I'm just going to start typing and see where it goes.
I feel stuck and most of me feels like it shouldn't be. I feel like I should be grateful for all that I have, the direction my life is going, the people that are involved in my life....yada, yada, yada. There is a another part of my soul that needs to grieve.
On Dec 14th last year (2023) Mom called me to tell me that we lost dad. I remember talking to him just the week before. He sounded upbeat, happy to be away from Kemmerer, enjoying the weather of Wyoming, and reconnecting with the Southern Utah family. I remember I just wanted to talked to someone and have them help me get through the moment...talking to me, hold me, laugh with me, complain with me...looking back I don't think there was anyone that I really wanted to share my initial shock with.
Its been 4 months and I know I'm still not through the emotions of the lost of Pops. Knowing I cant share any more of my joys with him. When I have a good moment, or an exciting experience...
Of course, I can share with Mom, Whitey, Lyznee or another silbing...I could even share things with Chad or another friend, but the missing my dad is going to be hard. I never liked sharing bad experience with him, knowing he didn't have the ability to work through that, but it was something I needed...to share some of my greatest moments with him. There was always something that was deeper joy to share with him. I'm going to miss that.
I wish I would have talked to him more about my fear of sharing my fears with him.
A month later a friend told me she would like to set up with an old co-worker. A week later I was going on my first hike with Amy Judd.
Apparently, we had matched twice on mutual, but I didn't pursue it. I remember matching with her once, and it was a compatibility question. It seems like our lifestyles just didn't match up. She seemed like she was natural in her lifestyle...organic food, nature loving? Even though I thought of myself as healthy, I still enjoyed soda, sugar, sports...nothing that would prevent friends from existing, but what I believed was foundational to a relationship...well, it was a stretch and I didn't put any effort towards it.
I can't remember details about that first, or second hike that I went on with Amy, but I do remember a few core elements that I found attractive. First, the desire to connect...there was no doubt she lived a healthy lifestyle, she was physically gifted...pretty, her physical presence...specifically she gave a hug was personal and giving. I didn't know how old she was but was ? impressed ? attracted...that she took care of herself...what she was could not be done by eating well, but having habits that helped her to look incredible. She was naturally beautiful...different from what I had traditionally looking at.
I had usually gone after girls that have straight hair, clean skin, simple style but elegant...Amy is modest, simple, natural...hair is wild and free, look is naturally exotic, but beautifully natural. It's different, and I'm loving different. I don't ever what to make this a quantitative point, because Amy is absolutely gorgeous, but her attractiveness is not important and it's going an element that she is enough...she's different in what I've gone after, but breath-taking in a totally different way.
Is what I am locked into is her presence. Her style of communication makes me want to communicate, open up and be honest with her. I do sense judgement from time to time, but for the most part I trust she wants to understand me so she can find her way into my life...I don't believe she has had to change anything about the person she is, but she is adjusting her own tolerances and preferences to fit into my own??? I've definitely changes in the few months we have spent with each other, but it a way that moves me into the person that I have put off or suppressed.
We haven't fought, but we have misunderstood each other and assumed the worse. Right now, we are deeply in love, but have let our insecurities surface from time to time. My insecurities right now, she has had so many experiences and adventures, that I hope that there is something specially and unique that she will only have with me. So jealousy. That I'm going to break her heart...either by not being patient with myself or giving up on taking the easy path...that my garbage is too much for her.
There's been a few times where I've needed her to fight for me...fight for us...and she doesn't know how to??? It does help to know that I don't question her love for me, but that doesn't mean we stop or stop doing things to connect. She has put me on a path to heal, and rewire my past. Talking to Wayne, be honest with my past, be honest...my needs.
She asked me a sincere question this weekend, and I feel compelled to be honest with myself. There is nothing about her that I don't love, and I don't see being a part of the future that I want. Are things perfect, no... There are elements to my past, far past and recent past that I wish could be erased. Are there elements of her past and how she lets her present be affected by her past. I don't know what it is about her look, something I've never been drawn to before, but I can't keep my eyes off of her. She is mysterious, sexy, unique, wild, natural, feminine, exotic, and completely imperfectly beautiful. I see something new every time I look at her or I rediscover something I was drawn to before. But really, it's her kindness, her character, ability to forgive, her soul be filled with a light that make me see her spirit attached to her body...I'm drawn to her in a strong way.
Last week Troy took his own life.
Last week was just a whirl wind, between going into shock and trying to process my current grief I'm still a bit lost where I want to be, where I should be, and doing what is right be remain healthy. Honestly, it's a bit conflicting right now.
Troy and I stopped having a close relationship years ago. He's still my brother and we started to get closer, especially when Pops passing...my feelings are torn, I'm feeling selfish about it.
Troy was diagnosed with Trigeminal neuralgia, it's extremely painful and so rare that it really isn't treatable right now. Troy took it into his own hands, not to talk to anyone about it. I have justified his actions while ignoring his selfish act. I have choose to ignore sorrow and grief and try to be grateful for all the other things in my life; my kids, my new path, Amy, home ownership, conquering my bad habits, a good job, fun hobbies, etc.
