they isolate themselves to cope. At least that’s my take on it and I’ve experienced it myself.

After Ricky died, when I found myself in the depths of my addiction, after my divorce, and after heavy heartbreak…I wanted to just hide, run away, be alone. The reality, I needed companionship, friendship, and interaction more than anything.

For me the best start is service…finding someone or something that help.

I read in social media sites all the time that there is power in loneliness and isolation…a way to reinvent yourself. That's when you find power, health, and growth in seclusion, there is sovereignty and control in your future.

Maybe there is truth to having a balance…knowing you don’t need others to be happy, but a greater happiness comes when shared with those you love and serve?

Purpose

I’ve always known there is an emptiness or void that occupies my mind, but I’m starting to understand it. To say that it’s a lack of purpose sounds extreme, but it’s having a daily agenda or monthly goal…and something to accomplish within the next year. For the past 3 months I’ve been obsessed in working overtime to pay off debts; putting off exercise, social interaction, traveling, and simple pleasures that I use to enjoy.

As a student there are layers of being in school; social interaction, classes, starting and testing out of a class…

As a husband it’s joining together to build and develop a life together. Tackling ‘Honey-dos” and planning for the days ahead.

As a father it’s getting them to school, making lunches, doing homework, playing games, doing adventures, taking them to practice, arranging play days, watching, and supporting them in their activities and commitments.

I look forward to having health distractions…dating, restoring Lucky, traveling, home-keeping, etc.  

But for right now, I have to stay focused and get rid of this financial anchor.

perspective

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I offered to work for a guy so he could spend time with his family, knowing I wasn't going to be with mine.  Mostly, I wanted to be occupied.

Something dawned on me with a weight that I hope has lasting effects.  Gratitude and offense/bitterness cannot occupy the same being.  Initially I was going to the same space, but that really isn't accurate.  There is a ruling factor in a person's personality...you are generally a person happy with what you have or you complain that someone else...does less, has more, yada, yada, yada...

I always thought I was a person who was more grateful, but I can see now I never have been.

As I look at my jobs, my circle of friends and family, arena of politics...my head usually states...what's wrong or unfair about what is on the side of the conversation rather than look at what I have.  

I'm pretty damn lucky!

I have parents that have always been able and willing.

I have siblings that are responsible, helpful, and contributors.

The friends I have in my circle are incredible in everyway.

I have a job that provides exceptional income, benefits and freedom.

I have physical health that gives me the freedom to be active as I want to be.

I have resources all around me that give me protection and mobility.

I have two kids that are free from real struggle, intelligent, and adjusted.

I have faith and knowledge that gives me direction and stability.

What I have focused on is not worth my time, energy, or mental health.  I want to purge them, but be aware of what my role is to affect them positively.

My work role, America's direction, relationship status, my social, career, and financial status.

Again, I'm lucky to have the life I do.

loyalty vs honesty

Something I haven’t been able to understand, became clearer to me this evening. It’s not going to be easier to process, but I hope it will help me navigate down the road.

Everyone values different things, possibly mine is loyalty. In my last relationship, loyalty was not equal on both sides of our feelings. Loyalty for me is a growing, organic thing. For her, it wasn’t. Not to say that she doesn’t value it, but that we value it differently. In the same breath; honesty, humor, and directness was probably at the top of her list...and I struggle with the execution of those things. Not that I don’t value them, but labor with fear and disappointment to be better.

With this new revelation, I will not live-in fear, but be true…honest…direct…and laugh about my mistakes…all while being loyal.

focus and direction

I’ve been thinking…

Not sure what actions need to be taken, at least for right now, to point me in the right direction of my ultimate goal(s).

My faith wants me to pursuit the highest level of the celestial kingdom…and that will always be…there?

There is the pursuit of hope and faith and the pursuit of something immediate and quantifiable. The means is to have both…I can still focus on a meaningful relationship, stabile relationships with my family, and promise of a realistic retirement. I want to chase adventure, life, humor, and legacy.

I love the lessoned learned, “emotions give us information.” In an attempt to limit emotion and instill a process and activities…I need to funnel my focus to get the quickest results possible. I know that I’m doing better, but I can do more.

1. Pay off debt ASAP

a. No unreasonable travel – no Arizona, no Utah, no Idaho

b. No unreasonable spending – no maverik, no movies, etc.

c. On days off, find ways to make money

i. Sell cello & bike

ii. Sell headboards, pallet signs, etc

2. Read 30 minutes a day; preferably scriptures with other books from time to time

3. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week

4. Make visits to people once a week – church, community, friends, etc

5. Make church meetings whenever possible

6. Be tidy & clean

Once there is zero debt…$1500/mo towards savings/house fund. Within, 2-3 years purchase a house in Arizona.

What I have to offer and where I am doesn’t lead to a happy hunting ground of finding that meaningful relationship. I can’t invest in hope…if I chase the “hope” it will take time, resources, and emotional capital. If it happens…it happens.